Afraid of Living

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I am not afraid to die –
but I am not yet
unafraid of living.

I’m not sure I have ever written truer words than the 3-line poem above. This little gem came to me while taking a bath last night, so I repeated it to myself like a mantra until I got out of the tub and could write it down.

It is true that I am not afraid of death. I am a bit afraid of the actual feeling of dying, mostly because of the instinctual anxiety I fear it would bring. However, I am not afraid of being dead. In fact, I rather look forward to it. If there is something after death, it will be awesome to explore and find out what else is out there. If there is nothing after death, it will just be like the times I have passed out or been put out for surgery…simply a loss of consciousness which often sounds like a relief in itself. No more worrying. No more pain. No more anxiety or depression.

However, living is scary. Knowing I may have years and years of dealing with anxiety and depression ahead of me. Knowing that I will likely suffer from chronic pain and chronic illness until I die. Knowing that my degenerative conditions will likely worsen with time. Fearing that my husband may get sick or die and I will be alone. Fearing financial ruin. Fearing homelessness. Fearing potentially abusive situations. Fearing the entire planet going to shit (a justifiable fear from my point of view). Fearing that I may end up committing suicide if life becomes unbearable (not the ending I would desire for my life).

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March 2019 SHTF Survival Subscription Box

Admission: I’m one of those crazy folks that likes to prep for the apocalypse lol. Whether it be an economic collapse, climate change fallout, war, grid breakdown, or natural disaster, I want to be prepared, so I decided to try a new subscription box called SHTF Survival. This was my first box from them. Almost $60 worth of stuff for $20, so not bad:

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Included in this month’s box:
First Aid Emergency Tourniquet – $9.99 (retail)
USMC Pocket Knife – $19.99
12 in 1 Octopus Keychain – $6.99
7 in 1 Whistle Compass – $6.99
Bug Out Solar Lighter – $4.99
Gun Sock – $9.99

I must admit I was hoping more for stuff like survival food, but some of this stuff was neat. The pocket knife is really good quality. The tourniquet could certainly come in handy in an emergency, as could the solar lighter, the whistle/compass/thermometer combo, and the octopus keychain which can do everything from opening a bottle to working as a screwdriver of many sizes and types and even adjust bicycle spokes (even though I don’t have a bicycle lol).

I think sometimes that being chronically ill makes me feel even more vulnerable were there a catastrophe of any kind, so trying to be prepared for worst case scenarios can make me feel a wee bit better. Honestly, I don’t know how to hunt or do much of anything outdoorsy even if I were healthy enough to do it, but luckily my husband does have those skills 🙂

Dental Cleaning from Hell

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That headline isn’t exaggerating. I had a horrible dental cleaning experience yesterday. Now to be fair, my teeth are extremely sensitive, just like everything else on my body (thanks autism), so cleanings are never fun for me anyhow. There are always at least a few painful nerves hit during the process.

However, yesterday the lady who regularly cleans my teeth was on maternity leave so I had a new lady who was incredibly slow, annoying, and seemed to manage to hit about every nerve on every tooth, at least on the front ones. I can’t recall the number of times I flinched from the pain. At least a couple times I teared up. I was starting to wish I was having a filling instead, because at least then I would be numbed up some.

I feel bad calling the lady annoying, but to be frankly honest, she was. She was one of those people who just talks and talks and talks, which drives me crazy. It was especially hard not to be annoyed when I was already having a bad experience. A few minutes into the cleaning I was tempted to get up and say “I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this today”, and reschedule for when my normal person gets back. I managed to tough it out though. Glad it is over and my regular cleaner should be back before my next cleaning!

3 New Elfchen Poems – Rock On, Ephemeral, Projection

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Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment and haven’t been feeling too good anyhow, so thought I would post tonight. Here are a few more elfchen poems for your reading pleasure (with a few slight poetry form rule breaks lol):

1.
Woosh!
Down the
electric slide feet
first and head banging.
Rock on!

2.
Captivating,
moonlight glinting
off a rocky
ocean shoreline, lonesome
yet ephemeral

3.
Projection
please stop
blaming others for
your own bad ideas –
evolve

CFS/ME Flare Up and Park Outing

It’s been a rough week physically. I had a CFS/ME flare-up, which feels a lot like mono if you’ve ever had that, or the worse flu you can imagine. During these flare-ups, I run a fever, my body aches horribly, I feel too exhausted to move, too exhausted to breathe, and if I sit up or stand up long, I feel faint. Trying to do the simplest tasks is overwhelming and can make me feel like passing out, even just putting up my dishes or trying to take care of my personal hygiene.

Yesterday I was finally feeling well enough to get out and since the weather was warm, my husband and I went for a picnic at a local park. We got subs and then after eating, walked the short distance to the lake edge. As you can see, it was pretty darn muddy:

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I’m glad we went, because I needed the mental distraction, but now I am really sore and exhausted from even that short bit of activity. Trudging through the mud really wore me out because the mud sticking to my shoes made my feet feel like they gained 10 pounds, and I almost slipped and fell a couple times. It probably wasn’t the brightest idea to go, but mentally I needed to feel alive again, even if just for a little while.

Twittering Tales #127 – Dark Train

Here is my tweet-sized entry for this week’s photo prompt Twittering Tales challenge:

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The train draws near in a cloud of fog – the headlight shining through the mist just enough to illuminate the faces of those waiting to board.

I tip my hat downwards to hide my own expression. I do not want to see. I do not want to be seen. Human attachments will hinder my plans.

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