If I had to choose a song to represent how I honestly feel about myself and my life most of the time these days, this song would definitely be near the top. It isn’t actually even my favorite Matchbox 20 song (which would be hard to narrow down anyhow, but would likely be something off their first or second album), but the lyrics hit home in a way that not a lot of songs do. I don’t hear voices (other than my own endlessly chattering inner monologues), but at this point, I wouldn’t be all that surprised if someday I started lol.
I think the saddest line in this entire song is “But soon enough, you’re gonna think of me and how I used to be…”, which also happens to be the line that hits home for me the hardest. A few years ago, this wasn’t me. Back then I had repressed so much that I was able to function at least, but when my sister committed suicide, it was like the floodgates opened and all the repressed memories came flooding in at the same time that all of my carefully crafted defenses came crashing down. My mental and physical health took a nosedive and has been sinking further and floundering since. Sometimes I’m almost angry at my sister for killing herself and thereby forcing me to face what I had always ran away from or purposefully pushed aside.
Maranda Russell 
Death of a loved one can be a trigger. When my son was diagnosed with clinical depression, his doctor/psychiatrist/psychologist said it was triggered by my mother’s death. He and my mom were very close during his first 20 years.
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Yeah, it definitely was a trigger for me. I know deep down that it may be healthy in the long run that I am no longer repressing these things and am trying to address them, but I still miss the old me that didn’t feel this way all the time.
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I’d like to Nominate you for the Liebster Award. https://girlptsddepression777.wordpress.com
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Aw, thanks! I’ll have to check it out 🙂
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I can’t imagine losing your sister to such a thing. I’m so sorry to hear this. I can never comprehend how deep or real these feelings must be. Thank you for sharing your the things you go through. I believe that is a very courageous thing you do and a strength. It inspires many to know the world isn’t perfect and we’re all imperfect and all a little broken inside. Bless you so much and thank you. Hugs!
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Thanks so much for reading and commenting! It means a lot to me to know that people read my stuff and care ❤
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