The Need to Protect Abusers

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Unfortunately, I’ve faced a great deal of abuse in my somewhat short lifespan. Physical abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, and emotional abuse. Most of this abuse happened when I was growing up and happened at the hands of people I should have been able to trust and look to for protection.

There is a part of me that desperately wants to be open about all the things that happened and purge my heart and soul of them publicly. I want to speak the truth out loud and shed light on things that have always lived alone in the darkest part of my psyche. However, I find myself so scared to share the truth and feeling immense guilt at the thought of outing those who were responsible. I feel protective towards my abusers because I still love them through it all and feel guilty at the thought of tarnishing their reputations, both the living and the dead.

Why, oh why do I still feel such loyalty and duty to those who hurt me the most deeply and betrayed me the most selfishly and cruelly? Why am I swamped in guilt for just wanting to be open and honest about my own experiences? Why must this battle between my need for expression and my sense of loyalty tear me apart? How do I ever find healing?

* Art by Maranda Russell

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20 thoughts on “The Need to Protect Abusers

  1. My abuser felt like a father to me when my parents were divorcing at the same time as it was happening and my real dad was emotionally unavailable. Really he was a 50 year old man feeding me alcohol and drugs calling himself my sugar daddy. Ugh.

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  2. How do you find healing. That is the eternal question, isn’t it? I’m sorry. Maybe it would be helpful for you to really tell all so to speak. I started from the beginning with my blog and it’s really helped me put things in perspective.

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      1. Have you thought about changing names and identifying details? You could start a blog under a different name. Change some simple details – east coast to west coast, Minnesota to Michigan – stuff that doesn’t matter but makes it less identifiable? You’d be amazed how people can read right through something and not know it’s about them.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. My blog is exactly that. My name is a nom de plum. It is my healing processes. I had to take down my other blog as I separated from my mother. It was about protecting me and my kids from narcissists. Its a different type of abuse. But I don’t want the stress of an altercation with family. I just want somewhere to process and write. And it isn’t just about the abuse. It’s really about recovering after the aftermath. It’s life! Raw and unfiltered. Without fear of someone figuring out who I am.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. I wish so many people weren’t so familiar. While it isn’t new to me. And I am too familiar, the name, and identifying it is new to me. And bit baffles me how pervasive NPD is. And now that I recognize it, I realize just how prevalent it is. I see the tendencies in several areas of myself growing up with a NPD mother, and so again I go internal for change. I refuse to sit by and not heal and pass these monsters on to my girls!

        I just wish so many people didn’t know narc abuse. It saddens me!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Yes, narc abuse has really become a mainstream thing lately. The biggest red flag to me was the scapegoat/golden child scenario. That was crystal clear in my family growing up. Even though I was the golden child, I had to see the abuse of the scapegoat and knew if I dared step out of line I would get the same. It is no way to live.

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      5. I was the scapegoat, my brother the golden child. Yet he saw it 6 years before me. He has been so gracious to me as I work through me healing, even though I was a flying monkey. In trying not to pick sides, I became her flying monkey.

        I’m much wiser as we leave my husband’s family. His mother is a much worse narc.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. My sister saw the truth way before I did. I didn’t see it entirely clearly until after my sister’s suicide unfortunately, then a bunch of repressed stuff came to the surface.

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      7. My dad committed suicide 17 years ago. My brother and I 100% believe that my mom drove him to it. It’s a really sad thing to say, and I wish I wasn’t able to say it. For the past 5 years I just thought she was mentally ill, it wasn’t until this past year that I understood what narcissism was. It’s actually the hardest year I’ve grieved for my father. It made me realize everything that he endured with my mom. My dad wasn’t perfect and he had a lot of issues, but we knew exactly who he was. My mom on the other hand was an apparition of her own deception. And I didn’t really understand it until this year

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry youve been so hurt. I applaud your naming and voicing your struggle to tell your truth versus the desire to protect. Its a powerful conflict and difficult to carry within your body.
    I wonder if part of why you feel protective is because in the absence of power to protect yourself, protecting your abusers helped you feel like you had some power and control.
    Ive found this to be the case. Hope it’s helpful.
    Take good care. I hope youll keep writing about it here.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I’m sorry you had to go through so much abuse. I agree with the lady who said maybe you could write about it but anonymously or maybe you could just write about it, save it, and let it settle. Sometimes just getting it out is enough. I had stacks of horrific divorce paperwork that I needed to let go of. I tied it up like logs, got some sage, put the paperwork in a fire pit and burnt it while burning the sage. Basically I made peace with it, made peace with myself, forgave myself and let go of the negativity. It really was cleansing. Wishing you nothing but peacefulness in whichever way you choose to heal your heart.🌸

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Unfortunately abusers make us believe its our fault and speaking out is a kind of sin. And I am sure you also know about trauma bonding. As children we believe we are the source of what happens to us which makes it harder to speak about it. Then often we are not believed or our experience is doubted or gaslighted. I hope you find the courage to speak here as its a very open platform and will help you a lot. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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