I Hate Disappointing People


You ever go to a doctor’s appointment and feel like you somehow disappointed them? That’s how I’m feeling today. I went to see my psychiatrist and while he didn’t say anything overly negative or mean, I just left with the feeling that somehow he was a little disappointed in me.

Perhaps I am projecting here, but I kind of feel like he isn’t quite as supportive as my other doctors about my going on SSDI. Not because he doesn’t think I have real problems and medical conditions, but because he seems to think I have a lot of potential and maybe he thinks if I get disability I’m just going to sit around and do nothing the rest of my life.

This may be partly my fault if he has that impression. After all, I don’t normally talk about all the stuff I do enjoy doing while there. I only see him every couple months for a short visit, so I tend to focus on what is going wrong, not what is going right. I don’t talk about all the art I make and sell or the books I write and sell. I don’t talk about my blogging. I don’t talk about all the people I correspond with on social media. I didn’t mention that I was recently made a board member on the International Board of Sensory Accessibility. I didn’t tell him about the art contest I submitted three artworks to this month. I don’t tell him about the online communities for chronic illness, chronic pain, autism, and other conditions that have given me a chance to support others and receive support myself.

I kind of wish I had mentioned some of those things now. Maybe next time.

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Hi! I am an artist, author, and blogger who also happens to have Asperger’s Syndrome. I have won several awards and honors for my writings and artwork. I suffer from a few severe mental illness and chronic pain conditions (Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, Ehlers Danlos, Degenerative Disc Disease, etc.), which greatly affects my life and makes me want to advocate for others going through similar things. Other interests of mine include reading, writing, drawing, watching cartoons and movies, collecting toys, hanging out with my family, and annoying my 3 cats.

15 thoughts on “I Hate Disappointing People”

  1. Sounds like perhaps your psych is a little concerned of how much money he will get when you go on SSDI. A few years back I had to go on SSDI – did save a lot on meds though! But I find I do more now between my Shops and Blogging then I did sitting at a desk for 8 hours! Hang in there!!!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t believe so as one should have nothing to do with the other. If you opt out of SSDI’s medical insurance – which they deduct $100+ from my month payment – you have the option of Doctors on their plans – which the”D” prescription plan – the average co-pay is $3 – $4 per prescription. But you if you are already covered under your husbands plan, stay with that if it is cheaper and offers better benefits!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You are an amazing person. People can really only respond to your representation of yourself. He provides a service, and you utilise that service. He doesn’t have to be your friend. I reckon you might just be projecting. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Look how sensitive we are, maybe even defensive as we judge ourselves harshly.

    Our need for approval and support makes us vulnerable.

    Outright Criticism ignites our over analyzing our worthiness or unworthiness for days or longer

    I was in a triple rollover accident, which took me through workers compensation, ssdi and 100% disability rating.

    Doctors and lawyers decide our future. We are no longer in control of our life

    Incredibly cruel for us in a vulnerable space

    Now, let’s take a step back and look at your life. You do art, blog, write books, share in online Communities and have a family life.

    You care and take action in the face of chronic pain and autism

    Celebrate your Awareness and ability to move, take action in the face of your challenges.

    Most people
    Freeze, isolate or numb themselves

    We have to learn to listen to our inner world and let our Judgments by us about us go.

    Trust your own intuition and people Around you that you

    All we can do is our best, try our hardest then relax and enjoy life In this moment

    Sounds like you are productive and aware

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Omg !!! My doctor felt .. made me feel .. think the same way when I went on disability . He too didn’t realize how I still socialize what I get into what I do do.. then I had a bad full and he realize how much harder it was for me to heal then a normal working person would heal from it . And that gave in sight that I wasn’t copping out I was surviving trying to maintain my well being that worked for me …and the routine of a job would only hurt me .. do not let them make you feel this way .. I was wondering how this was going?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m feeling better about it today. My SSDI hearing is this month on the 20th, so I’m trying not to freak out too much in the meantime but it is hard not to worry about it. I think the anxiety is a big part of my migraines recently.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No worries just be yourself tell them like it is exactly how you feel. They will ask you certain questions just answer them the best you can a little nervousness actually works on your behalf .. I’ve seen people go in cocky and they do not get it. So just do what they ask. Keep us posted.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I will have to take more time to think about this post. The relationship you have with your blog readers seems quite separate from this professional mentioned above. Even though the time you have with the doctor is usually short, the meeting was face to face. Well, not during the pandemic of course. That may be a clue. Blogging gives users the time to think as they present themselves and frame themselves, perhaps with empowerment. The caring professions are only now catching up to the on line world and the generations of people who were born into it. Chances are, even if your doctor is younger, they were not trained to relate to patients on line and the teaching and learning they received at university predates the virtual world. I am not sure where this reply is going. I guess I am left with the sense that the meeting you specifically refer to above was inadequate therapy. On another note, I made a very quick tour of some of your art work. If that was yours (I really was just rushing with a handheld device), it is yet more evidence that you are a most creative and together person. Astoundingly beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! Yes, the art on my blog is indeed mine unless listed otherwise. Your encouraging words mean a lot to me. Yeah, my doctor is older, so probably not the most social media savvy. The last time we talked (on the phone because of all the covid precautions), I made sure to mention all the stuff I had been busy with lately and he sounded very happy to know that I was keeping busy with hobbies and even making a little bit of a side income from it all.


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