Out of Anxiety Meds & Body Dysmorphia

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I’ve had a rough few days. I think the main problem is that I’ve been out of my anxiety meds for a while because Buspirone is on national back-order for some reason, and my pharmacy doesn’t know when/if they will get it back in. I contacted my psychiatrist today to ask him to prescribe something else, hopefully he will do so soon. I was going to try to just hang on until my appointment with him at the end of the month, but I am having some real anxiety issues cropping up without my meds.

For one thing, I’ve been having some body dysmorphia issues, which happens now and then. I’ve heard that issues like these are common among high-functioning autistic people. I’m not trans or anything like that. I don’t want to be a man. But, for some reason, ever since I hit puberty, I’ve always felt kind of uncomfortable in my own body. I’m not sure why. I don’t think I’m extremely ugly or anything like that, but it is like there is some kind of disconnect in my brain when I look in the mirror. I feel like my body looks wrong somehow or like it isn’t the body I should have. It is hard to explain.

I think part of it has to do with always feeling unfeminine. Like I said, I don’t want to be a man, but I’ve always felt like I’m not very good at being a woman either lol. I feel like a tomboy, I always have, yet sometimes when I look in the mirror I look more like a woman than I feel. It is weird. I also have always wished I was thinner, more flat-chested, and athletic-looking overall, but my genes just don’t cooperate with me. It is funny to me when I hear women saying they want bigger boobs. I’m always like “why would anyone want that?”, but I know everyone has their own insecurities, and some people obviously have different ones than I do.

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18 thoughts on “Out of Anxiety Meds & Body Dysmorphia

  1. i totally get this about the body stuff. i have a very large frame for a woman & have never felt like i quite classified as being in the feminine realm, but i don’t want to be a man either.
    i loved being flat chested.
    then i had babies & got boobs. i feel awkward most the time.
    i hope you start feeling better soon ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate a bit to this. I was a fat kid and bullied for it. I’ve always felt like I take up too much space and that I have a large face especially. I used to envy the tiny girls in school who looked like little sprites. But I’m actually small now! My face is small. It’s a jolt to see myself at times.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I can relate to that a bit too. After my dad died when I was 12, I put on weight and reached the highest weight I have ever been, then when I turned 15/16, I lost at least 20-30 pounds and have been an average weight since. I still wish I was tinier though.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve had body image issues since puberty. I was actually bulimic for two years as a teenager, but I still have issues around food and I’ve never really felt good about my body, although I have managed to achieve something like an indifference that tilts occasionally just a smidge toward displeasure.

    I hope you feel better!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I too had issues with my body since forever. I too don’t feel ” just right.” It is hard to be your own person in a world filled with stereotypes and false expectations. It is even harder to be a woman in a society in which the perfect woman is the woman you see in movies and advertisements. ” Woman” is a socially constructed term created by the society in which we live. You are a beautiful person and an amazing human being. Everything else is just what society wants from you…and not what you really are.

    Liked by 1 person

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