I’ve been severely depressed for a week or two now and yesterday it kind of hit a boiling point. I decided to try to get out of the house and drive to a local park to do some journaling, but all that ended up doing was causing a breakdown. I cried on the drive over, I cried while at the park, I cried on the drive home, and when I got back home I collapsed into bed and sobbed for at least an hour straight. By the time it was over, my pillow was soaked clear through and I had a migraine coming on.
I did journal while I was at the park, but it sort of ended up turning into a mock suicide letter – I was that depressed. I didn’t have the intention to go through with any form of suicidal action, but I sure felt the desire to do so. I felt so low that I had almost convinced myself that even my husband would be better off without me and would probably be relieved to be rid of me. Depression is a masterful liar and can be very persuasive.
Today I’m not feeling a lot better. More numb than anything I suppose. My body feels extremely heavy, like I have put on several hundred pounds, although I know the real weight is internal, not external. I might try to force myself out of the house again, just to see if today might go better than yesterday, but right now, I can’t even drum up the energy to take a bath. The most depressing thing is that THIS is my life. THIS is what living with Bipolar type 2 is like. I’m stuck on a wheel that I can’t get off. I’m so sick of this cycle.
*By the way, if you are looking for online therapy, BetterHelp is a great place to start!
I understand this so much. You are so brave for speaking out about Bipolar. The term is over used and many people don’t understand what it is really like. I’m here for you love!
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Aw, thanks so much! I find especially that most people don’t understand bipolar type 2, since it is quite different from bipolar type 1, which is what most people think of when they hear bipolar.
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Thinking of you #neveralone.
I also had a shocker of a day. Also did a blog post. Feel a bit better. Hope you do too.
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I’ll have to check out your post! Hopefully we will both have good days ahead of us.
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Remember it’s an illness and you’re in the midst of being quite ill. It does pass. It has before. Crying is a way of letting out that ocean of sorrow. Nobody is better off dead — that’s just a voice of the sickness. I’ve had it all my life. It’s a lie. Every time the depression breaks, the world seems like my home again. I know there’s nothing that anyone can say to make the pain stop, but it will. Good luck.
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I do understand that, and I think that is part of what keeps me holding on and not doing something rash. Even with my emotions clear out of whack, my logical side does try to tell me it is the depression speaking and not me during these times. Many people ask why I don’t just go to the hospital at times like that, but if I did, I would be in and out of the hospital constantly 😦 At least monthly probably.
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That’s such an awful place to be. I hope things start to brighten up soon. xo
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Thanks so much! I really appreciate the support.
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I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way right now. Not sure if you believe in this sort of thing but I’ve read that we are in some weird moon phase which will cause full moon like feelings until August. Many, many people are really feeling the affects. Hoping lightness finds you soon.
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I don’t know if that stuff affects me or not, but hey, could be! I don’t rule anything out unless I can prove it untrue lol.
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I understand your Sever Depression and Bipolar 2 mood swings. I too have similar diagnosis. If you ever need to chat. Just leave me a message on one of my blog post. I try to read and answer back. We could chat via email or something. 🙂
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Aw, thanks so much! I might have to take you up on that sometime. Are you on FB? We could be friends on there if you want.
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Bipolar is an awful thing condition my brother suffers from it. Please keep seeking help , my brother didn’t and he lives a very sad life . So. Please do what the doctors tell you and know your never alone. You can get happy and stay that way you just need to find the right care ! Hugs!
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Thanks so much for reading and commenting! I am really pretty good overall about doing what my doctors tell me and taking my medicine. I try to do my best to stay on top of it all 🙂 I’m sorry to hear that your brother didn’t.
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Thank you . Not much I could do I tried but he’s an adult and chose to live this way. So proud of you 🙂
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Aw, thanks!
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