When you feel nothing
why does it always end up
$41 for the medicine of death
$90 to turn you to ash
cancer is no
what would you say
if you knew
what was coming?
The question haunts me
and you aren’t even
(If you like my art, check out my art for sale on Ebay!)
I’ve been having suicidal thoughts the past couple days. I’ve been horribly depressed, feeling alienated and isolated, and wondering what in the hell I’m doing with my life. So pretty much, same old, same old – at least for a deeply depressed state.
Although I often have suicidal thoughts in this state, they are not accompanied with an actual plan and the will to act on them – at least not yet. I think my life would have to be in full free-fall for me to actually consider acting on these feelings. To this day, although I have fantasized and thought about my own death many, many times, I have never actually attempted suicide.
One doctor said these were passive suicidal thoughts, and I agree. In this mood, I think of all kinds of ways I could die – both accidental and otherwise, but I don’t take it further.
So now that I’ve explained where I’m at…the question. Should suicidal thoughts of this nature be shared? I do share them with my therapist, at least if I remember to at the next session, but I struggle with rather to share them with my husband for instance.
He knows I’m depressed. He knows I have struggled off and on with suicidal thoughts, but should I make him aware of when I’m actually having them or would that just needlessly worry and stress him out since I don’t intend to act on them?
I normally don’t hide much of anything I’m feeling emotionally from my husband (he can usually tell anyway), but is it better to not give specific details sometimes? Is the relief I might get from talking about them worth the concern it would cause him? What do you think?
I like many things
better than money –
and resilient wings,
fiddles that set
minds that are open
and yet, not empty,
with old books,
and warm, cozy homes
littered with cats.
I’ve never really been one to do the whole planner thing, but I see how much fun others seem to be having doing it on Instagram and their blogs, so I decided to give it a try. Yesterday I bought a simple but cute planner and a planner sticker kit, because I figured the cute stickers would make me more likely to “stick to it” – pun intended.
I have already set up the Jan-March months and am going to keep track of my goals I set for my art, writing, and blog this year. Here are the goals I set:
- Create at least 2 artworks larger than ACEO cards each month (I love doing ACEO art, but want to do larger artworks as well)
- Submit poetry to a contest or publication at least once a month (to help with this I ordered the 2020 Poet’s Market guide)
- Promote at least 2 Instagram posts a week
- Post on my blog every other day (pretty much keeping my current schedule)
- Make $1,000+ selling art in 2020 (this was my goal last year too and I think I may have met it or come close, but I didn’t keep track of it well)
I like being able to set goals I can actually control like most of the ones above, rather than abstract numbers of followers/subscribers that I have no control over, although I do set a new goal for Instagram and blog followers each year just for fun.
For 2020, I am aiming for 2,000 followers on my blog and 5,000 followers on IG. Of course, I would LOVE to sail past both of those goals!!!
Drummers Drummers of War
Phil Collins diminuendo Barack Obama
Ringo Starr Donald Trump
Lars Ulrich The Clintons
Dave Grohl The Bush’s
Chad Smith John Bolton
Keith Moon Mike Pompeo
John Bonham Netanyahu
Neil Peart crescendo DICK Cheney
And the beat goes on…
(This is a bit of an experimental poetry piece. I had the idea for it and decided to just go with it. I hope others get the concept. I had a hard time choosing who to put on the right lol. Others that came close to making the cut were Rumsfeld and Condoleeza Rice, but I decided to go with Pompeo and Bolton as they are a bit more relevant currently. I knew I had to have Cheney on there though!)