A couple nights ago I was feeling so confused and conflicted inside that I started to feel a little bit claustrophobic. Some of you may not understand that feeling if you’ve never had it yourself, but it is something I have experienced more than once when the emotional and rational parts of my brain just can’t seem to find common ground. It is even worse when the emotional parts of your brain are telling you different things at the same time too.
Part of my brain might be telling me that someone does care about me because they buy me stuff (they are so generous!) and make such a fuss over me whenever I see them. While another part of my brain is reminding me of the times they fucked me over and left me to cry alone. From what I understand, this is a common thing experienced by those who have been victims of abuse. There is a real trauma bond that is created between abuser and abused, which makes it so very hard to see the abuser for what they really are and to be able to keep your wits about you when they suddenly do something nice or swear yet again that they’ve “changed”.
I know I have complex PTSD and a buttload of cognitive dissonance going on in this weary head of mine. I know that the healing process is long, and realistically, never-ending in some ways. I know that none of it was my fault, even though I still struggle with feelings of guilt, insecurity, and inadequacy. I know that I have made wide and sweeping relationship changes I had to make for my own welfare, but I still find myself feeling sorrow for what could or should have been.
I am often confused and desperate to understand what is beyond understanding. And I guess I have to make peace with that. I really have no other choice.
Maranda Russell 
The most difficult part of this is when an adult was abused in childhood and has a false sense of what love should be and as an adult finds that same type of relationship. It’s most horrifying to find that experience in childhood caused cptsd and the bad marriage caused ptsd. It’s like a ripple effect and if it’s not diagnosed or figured it it leaves a persons nerves destroyed causing serious mental emotional and physical illnesses. I’m so glad I found a good therapist. 🙂 I hope your doing well. We were on vacation so I havnt been on here as much.
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I definitely agree! The majority of the abuse I suffered and its after-effects are from childhood. Luckily, I didn’t get into an abusive marriage, although my husband and I both have some unhealthy codependent behaviors because of our families of origin.
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I only learned about this when I was married my second time. My first marriage was the result of that, unfortunately.
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I spent 10 years in an abusive relationship/marriage. Finally got out but got ptsd stuff with it. Now remarried to the most wonderful and understanding partner. It’s amazing where the trauma creeps up. Had panic attacks on our honeymoon when people called him my “husband” because that word was so attached to trauma. Things are much better now but things still pop up. Be compassionate with yourself. Better days will come. 💕
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My abusive past comes mostly from childhood, luckily my husband isn’t abusive, but we both suffer from negative effects of our childhoods.
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