The Most Humiliating Experience of My Life

Today I’m doing something rare for me…two posts in one day! I didn’t plan to post this second entry today, but I feel compelled to do so and get something off my chest that I’m tired of hiding. For a long time I debated whether to tell my real story or not, because even when our family hurts us, we still feel a need to protect them.

So this post is about the most humiliating and potentially traumatic experience of my life. It happened when I was 15 years old. At that point I had already endured a rough childhood of turmoil, including being surrounded by and sometimes the target of verbal, mental and physical abuse, my parents’ constant instability in relationships, and the death of my father when I was 12. So, I was already pretty banged up emotionally and mentally. Not to mention the fact that I had undiagnosed high-functioning autism, which made it really hard for me to find my place in the world or understand it.

Anyhow, when I was 15, a boy who was I had been school friends with for years started showing interest in dating me. He was two grades ahead of me and 17 years old at the time. I agreed, but wasn’t sure if I really wanted to date or just be friends. So, I did bring him to my house a few times to hang out with him. In the end, I decided I just wanted to be friends and we decided not to date. Ironically enough (as you shall soon see), my mother actually helped me officially “break up” with him. We never kissed or anything like that, but the kids at school thought we were together and he was technically the first boy I ever “brought home”.

So after deciding to just be friends, I thought life would just go back to normal. But I was wrong. My mom started acting sort of weird. She was sneaking around having mysterious phone conversations and I even once caught her hiding outside, smoking, something I had NEVER seen her do before! I knew something was up, so one night I quietly picked up an extra phone extension to see who it was she was talking with at night. I was shocked to hear her and the guy I had been “dating” exchanging “I love you’s”. I confronted her after the call and she admitted to being in a relationship with him. I was angry, humiliated, shocked, and sickened.

After that, she quit hiding it and started taking off on dates with him pretty much every night, leaving me all alone night after night after night, or even dumping me off on random people so they could go away for days at a time. Before long, she moved him in and I had to live with them. By this time, everyone at school knew that he was dating my mother, which brought me a lot of uncomfortable questions about the situation, since they had all thought I had dated him. I even overheard teachers talking about my mom and the boy. Everyone treated me like my family was insane, and I felt like they had a right to do so because we WERE insane. It felt like Jerry Springer type stuff.

One of the most hurtful incidents I remember during this whole time was when I got into a fight with my mom’s new boyfriend. It was just a verbal fight, but I made him so mad with what I said that he punched me. I was so hurt by this that I jumped on my bike and rode away, even with my mom yelling after me to stop. Eventually I came back home, and instead of making him apologize to me for hitting me, my mom threatened to send me away to live with relatives. At this point, I felt like I was nothing and no one wanted me.

My mom married this boy the very day he turned 18. So I was going to the same school with my new “step-father”. Even though school had always been a refuge for me in the past, now it felt like torture every single day. I started skipping constantly and barely ended up graduating in the end because of all of it. When I was 16 we moved to another state and I went to a new school, but the feeling of shame followed me and I had given up on caring about school or about anything else. I was soon diagnosed with depression for the first time (not surprisingly!)

To this day I still hold a lot of resentment, anger, feelings of betrayal, and embarrassment about the whole thing. I have a relationship with my mother, but it is precarious and not the most trusting.

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15 thoughts on “The Most Humiliating Experience of My Life

  1. Your strength is visible. Keep being yourself, loving yourself, and you will live in the light! Be kind to yourself. That was not your fault. It sounds like that was not good for you. Express and let go through your artwork. The universe loves you, even if experiences have been very bad. There are wonderful things and people and experiences out there. Keep loving yourself. Set boundaries. Your artwork is beautiful! Every moment is a chance and an opportunity to start fresh to have a beautiful, healthy, loving life no matter what yesterday was like. People who hurt others are afraid. They’ll never gain power or good things by hurting others. Listen to yourself. What do you need, want, want to let go of, want to live like right now? Help yourself with: research, positive thinking, planning, finding healthy support systems and groups, setting boundaries, meditating, deep yoga breathing, and journalling. Having a healthy honest relationship with yourself is truly having a whole, true love.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. PS It’s helpful for others to read your story. Most people have been caused unnecessary pain by others’ bad choices, but feel alone and ashamed. Bringing these stories into the light helps others feel less alone, more connected, and inspired to overcome it. It raises awareness for how to help children and everyone before it gets even worse, and it helps others heal and move forward to share all the gifts they were born with. The survivors sometimes continue to emotionally hurt themselves because others did in the past, but if you sort out who did the hurting and try to let it go, your body will learn new, healthy, positive ways to heal and deal with stress. Eventually, you may not need medicine, but in the meantime, please be very careful with it. After a while of practicing yoga breathing or other relaxation techniques, you may be able to breathe away the pain instead of using medicine that may be adding to the issues or…not sure how your meds work, but often they make people ‘not themselves’…in a state of a sedated veil…which can be dangerous in many ways. Anyways, there are many holistic things that can help with chronic pain. #1 is not being around stressful people so you have emotional space to lovingly work on this. Positive affirmations help a lot, you can write them down and put them around your place. Look at them on the mirror as you brush your teeth, etc.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, and I definitely agree. Even to this day the warring emotions of natural loyalty to your family and the pain of trauma and abuse haunt me. It is so hard to know how to heal or even how to feel when those you should have been able to trust betray that.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Family Issues and Ex-Pastor’s Wife Resentment | Maranda Russell

  4. Pingback: Dysfunctional Family: My Mom Married My High School Friend | Maranda Russell

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