Bad Night

Tonight was a bad night. The pain, isolation, and despair came crashing down so hard and fast that I crawled off the couch and collapsed onto the carpet, on my side, in a loose fetal position and just wept. I gripped the beige carpet fibers in my fingers and pulled as the tears pooled below my cheek. I pinched myself. I aimlessly pummeled the floor. The anger exploded in that way it always does, boomeranging right back into myself. I considered my options. All the ways it could end. The option of reaching out for help. The feeling that grasping for that help would only inconvenience others. After all, my husband has to work tomorrow, he needs his sleep. I can’t take the car, who would bring it back to him?

Eventually, I made my way outside. Hoping the cold would numb it all. I walked on the icy, wet grass and then took a seat on the deck stairs. Soon my feet were frozen numb, and my body curled inward, instinctively seeking to conserve its heat, even as I wished that I could bear it long enough to freeze. Dark thoughts of black toes breaking off soon made hypothermia a less attractive ending. If only it were like a Jack London novel, a slow nodding off into warm, cozy whiteness.

Eventually, I found myself back where I started, on the couch, hoping to find comfort on electronic waves, here in the place where lost things seem to gather in today’s society. I soon stumbled across someone else crying and hugging a giant stuffed giraffe and it soothed the edges just a little. Now, I can only hope tomorrow is brighter.

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2 thoughts on “Bad Night

  1. Maranda, it breaks my heart to know you’re in such pain and sadness. The main thing I’ll say is please, don’t ever worry about “inconveniencing others” when you need help. You are 100% worth it — well, everyone is, but you’re the kind of loving, sensitive, amazing person who helps convince so many others, just by being who you are, that life is worth living. I’m going to be praying hard that you recognize this about yourself. Please keep being the light that you are. Heal others, and let them heal you too. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much for your kindness and compassion Landon. Last night was indeed a bad night, and while I did employ some poetic device to try to describe what I was feeling and going through, the writing is very much true to what I was feeling. Today has still been a rather depressing day, but I am hanging in there. Depression is a beast that haunts its victims relentlessly and while I do not think I’m weak for dealing with it, I do wish somehow I was strong enough to banish it once and for all. Maybe some day.

      Liked by 1 person

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