I am feeling so incredibly stressed about my upcoming SSDI hearing and everything related to it. It has become an obsessive thought pattern that I can’t get out of. This always happens when something I am super nervous or scared about is looming on the horizon. My mind is a circular track of “what ifs”, incessant thoughts about things I need to do, fears that I will make a mistake and blow my last chance for SSDI benefits, and fear that if I fail and am denied again, it will once again send me into a suicidal spiral of feeling worthless, disbelieved, and like I will forever be a burden to society and those I love.
Tomorrow I have to ask my psychologist to fill out a RFC (Residual Functional Capacity) form for the hearing. I think she will be open to it and want to help, but I am still anxious about asking and scared of rejection. I have to ask my primary care physician to fill out a similar form when I see her next week, and am even more nervous about that because I know she is often rushed and I don’t want to be an inconvenience or annoy anyone by making demands.
As you can see, I struggle greatly with asking anyone to do anything for me. I’m not sure if it is just my lousy self-esteem or what, but I always feel like anything I need is an imposition on someone else. Maybe the result of being raised by a narcissistic parent? Growing up, I often was made to feel like anything I needed (emotionally or physically) was selfish and inconvenient to those around me. To this day, I struggle with feeling like I am actually entitled to anything – even basic human respect.
I think my fear of being disbelieved about my disabilities also stems from the fact that when I first started getting really sick, even my own husband and family didn’t believe me. My husband came around first, when he saw how much I truly was suffering every day and how even the things I loved most were being ripped away from me. He has even apologized for his initial doubts. Some of my family (including in-laws) still make me feel invalidated, but I’ve come to the conclusion I can’t do much about that.
Maranda Russell 
29 responses to “Spiral of Anxiety and Fear”
You need to let go of the non-ending cycle of thoughts concerning your hearing. Try to divert your mind. All will be okay.
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I am trying to distract myself, but it is so hard!!!
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I know but you should try music or reading, anything to tasks your mind off the topic.
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I have been reading a lot and trying to watch stuff to distract me. Obsessive thoughts are so hard to turn off though. It feels like they are still churning below the surface even when I am distracted. It is hard to explain 😦
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I do understand as I have a young friend who has a similar issue.
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I was worried the whole process first with a work compensation claim against the military, a navy car caused a triple rollover, me.
We are vulnerable when others decide our fate. It is a real concern.
Worrying does nothing but make it worse
Keep your mind o choked, pay attention and meditated if you can.
Strenuous Aerobic exercise can help a lot also
Good luck
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Unfortunately strenuous aerobic exercise is out of the question due to my physical problems, sometimes I do visualize kick boxing though, even though I can’t do it, it feels good to imagine hitting and kicking things lol.
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I meant to say keep your mind occupied
Letting my mind meander brings suffering
Have you tried using slow exhales to let the thought go
Picture these thoughts at the end of your extended arm in front of your body
They are appendages, not important and not accurate
Also using our senses can keep us present recognize what your eyes see without judgment
I also
Remind myself of all the things I am grateful for
Many other suffer way more than me
It helps
Me be more grateful
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I can’t help with the obsessive thoughts although I want you to remember that YOU ARE ENTITLED to ask your physician for help to fill in the form. ❤️
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Aw, thanks! That makes me feel a bit better.
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Yes, of course. I know how nervous it makes you feel BUT you are also asking something which you are entitled to, so go ahead and ask 🙂
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Offer to leave the form so that your Dr can fill it out later. Or make two copies and fill one out as best you can so the dr has your notes. Hoping once this form business is behind you it’ll feel more settled.
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Fingers crossed.
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I hope it turns out ok. This waiting period sounds brutal.
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It is! I hate waiting periods, it fucks with my anxiety so much!
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I also feel more paranoid since I got this lungs disease and still going through the healing process. Sometimes those fears and thoughts can ruin your mind badly, so I keep it distracted. I’m starting blogging, sharing what I feel, read books, go somewhere I feel nice with myself. Just know that you still have a courage within yourself, you’re free to make decisions that make you feel okay, it’s all on you. Keep fighting 💪
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Thanks so much, that means a lot!
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Sending positive thoughts, Maranda – this sounds very challenging and trying, and getting paperwork done is already difficult without the added anxieties and doutbs. Just know that you’re entitled to all the help that’s out there, and it’s your basic right to ask for (and get!) what you need. Sorry to repeat any of the above comments. In solidarity!
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Thanks so much 🙂
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Lots of luck Miranda. I hope it all goes well and you can give yourself a break from all the anxiety.
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Well, my psychologist agreed to fill out the papers, so that is some pressure off. I still have to ask my other doctor Tuesday though.
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That’s a good start. Good luck for Tuesday.
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Just let your lawyer do his job , answer when they ask you questions just be honest and you will do great. It’s not as scary as you think . I had a harsh judge but just be honest and they warm up .
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I am trying to calm down. Dealing with new health issues has kind of distracted me.
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Your husband realized your pain and he loves you very much. When my son was diagnosed with depression, my first wife thought he wasn’t really sick and to just suck it up. And she was a nurse. I never doubted his condition or that it was a disease caused by a chemical imbalance. Everyone is different and some will never understand our chronic pain and silent, unseen illnesses. Stay strong young friend.
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Thanks so much Walt 🙂
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You’re very welcome ☺
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What disabilities do you have, if you don’t mind me asking?
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The ones that most affect me are probably autism, bipolar type 2, ptsd, generalized and social anxiety disorders, fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, IBS, plantar fasciitis, degenerative disc disease and herniated discs. I am being tested soon for Ehlers Danlos which would at least explain the physical issues.
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