My Dead Sister’s Birthday

Today would have been my sister’s 41st birthday if she hadn’t committed suicide back when she was 35. It is really weird now because I am 35, so I am the exact same age she was when she died. For the first time ever, I will soon be older than my sister ever was. I won’t be the younger sister anymore…or at least that is how it feels.

Last night I didn’t sleep well at all, I had nightmare after nightmare after nightmare. None of them were specifically about my sister, but I can’t help but wonder if subconsciously the feelings I have about her birthday rolling around might not have affected my state of mind. Honestly, I didn’t even think about it being her birthday until a few minutes ago when I looked at the date on my computer clock and it hit me. Of course, this time of year I often think about her, but I am not good at keeping track of days. When you don’t work outside the home, it is easy to forget what day it is.

I’m sorry if this entry is a bit of a ramble, but I have so many mixed emotions and still so much pain about it all that it might not come out as orderly as my normal posts. Days like this really get to me, even if I don’t consciously think about them. It is like a lurking shadow hanging over the entire week or month. I’m sad today and now I’ve remembered why.

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marandarussell

Hi! I am an artist, author, and blogger who also happens to have Asperger’s Syndrome. I have won several awards and honors for my writings and artwork. I suffer from a few severe mental illness and chronic pain conditions (Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, Ehlers Danlos, Degenerative Disc Disease, etc.), which greatly affects my life and makes me want to advocate for others going through similar things. Other interests of mine include reading, writing, drawing, watching cartoons and movies, collecting toys, hanging out with my family, and annoying my 3 cats.

14 thoughts on “My Dead Sister’s Birthday”

  2. Maranda, my father had a bad night last night after we told him that one of his new friends who is 80 years old had his stomach removed. He’s fine but the thought of it gave my 91 year old father nightmares. My mother died when she was only 61 and I remember feeling very strange when I surpassed that age and realized that I had truly outlived my mother. Hopefully your sadness will pass or at least be less painful as the years go by. We never forget.

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  3. Don’t Apologise. I feel these feelings about my Dad dying. It was not directly suicide. It was through an addiction. Not of drugs. But I Choose to Remember the Best. And how He was a Great Dad before the demon won the fight. ❤xx☺

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    1. Yeah, I lost my father when I was 12, so there has always been a lot of grief there as well. Father’s Day still makes me really sad. March is just a bad month for me since it is the month my grandfather died and the month my sister committed suicide.

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