A Bipolar Self Image

| marandarussell

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Just like with my thoughts and feelings, my self image changes so wildly with my mood. A good example of this is my view of my looks and/or attractiveness. Most days I think I look average when I look in a mirror. I’m not delusional, thinking I am some kind of supermodel or show-stopping beauty, but I also don’t feel like I am a troll or a goblin.

Once in a while, when I am slightly or fully hypomanic, I look in the mirror and think I am beautiful. I will never be gorgeous in the artificial Hollywood kind of way, but when my mood is just right I can see a kind of classic or wholesome beauty in myself that I like.

But then there are days, like one I had recently, when I feel as if I am sitting in the rock bottom level of despair and gloom. On days like these, I may accidentally catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror (because I wouldn’t intentionally look), and upon viewing my reflection, I feel down to my very soul that I must be the ugliest thing in existence.

Bipolar and other mood disorders can skew our view of reality so much, sometimes I feel like I am living in different realities from day to day. Today isn’t too good, but it ain’t too bad either, so I guess average wins out again.

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18 thoughts on “A Bipolar Self Image”

  2. I relate to those swings (with BPD II). They can be quite destabilizing (my best days are the ones I feel the most reasonable and even keel, when “average wins out” as you put it). Thanks for sharing your thoughts and insights, Maranda.

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    1. Thanks so much for reading and commenting! I have BPD II as well. I know some people think it isn’t as severe as BPD I, and as far as psychosis goes, they are probably right, but I wouldn’t wish the depressions with BPD II on ANYONE!

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      1. Yes, neither would I! It helps me to know that there are ways to endure through the lows; art is a big one for me (and, I see, you too!). 🙂 Thanks for sharing your experience, and glad I found your blog!

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  4. This is very interesting and I can relate … even the less extreme moods linked to hormonal fluctuations can wreak havoc on self perception.
    I like to see traditionally “beautiful” people without makeup and slouching. They remind us how ordinary most of us can be, and how attractiveness is so much about inner confidence and a genuine smile.
    You write well! 💜👏🏻

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  5. I can completely relate to this post. I have days where I feel beautiful and I don’t care if the world believes it because I do and I carry myself that way and can do anything. Then I have days where I catch that glimpse in the mirror and I won’t leave the house. I wish more than anything I could control it. Thank you for sharing.

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