All Over the Place

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Lately I’ve been all over the place emotionally. I’ve especially been struggling with feelings of rage (I even stabbed an inflatable black cat to death), panic, and dread. Often I find myself laying in bed and these feelings come over me, settling like a heavy blanket around me, so that I feel like I can’t move or fight it off. During these times I truly believe that if it were possible to die from such misery, I would have been dead a hundred times over.

These storms of emotion definitely seem to be worse at night, when I try to go to bed, but even during the day I feel the remnants of these episodes wrap around me like tentacles. I’m honestly not sure what is causing it. Is it the PTSD? The bipolar? Autistic meltdowns? Is it a combination of my mental and physical conditions just wearing me down to an extent I can’t handle? Or am I just slowly slipping further into insanity?

* Art by Maranda Russell

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19 thoughts on “All Over the Place

  1. I think you should not ask your readers for a diagnosis. Not should you try and diagnose yourself. You know that I think the world of you, but your posts lately are getting darker and darker. They seem like a cry for help and I really think you need to get to your therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist/doctor or emergency room ASAP! You even have become violent. Just my humble and worthless opinion.

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    1. Nothing in this post was a question about diagnosis. Everything mentioned in this post (ptsd, bipolar, aspergers) I have been officially diagnosed with, I just have trouble sometimes figuring what is triggering what. I have not been violent towards any living creature, just took my anger out on inanimate objects I own. As for doctors, I feel like I see more doctors than anything else in my life. Sometimes that depresses me in itself. I feel like I exist only to be sick and see doctors or be a guinea pig for various treatments and medications.

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  2. I love the art photo, gives me a feeling i can’t really describe but a good one. I too struggle with night time being the worst, the onset typically happens here and builds. The days i usually feel better but sometimes like you said ill just get dragged back to that same place, even just in my lunch break sitting in my car. I really enjoy your writing!

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  3. It sounds manic my brother has Bi polar and nights where the worst , maybe if your on medication you need to have it checked so you can settle at night . Please tell your doctors how your feeling lately , I know it must feel like hell but there is help just have to find the right help. Hugs to you.

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    1. Thanks so much, it doesn’t really feel like hypomania because I still feel depressed more than anything else, but it could be mixed episodes I suppose or something like that. I definitely plan to address it all with my psychiatrist at my next appointment and maybe get some med changes or something done.

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  4. Daer Miranda, you are not slipping into insanity. Unexpressed feelings can cause great distress esp those suffering from PTSD. Have you come across EMDR therapy? I found it very helpful with the treatment of my PTSD.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Do look it up – its very effective. I can also recommend an excellent book on EMDR “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van der Kolk – an excellent book on PTSD and it includes a chapter on EDMR.

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