I am not afraid to die –
but I am not yet
unafraid of living.
I’m not sure I have ever written truer words than the 3-line poem above. This little gem came to me while taking a bath last night, so I repeated it to myself like a mantra until I got out of the tub and could write it down.
It is true that I am not afraid of death. I am a bit afraid of the actual feeling of dying, mostly because of the instinctual anxiety I fear it would bring. However, I am not afraid of being dead. In fact, I rather look forward to it. If there is something after death, it will be awesome to explore and find out what else is out there. If there is nothing after death, it will just be like the times I have passed out or been put out for surgery…simply a loss of consciousness which often sounds like a relief in itself. No more worrying. No more pain. No more anxiety or depression.
However, living is scary. Knowing I may have years and years of dealing with anxiety and depression ahead of me. Knowing that I will likely suffer from chronic pain and chronic illness until I die. Knowing that my degenerative conditions will likely worsen with time. Fearing that my husband may get sick or die and I will be alone. Fearing financial ruin. Fearing homelessness. Fearing potentially abusive situations. Fearing the entire planet going to shit (a justifiable fear from my point of view). Fearing that I may end up committing suicide if life becomes unbearable (not the ending I would desire for my life).
Maranda Russell 
40 responses to “Afraid of Living”
Its ok to be afraid, but never forget that life is for living!
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Good point 🙂
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I worry about nothing and it solves nothing!
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Not so easy when you have OCD and an anxiety disorder though lol.
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Just such a beautiful, relatable post. Thank you.
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Glad you could relate, but kind of sad too.
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I know. Thank you ❤️️ We never wish what we live with on others, right?
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You resonate my thoughts. I have often left that death brings relief in ways more than one. It permanently ends all the woes that keep smothering us
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Yes, I feel that way too. It is the living that is hard.
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Whew!
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Feels good to get it off my chest at least.
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I’m sure…
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My dear friend, I also think about life and death. I too want to live and my carnal mind fears the death I may face. My spirtual heart looks forward to seeing the face of my God, Jesus Christ. Hope in this has brought me thru possible death in 2016 and again in 2017 as I have congestive heart failure. I think we live for a purpose He gave us before we were born. I am now seeing that purpose in this blog. There is a site I trust that can answer your questions when you are ready. It is: gotquestions.org. Love in our Christ Jesus.
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I used to be an evangelical Christian. Over time I have become more spiritual though and less religious. I come from a complex religious background where women were minimalized, devalued, and controlled, which I’m sure has affected my view of religion overall.
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I understand.:))
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There’s this song by Jack off Jill called “fear of dying” which, IMO, perfectly matches the feelings expressed in your blog post. If you don’t know it, you should look it up!!! If you do know it, rock out 😎😀❤💀
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I’ll have to look it up. Not familiar with it. Love that band name though lol.
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Me too. They’re one of my favourite bands. Part of why I love music so much is that it helps me feel not so alone, because someone else has made a song that I can relate to. Especially when they’re not your typical feelings xoxo
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I understand your worry .. but worry makes adds stress to your body even more making you feel more miserable no this because I’m a worrier .. worry does no good . Hugs!🙂
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I know you are right. My anxiety and OCD won’t release their grip on my mind though lol.
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I know it must be so hard .. just do the the best you can . Thinking of you💕
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Thank you ♥
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🙂
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We experience those fears as a deficit of control, it is the unknown, and I think the common response is “not now” or “I’m not ready” as we have a sense of needing completion before departing. Well that’s one view, and one that I share. I love that saying that fear of the future robs us of living now. Thank you for sharing so transparently. Mine is the manner of my dying.
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I think a lot about the method I will die by as well. I just hope it is quick and relatively painless and I hope I don’t see it coming.
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Me too
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Hear, hear 💐
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Welcome fellow fearful one 🙂
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That is one of the best descriptions of the infamous “sense of foreshortened future” in PTSD I’ve seen. Also, well, it will probably be my next post, but at my eye doctor follow-up I just learned that, though the fix for last summer’s EDS-related vision loss is holding in the sense that I can still see to write, my eyes are still continually losing ability to focus together because collagen is kind of necessary for eyes to focus together. So, back again in a few months to do specialized testing to map this and then we determine if it requires surgery?! Not what I was hoping to hear. Ugh. EDS is awesome for playing right into that whole “foreshortened future” PTSD fear…
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Yes, exactly. I am sorry to hear about the vision loss. My eyesight hasn’t gotten too bad yet, although I am near sighted and have had glasses since I was 12.
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This is a brilliant post, it describes real life for so many. I never used it to think about Death. Now since the world changed, I find it so hard not to.
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Thanks so much for reading and commenting. Yeah, I’ve always been obsessed with death, but then again, I am a Scorpio, the sign of death.
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As you can tell by my tardiness, I am trying to catch up on my reading. LOL!
I couldn’t agree with you more on this very subject. I’m not so much worrying about my own passing. I think I’m more worried if it will be a painful death. That of course, leads to feeling more anxious.
One thing is certain, I sure as hell won’t miss being anxious, depressed, and feeling lost.
I know I’m reading this a bit late, but I hope you don’t mind me reblogging this. I find that this is something that enters everyone’s mind from one time or another.
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Thanks for the reblog! Late is better than never 🙂
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Thank you for understanding and also allowing me to reblog. 😘
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You are always welcome to reblog anything of mine 🙂
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Thanks, Maranda! 😊
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Reblogged this on Beckie's Mental Mess and commented:
REBLOG: Original post by Maranda Russell. I found this post quite intriguing because I’m sure most of us think of the subject of “Death” from time to time. I found Maranda’s candid take on it to be as real can be.
What are your thoughts?
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I love your attitude!
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LOL, thanks!
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