Do you ever wonder if it all matters? I sure do. I try to be positive most of the time when I think about the things I do and whether they make a difference, but when I get depressed, the voices of doubt tend to get louder. They say some pretty mean things:
Are you just wasting your time writing and making art? Who really cares?
Why would anyone care what you have to say? Who do you think you are?
You try to support others, but do they even notice? Does it even help them?
You only focus so much on art and writing because you can’t keep a REAL job.
Your own family never cared that much about you, why would anyone else?
If you died today, barely anyone would notice or care. Your funeral would be empty.
You are selfish and everyone sees through you.
You are a drain on your husband and society in general.
I know these are very negative (some would even say abusive) thoughts, but when I am feeling low, they play in my head like a stuck record. By writing them out, I am hoping they will finally shut the hell up. Do any of these thoughts (or similar ones) ever haunt you?
I have thoughts like that, but I usually come back to the idea that meaning is only meaningful to a sentient being that can appreciate it. Inanimate things — rocks, water, air, etc. — find no meaning in anything, and don’t care that they don’t. Why should I care about the lack of meaning in the existence of some rock when the rock doesn’t even care itself?
I, however, am a sentient being, and the whole issue of meaning means a great deal to me, and others like me, and indeed the fact that I have those kinds of thoughts in the first place is proof positive that it means something to me. A few examples, based on your own (a trained CBT counselor could probably give even better ones):
I care about my art, and I care about the art others make too.
I care about what I have to say, and I care about what others have to say too.
I notice that I try to support others, even if they don’t, and I notice and am grateful for the support that others offer to me.
Art and writing is my real job. The fact that nobody wants to pay me for it just means that I have to work harder at it.
No amount of caring about me from someone else can make up for my own lack of self-care. The better care I take of myself, the less care I will need from someone else, and the freer I will be to care about someone else.
As long as I’m still alive I can work on my relationships with others.
The fact that I care about whether I’m selfish means that I can strive to be more caring and giving.
The fact that I care about whether I am self-reliant, at least, and hopefully give more than I get means that I can strive to be more self-reliant and helpful to others.
Hope that’s useful in some way! Please let me know if you have alternatives or improvements.
🙂
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Thanks, that is really helpful. You would think I would be able to think it through and come up with that stuff myself, but when you are in that “down space”, it is hard to even remember any of those skills.
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I would love to know what you come up with when you do. You’re clearly a very thoughtful and creative individual. ☺️
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Aw, thank you 🙂
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I think a lot of people think this way at one time or another . You can’t listen to them their self doubt . Stay positive.
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Thank you. Writing stuff like this out almost feels like an exorcism sometimes lol.
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Lol I can see that !
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I care. I notice. ❤️
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Thank you Ashley 🙂
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I can relate to some of them, as I’m sure many people can. Self doubt is abusive all by itself. Add in family, and personal worth, and there ya go! I hope writing it out helps you. But you’re doing things, your art, your writing, they’re all real…no matter what anyone else says, or thinks. Hang tough!
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Thanks Dorinda. I really appreciate that 🙂
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Stop listening to people who have no clue. I did. It’s working so far 🙂
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My thoughts are similar sometimes. They go like this: Why would anyone ever want to be friends with me?
I’m not interesting or anything. I’m nothing.
If everything’s gonna end, what’s the point?
You have nothing good to say.
You’re a burden.
You don’t deserve to be happy.
There’s nothing to like about you.
And logically I know that’s really mean to say to myself, but sometimes I can’t help it. And then I bum myself out for realizing but not replacing the thoughts.
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Yeah, that sounds a lot like what I go through too 😦 I wish we could all be kinder to ourselves, but it is hard sometimes. Especially when you get those rotating negative thoughts stuck in your head and they just won’t go away.
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I don’t think we’re supposed to be positive and “up” all the time. We all experience self doubt and wonder if life is worth living. It’s part of being aware of our own mortality, but also I think society pushes this image of positivity to extremes. But no matter how successful you are, you have self doubt. If you don’t, you’re an egomaniac and probably cruel. As I age, I just try to carry the down times and doubt more lightly, and move on. It’s like the long term illness everyone has — we doubt, we fear, but we move forward — some with more grace than others. Making art, making crafts, making things has always been a part of human culture. We buy things instead in modern culture. But When you make something whether it’s important or not to anyone else, you’re in touch with a basic human need and instinct. Arts and crafts are part of what makes us human.
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What a wonderful way of looking at it 🙂
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Thoughts like these are what held me back for so long and I don’t believe it’s uncommon at all. Writing definitely helps me and being a part of the writing community surrounded by like minded people who share in these types of emotions allows me to feel less alone.
You are worth it and your thoughts and feelings do matter no matter what that inner voice tells you! You are not alone.
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Thank you so much for reading and commenting 🙂 Your encouragement means the world to me!
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🧡
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