A Night Full of Nightmares

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Last night I had a bunch of nightmares. In fact, I woke up feeling like that was all I did all night – face some of my darkest fears. These nightmares didn’t feature vampires, ghosts, ax murderers, clowns, or spiders…they featured the person I love the most in the world, my husband.

In these dreams my husband turned cruel and cold. He stopped caring about me. He wanted to leave me or even kill me. The betrayals started small in the dreams, with him choosing friends over me and simply being uncaring and dismissive of my feelings, but they accelerated as the dreams went on and turned to him expressing extreme hatred towards me and even trying to stage an “accident” to get rid of me.

Let me say that these dreams ARE NOT representative of my husband’s treatment of me. We have been together 15 years and he has been wonderful. Caring, patient, understanding, loving, forgiving….all of these are adjectives that fit him perfectly. He always puts me first before anyone else, often, even before himself.

So why the bad dreams? My guess is PTSD. When you grow up in an unstable environment with mentally ill, abusive, and selfish people who often put their own desires before your needs, it fucks you up for life. You always feel unworthy. You always feel like the rug of security can be pulled out from beneath your feet at any time. You feel like you don’t deserve good things, and if you do happen to get love and affection, you are suspicious and paranoid about it. How I wish I could just forget the past.

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17 thoughts on “A Night Full of Nightmares

  1. I remember my guy having words with me before that I couldn’t hold him responsible for what he does in my dreams. I hate those dreams. But to be frank I haven’t had a memorable dream in a long time… the ones that linger for a few minutes after waking up. Mine just disappear now, kind of sad.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I once farted in bed, woke myself up from the smell, blamed my husband, and went back to sleep. Mind you, this was something he told me the next morning. Have you ever had dreams where instead of hurting you, he’s just stupid? That’s a whole world of possibilities in guilt dreaming!

        Liked by 1 person

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