A Bipolar Self Image

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Just like with my thoughts and feelings, my self image changes so wildly with my mood. A good example of this is my view of my looks and/or attractiveness. Most days I think I look average when I look in a mirror. I’m not delusional, thinking I am some kind of supermodel or show-stopping beauty, but I also don’t feel like I am a troll or a goblin.

Once in a while, when I am slightly or fully hypomanic, I look in the mirror and think I am beautiful. I will never be gorgeous in the artificial Hollywood kind of way, but when my mood is just right I can see a kind of classic or wholesome beauty in myself that I like.

But then there are days, like one I had recently, when I feel as if I am sitting in the rock bottom level of despair and gloom. On days like these, I may accidentally catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror (because I wouldn’t intentionally look), and upon viewing my reflection, I feel down to my very soul that I must be the ugliest thing in existence.

Bipolar and other mood disorders can skew our view of reality so much, sometimes I feel like I am living in different realities from day to day. Today isn’t too good, but it ain’t too bad either, so I guess average wins out again.

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marandarussell

Hi! I am an artist, author, and blogger who also happens to have Asperger’s Syndrome. I have won several awards and honors for my writings and artwork. I suffer from a few severe mental illness and chronic pain conditions (Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, Ehlers Danlos, Degenerative Disc Disease, etc.), which greatly affects my life and makes me want to advocate for others going through similar things. Other interests of mine include reading, writing, drawing, watching cartoons and movies, collecting toys, hanging out with my family, and annoying my 3 cats.

18 thoughts on “A Bipolar Self Image”

  2. I relate to those swings (with BPD II). They can be quite destabilizing (my best days are the ones I feel the most reasonable and even keel, when “average wins out” as you put it). Thanks for sharing your thoughts and insights, Maranda.

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    1. Thanks so much for reading and commenting! I have BPD II as well. I know some people think it isn’t as severe as BPD I, and as far as psychosis goes, they are probably right, but I wouldn’t wish the depressions with BPD II on ANYONE!

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      1. Yes, neither would I! It helps me to know that there are ways to endure through the lows; art is a big one for me (and, I see, you too!). 🙂 Thanks for sharing your experience, and glad I found your blog!

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  4. This is very interesting and I can relate … even the less extreme moods linked to hormonal fluctuations can wreak havoc on self perception.
    I like to see traditionally “beautiful” people without makeup and slouching. They remind us how ordinary most of us can be, and how attractiveness is so much about inner confidence and a genuine smile.
    You write well! 💜👏🏻

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  5. I can completely relate to this post. I have days where I feel beautiful and I don’t care if the world believes it because I do and I carry myself that way and can do anything. Then I have days where I catch that glimpse in the mirror and I won’t leave the house. I wish more than anything I could control it. Thank you for sharing.

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