Reasons Why I Would Commit Suicide



Kind of a downer subject today, but it is something I feel like I need to say. Please note I am not in any immediate danger, nor am I planning to hurt myself in any way. This is simply a post about WHY I would likely commit suicide if I ever did. I am sharing this in the hope that others will come to care about these issues and learn to empathize with people like me.

If I were to ever commit suicide, there are two likely scenarios why, and both have a lot to do with our often selfish American culture/government and the view that many people have that everyone should just “fend for themselves”, regardless of their actual ability to do so. I honestly cannot see myself committing suicide simply because of depression, loneliness, bipolar, Asperger’s, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, or any of the myriad other struggles I face on a daily basis. I have survived those things for years and will likely continue to do so. However, if I did ever kill myself, here are the two likely culprits:

  • Lack of medical care. This is a real possibility. In our country, basic healthcare is not guaranteed to everyone like it is in most of the developed world. Were I unable to afford treatment for my conditions (especially the depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, and other chronic pain/illness conditions I have) I can see myself being simply unable to bear the pain for extended periods of time with no relief in sight. If you have never had a pain condition that unbearable you are extremely lucky, if you have had conditions like that, you likely understand how lack of treatment, and especially adequate pain relief, could drive you over the edge.
  • An inability to provide for myself or take care of myself without any help. Due to the many conditions mentioned above (and the associated conditions I didn’t mention), it would be extremely hard for me to provide entirely for myself. If my husband were to die and I was unable to get help for basic survival, my greatest fear of becoming homeless and penniless might indeed come true. There is a great lack of resources for many of the conditions I have, especially for Asperger’s. High-functioning is a title I semi hate because it gives people the illusion we don’t really struggle as much as lower functioning autistics or that we should be able to “fit in” with the “real world” and be entirely self-sufficient. Many of us simply can’t. We try. We fail. We fail again. And again and again… We panic. We often have ptsd and enormous amounts of social anxiety. We feel like little kids trying to “play” at being an adult. We struggle with selective mutism. We have meltdowns. We are intellectually intelligent, but often severely lacking in common sense and street smarts. We suffer sensory issues that neurotypicals can’t even imagine dealing with. Combine all that with the bipolar, and is it any wonder that half the time I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing in this world?

*Art by Maranda Russell

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Hi! I am an artist, author, and blogger who also happens to have Asperger’s Syndrome. I have won several awards and honors for my writings and artwork. I suffer from a few severe mental illness and chronic pain conditions (Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, Ehlers Danlos, Degenerative Disc Disease, etc.), which greatly affects my life and makes me want to advocate for others going through similar things. Other interests of mine include reading, writing, drawing, watching cartoons and movies, collecting toys, hanging out with my family, and annoying my 3 cats.

28 thoughts on “Reasons Why I Would Commit Suicide”

    1. Aw, thanks Walt. I could always use a good hug 🙂 I am glad your son has been successful in battling his own demons. I feel I have been successful so far, but I do fear for the future sometimes. Especially the way the country seems to be going.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Sorry you’re feeling this way. I can relate to pretty much everything you’ve posted here. I’ve had exactly these kinds of thoughts and I agree with you about the world we currently live in–America really has fostered a culture of cruel indifference. Btw–on a somewhat cheerier note, I like your painting–looks like a boar with a brooding eye. Nice layering of color and very expressive of the mood you describe. Anyway, take care.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Sofania! The American attitude towards those who are disabled or disadvantaged in some way truly does bother me. There is such a lack of compassion it seems. I like this painting too! I thought it kind of captured the feelings I am discussing well.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I worry about the two things you mentioned, too. I have no kids, my husband is almost 13 years older than me, and I’m the youngest in my immediate family (and no one else beyond that would really care enough to help me). Actually, it’s to a point where my husband and I are thinking about moving to Europe because money issues and your #1. Also, I’ve talked to my husband about asking HIS nephews to take care of me (or him) if left alone in this world. They are good guys, and of course there would be some kind of financial incentive for them. I know in Europe things would be easier than in the U.S., unless some drastic changes happen, which I doubt will be in the next 10 years.

    I have a nephew. I had two nephews (my younger one committed suicide in June). Neither were people I would feel could help me, even for a financial incentives of any sorts. Actually, I really hope something good happens to my remaining nephew. I hope he can find a way of taking care of himself, and MAYBE finding a woman to love him. It’s hard, though. He has Asperger’s Syndrome and is a hoarder, like his father. My late nephew also had Asperger’s Syndrome (even a bit more severe than my living nephew) and a really horrible case of early-onset bipolar disorder.

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    1. We have a lot in common. My husband is 14 years older than me, so I worry a lot about being left behind if he were to pass away. The only living immediate relative I have left is my Mom, who is obviously much older than me. There is no one I could really rely on to take care of me either. I do have one nephew (from my older sister who committed suicide a few years ago from really bad bipolar), but he also has Asperger’s and a mood disorder and I don’t know if he will ever even be able to live on his own, since his Asperger’s deficits are even worse than mine.

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      1. That is a lot in common! I’m so sorry about your sister!

        If I end up staying in the US for some reason, I really will need to look into options for care assistance. Even if I end up not needing it long-term, I worry so much about how I will do if my husband passes before me. He is my rock, and honestly, unlike many others, I don’t think I will manage that well alone.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Do you get disability? I am looking into getting it now but have to wait for a hearing. I pray I get it, that would alleviate some of the fear. At least then I would have something to rely on. I understand considering leaving the country, I have considered the same thing. I’m not sure how I would adjust though.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Hi maranda. Yes, I’ve had SSDI for a while. I wish you luck with your hearing. My husband and I would surely have lost our house without it.

        Moving abroad will be a major stressor. My psychiatrist and therapist tell me not to do it, but they won’t exactly be supporting my husband’s and my retirement in the future. My husband has dual citizenship in the US and an EU country, but actually wants to move to a different EU country than he’s from. There are still benefits in this case, but then both of us would have to learn or improve new language skills and adjust to a new culture.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t live life just exsist…one son who dont give a shit to self absorbed…I am wirhout friends…stuck with toxic family and no friends…divorced…I go through the motions to please other people.
    Fighting this 30 yesrs so exchausted…My religion and belief in my Lord keeps me here..I been living in hell on earth..suicide is ultimate sin in my belief..dont want to leave this hell and end up in another I just wait for my time…when my Lord has his plan and ill leave by his hand… I love a pathetic life no joy…no laughter and see no light at the end of the tunnel..And always alone..Merry Christmas.. To all…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your comment really made me sad. I am sorry that your life has come to this. I used to be religious and so feared hell, but I don’t really believe in that stuff anymore. Eternal torture for a brief lifetime of error seems like a huge travesty of justice and if there is a God, you would hope they would be truly just.


  4. Dear Maranda, Christmas is a tough time for many people. What ever is going on in their lives is brought into sharper focus by the unrelenting ideal ideal family Christmases we see in adverts and on TV. Disabled people have a very tough time in most countries (although I suspect Scandinavian countries are more enlightened than most). Saying how you feel is actually really good for you even if people around you are uncomfortable with what they hear. So good for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hey Miranda – l can relate to what you write very well. I have suffered at the hands of fate, like you also have. But that post you read of mine, was initially drafted when l was very low this year in Spring to Summer. I think if l was to take my life and whilst l am in no immediate danger of performing that – it would be as the result of a couple of things – 1] I don’t like the way of our world and could see me being in a better place out of it and 2] I don’t get lonely, but l do know alone and there is chasm of difference between the two, but if l found myself alone – is life really worth sticking around? I am in a sound relationship, like many we have had our ups and downs, but if l was in my 70’s and alone, with no dog, no loved one and by my 70’s there is a goodly chance l would have no family left alive. I offer no one any guarantee of my life nor will to live, it is my choice, my personal choice if l ever chose to end it. But if l was in pain with no help around and unable to care for myself, l would not hesitate at the taking of my life and as such release the burden of my life into the system.

    Good post, well written.

    Keep safe.

    Liked by 2 people

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