All Over the Place

| marandarussell

DSC08317

Lately I’ve been all over the place emotionally. I’ve especially been struggling with feelings of rage (I even stabbed an inflatable black cat to death), panic, and dread. Often I find myself laying in bed and these feelings come over me, settling like a heavy blanket around me, so that I feel like I can’t move or fight it off. During these times I truly believe that if it were possible to die from such misery, I would have been dead a hundred times over.

These storms of emotion definitely seem to be worse at night, when I try to go to bed, but even during the day I feel the remnants of these episodes wrap around me like tentacles. I’m honestly not sure what is causing it. Is it the PTSD? The bipolar? Autistic meltdowns? Is it a combination of my mental and physical conditions just wearing me down to an extent I can’t handle? Or am I just slowly slipping further into insanity?

* Art by Maranda Russell

19 thoughts on “All Over the Place”

  2. I think you should not ask your readers for a diagnosis. Not should you try and diagnose yourself. You know that I think the world of you, but your posts lately are getting darker and darker. They seem like a cry for help and I really think you need to get to your therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist/doctor or emergency room ASAP! You even have become violent. Just my humble and worthless opinion.

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    1. Nothing in this post was a question about diagnosis. Everything mentioned in this post (ptsd, bipolar, aspergers) I have been officially diagnosed with, I just have trouble sometimes figuring what is triggering what. I have not been violent towards any living creature, just took my anger out on inanimate objects I own. As for doctors, I feel like I see more doctors than anything else in my life. Sometimes that depresses me in itself. I feel like I exist only to be sick and see doctors or be a guinea pig for various treatments and medications.

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  4. I love the art photo, gives me a feeling i can’t really describe but a good one. I too struggle with night time being the worst, the onset typically happens here and builds. The days i usually feel better but sometimes like you said ill just get dragged back to that same place, even just in my lunch break sitting in my car. I really enjoy your writing!

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  5. It sounds manic my brother has Bi polar and nights where the worst , maybe if your on medication you need to have it checked so you can settle at night . Please tell your doctors how your feeling lately , I know it must feel like hell but there is help just have to find the right help. Hugs to you.

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    1. Thanks so much, it doesn’t really feel like hypomania because I still feel depressed more than anything else, but it could be mixed episodes I suppose or something like that. I definitely plan to address it all with my psychiatrist at my next appointment and maybe get some med changes or something done.

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  6. Daer Miranda, you are not slipping into insanity. Unexpressed feelings can cause great distress esp those suffering from PTSD. Have you come across EMDR therapy? I found it very helpful with the treatment of my PTSD.

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      1. Do look it up – its very effective. I can also recommend an excellent book on EMDR “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van der Kolk – an excellent book on PTSD and it includes a chapter on EDMR.

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