Suicide Isn’t My Biggest Fear

Recently I had kind of a weird realization. If you follow my blog closely, you probably know that I have written posts about how I fear I would be driven to suicide if I lost my husband, mainly because I fear I wouldn’t be able to support myself with all my health problems, and if I lost him I feel like I would lose 90% of my support system.

The other day though I realized something that rather shocked me at first, even though it may not seem such a big thing to others. And that realization was that my real fear isn’t that I WILL commit suicide if I were alone, it is my fear that I WON’T. Maybe that sounds crazy on the surface, but let me explain further. If my husband were to die, that would leave me utterly alone, and I honestly do not believe I could continue to live this life all by myself. If I found myself in that situation, I would have to either A) Give up and commit suicide or B) Find others to trust and rely on.

Option A isn’t my real fear, it is option B. I am terrified of trusting others and letting others in. I don’t trust my ability to choose people who will not take advantage of me or end up abusing me. I feel it is almost a kind of luck that I avoided marrying an abuser in the first place. Most people who grow up like I did, in horrific abuse scenarios (physical, sexual, emotional, or mental) tend to end up surrounding themselves with people who perpetuate the cycle of abuse. I also fear that if any of my past abusers are still around, if I found myself all alone, I would be so weak that I would turn to them. Which horrifies me more than anything. It took me a long time to get free from it all (and I’m still not 100% there), but the thought of returning to hell is far more frightening than the thought of death.

However, deep down I doubt my ability to actually take my own life. I do have a strong survival instinct and an immense amount of anxiety when it comes to any form of danger. Perhaps that is why I always told myself that if I did commit suicide, it would have to be a form that is instant and leaves no chance for reconsideration, because I know if I gave myself time to rethink it I would freak out and seek help.

So, with this odd realization, what is the point of it all? I guess it is some reassurance that maybe I am stronger and more resilient than I always told myself. But more importantly, I need to work on my fear of opening up to and trusting others. It is funny that here on this blog I can be so open and bluntly honest, but in interpersonal relationships I tend to build walls and push people away before they can get too close. Somehow I need to learn to trust myself to be a good enough judge of character to give people a chance. But I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to trust myself, let alone others.

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9 thoughts on “Suicide Isn’t My Biggest Fear

    1. Yes, I feel like in many ways the deck is stacked against me when it comes to finding sources of support (between the ptsd, mental illnesses, physical illnesses, autism, etc). Add to that a lot of fear of trusting others and it becomes even harder 😦

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  1. Trusting myself has been one of the hardest parts of my Journey. But the more I trust ME and my DECISIONS, the stronger I get. I hope this can be your hope as well…if you are making a good decision for YOU then most likely that will include putting faith in someone around you. Hugs 🙂

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  2. It’s a tough thing to have all those very real fears after having a difficult childhood. It’s good that you recognize and express your fears. I believe your blog is excellent therapy and a good way to get those fears and anxieties out. Isnt it such a blessing that you have a husband that is so supportive! This is huge for someone who has been abused because you are absolutely right most people choose to surround themselves with messed up examples of what was familiar from their childhood.

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    1. Yes, I have thanked my lucky star I don’t know how many times that I avoided picking an abuser as a spouse! I came close a few times in the people I liked before I met my husband, I am so glad that I didn’t end up with them!

      Liked by 1 person

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