Spiral of Anxiety and Fear

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I am feeling so incredibly stressed about my upcoming SSDI hearing and everything related to it. It has become an obsessive thought pattern that I can’t get out of. This always happens when something I am super nervous or scared about is looming on the horizon. My mind is a circular track of “what ifs”, incessant thoughts about things I need to do, fears that I will make a mistake and blow my last chance for SSDI benefits, and fear that if I fail and am denied again, it will once again send me into a suicidal spiral of feeling worthless, disbelieved, and like I will forever be a burden to society and those I love.

Tomorrow I have to ask my psychologist to fill out a RFC (Residual Functional Capacity) form for the hearing. I think she will be open to it and want to help, but I am still anxious about asking and scared of rejection. I have to ask my primary care physician to fill out a similar form when I see her next week, and am even more nervous about that because I know she is often rushed and I don’t want to be an inconvenience or annoy anyone by making demands.

As you can see, I struggle greatly with asking anyone to do anything for me. I’m not sure if it is just my lousy self-esteem or what, but I always feel like anything I need is an imposition on someone else. Maybe the result of being raised by a narcissistic parent? Growing up, I often was made to feel like anything I needed (emotionally or physically) was selfish and inconvenient to those around me. To this day, I struggle with feeling like I am actually entitled to anything – even basic human respect.

I think my fear of being disbelieved about my disabilities also stems from the fact that when I first started getting really sick, even my own husband and family didn’t believe me. My husband came around first, when he saw how much I truly was suffering every day and how even the things I loved most were being ripped away from me. He has even apologized for his initial doubts. Some of my family (including in-laws) still make me feel invalidated, but I’ve come to the conclusion I can’t do much about that.

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marandarussell

Hi! I am an artist, author, and blogger who also happens to have Asperger’s Syndrome. I have won several awards and honors for my writings and artwork. I suffer from a few severe mental illness and chronic pain conditions (Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, Ehlers Danlos, Degenerative Disc Disease, etc.), which greatly affects my life and makes me want to advocate for others going through similar things. Other interests of mine include reading, writing, drawing, watching cartoons and movies, collecting toys, hanging out with my family, and annoying my 3 cats.

29 thoughts on “Spiral of Anxiety and Fear”

      2. I have been reading a lot and trying to watch stuff to distract me. Obsessive thoughts are so hard to turn off though. It feels like they are still churning below the surface even when I am distracted. It is hard to explain 😦

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  2. I was worried the whole process first with a work compensation claim against the military, a navy car caused a triple rollover, me.

    We are vulnerable when others decide our fate. It is a real concern.

    Worrying does nothing but make it worse

    Keep your mind o choked, pay attention and meditated if you can.

    Strenuous Aerobic exercise can help a lot also

    Good luck

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    1. Unfortunately strenuous aerobic exercise is out of the question due to my physical problems, sometimes I do visualize kick boxing though, even though I can’t do it, it feels good to imagine hitting and kicking things lol.

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      1. I meant to say keep your mind occupied

        Letting my mind meander brings suffering

        Have you tried using slow exhales to let the thought go

        Picture these thoughts at the end of your extended arm in front of your body

        They are appendages, not important and not accurate

        Also using our senses can keep us present recognize what your eyes see without judgment

        I also
        Remind myself of all the things I am grateful for

        Many other suffer way more than me

        It helps
        Me be more grateful

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I also feel more paranoid since I got this lungs disease and still going through the healing process. Sometimes those fears and thoughts can ruin your mind badly, so I keep it distracted. I’m starting blogging, sharing what I feel, read books, go somewhere I feel nice with myself. Just know that you still have a courage within yourself, you’re free to make decisions that make you feel okay, it’s all on you. Keep fighting 💪

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  7. Sending positive thoughts, Maranda – this sounds very challenging and trying, and getting paperwork done is already difficult without the added anxieties and doutbs. Just know that you’re entitled to all the help that’s out there, and it’s your basic right to ask for (and get!) what you need. Sorry to repeat any of the above comments. In solidarity!

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  11. Your husband realized your pain and he loves you very much. When my son was diagnosed with depression, my first wife thought he wasn’t really sick and to just suck it up. And she was a nurse. I never doubted his condition or that it was a disease caused by a chemical imbalance. Everyone is different and some will never understand our chronic pain and silent, unseen illnesses. Stay strong young friend.

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    1. The ones that most affect me are probably autism, bipolar type 2, ptsd, generalized and social anxiety disorders, fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, IBS, plantar fasciitis, degenerative disc disease and herniated discs. I am being tested soon for Ehlers Danlos which would at least explain the physical issues.

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