I’m a High-Strung Mess

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I am currently a high-strung mess. As my SSDI hearing looms nearer and nearer, I find myself obsessing way too much over it and almost panicking about the fact that I feel powerless over what will happen in the end. I am trying to do absolutely everything I can think of to prepare for it and make sure we have good medical documentation especially, but that in itself is stressing me out because it means having to be assertive and ask for things from my physicians which I despise having to do. I HATE having to ask ANYONE for ANYTHING. It is just the way I am, but sometimes you have to do the things you hate…

I do not do well when I feel like I am not in control of a situation. My anxiety can’t handle the uncertainty and the endless waiting. I would almost rather deal with the worst case scenario immediately rather than be in limbo for months waiting for someone else to decide my fate. On top of that, I feel like I am annoying those around me (lawyer office employees, doctors, my poor husband) because of my intense anxiety state. I talked to a paralegal today and she told me to take a deep breath and relax lol. If only I could! I can do the deep breath, but the relaxing part just ain’t kicking in.

The heightened stress is taking a physical toll too, as it always does. My upper back/shoulder/neck area is flaring again to the point that I am regularly rolling on Lidocaine and had to take some Tramadol. The pain is so bad I can’t do any household tasks, which makes me feel bad too. Even typing this is painful and requires frequent breaks.

Now I feel like my whining is probably annoying all of you too lol. Sorry if that is the case, but I just needed to vent!

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marandarussell

Hi! I am an artist, author, and blogger who also happens to have Asperger’s Syndrome. I have won several awards and honors for my writings and artwork. I suffer from a few severe mental illness and chronic pain conditions (Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, Ehlers Danlos, Degenerative Disc Disease, etc.), which greatly affects my life and makes me want to advocate for others going through similar things. Other interests of mine include reading, writing, drawing, watching cartoons and movies, collecting toys, hanging out with my family, and annoying my 3 cats.

21 thoughts on “I’m a High-Strung Mess”

  4. I have a song for you, it’s called “Fall on Me” by Moonstar88. On Instagram I sang a line of the song in the video that has the grumpy red fairy.
    I want you to know that you can always email or comment your whatever fucking whatevers to me. If you don’t want to do that, DO IT HERE! VENT ALL YOUR SHIT HERE and that will help you to release the shit storm anxiety frustration storm that is building inside you. You need to air it out before the tempest consumes you. Don’t wanna lose yourself in the cyclone tornado storm of swirly mental and emotional metaphysical climatic pressure changes. It’s harder to try to find your way back home the longer you hold on to the “physical” tethers that connect you to home.
    I’m thinking Wizard of Oz. I’m not Dorothy but most people think I am. I’m the yellow brick road. *hugs*

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  7. Oh, poor Maranda, I am so sorry for you. I know what being stressed means and I totally understand you. Please, try to find your inner peace, try to find something that really relaxes you and makes you feel better, after that you do what you have to do with calm and perseverence.
    Pills are not an answer or a solve to your problem. The answer is within. Find what kills you and destroy it.
    Wish you all the best, Catherine!

    Liked by 1 person

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