Afraid of Living

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I am not afraid to die –
but I am not yet
unafraid of living.

I’m not sure I have ever written truer words than the 3-line poem above. This little gem came to me while taking a bath last night, so I repeated it to myself like a mantra until I got out of the tub and could write it down.

It is true that I am not afraid of death. I am a bit afraid of the actual feeling of dying, mostly because of the instinctual anxiety I fear it would bring. However, I am not afraid of being dead. In fact, I rather look forward to it. If there is something after death, it will be awesome to explore and find out what else is out there. If there is nothing after death, it will just be like the times I have passed out or been put out for surgery…simply a loss of consciousness which often sounds like a relief in itself. No more worrying. No more pain. No more anxiety or depression.

However, living is scary. Knowing I may have years and years of dealing with anxiety and depression ahead of me. Knowing that I will likely suffer from chronic pain and chronic illness until I die. Knowing that my degenerative conditions will likely worsen with time. Fearing that my husband may get sick or die and I will be alone. Fearing financial ruin. Fearing homelessness. Fearing potentially abusive situations. Fearing the entire planet going to shit (a justifiable fear from my point of view). Fearing that I may end up committing suicide if life becomes unbearable (not the ending I would desire for my life).

Published by

marandarussell

Hi! I am an artist, author, and blogger who also happens to have Asperger’s Syndrome. I have won several awards and honors for my writings and artwork. I suffer from a few severe mental illness and chronic pain conditions (Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, Ehlers Danlos, Degenerative Disc Disease, etc.), which greatly affects my life and makes me want to advocate for others going through similar things. Other interests of mine include reading, writing, drawing, watching cartoons and movies, collecting toys, hanging out with my family, and annoying my 3 cats.

40 thoughts on “Afraid of Living”

  3. You resonate my thoughts. I have often left that death brings relief in ways more than one. It permanently ends all the woes that keep smothering us

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  5. My dear friend, I also think about life and death. I too want to live and my carnal mind fears the death I may face. My spirtual heart looks forward to seeing the face of my God, Jesus Christ. Hope in this has brought me thru possible death in 2016 and again in 2017 as I have congestive heart failure. I think we live for a purpose He gave us before we were born. I am now seeing that purpose in this blog. There is a site I trust that can answer your questions when you are ready. It is: gotquestions.org. Love in our Christ Jesus.

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    1. I used to be an evangelical Christian. Over time I have become more spiritual though and less religious. I come from a complex religious background where women were minimalized, devalued, and controlled, which I’m sure has affected my view of religion overall.

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  6. There’s this song by Jack off Jill called “fear of dying” which, IMO, perfectly matches the feelings expressed in your blog post. If you don’t know it, you should look it up!!! If you do know it, rock out 😎😀❤💀

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      1. Me too. They’re one of my favourite bands. Part of why I love music so much is that it helps me feel not so alone, because someone else has made a song that I can relate to. Especially when they’re not your typical feelings xoxo

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  8. We experience those fears as a deficit of control, it is the unknown, and I think the common response is “not now” or “I’m not ready” as we have a sense of needing completion before departing. Well that’s one view, and one that I share. I love that saying that fear of the future robs us of living now. Thank you for sharing so transparently. Mine is the manner of my dying.

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  10. That is one of the best descriptions of the infamous “sense of foreshortened future” in PTSD I’ve seen. Also, well, it will probably be my next post, but at my eye doctor follow-up I just learned that, though the fix for last summer’s EDS-related vision loss is holding in the sense that I can still see to write, my eyes are still continually losing ability to focus together because collagen is kind of necessary for eyes to focus together. So, back again in a few months to do specialized testing to map this and then we determine if it requires surgery?! Not what I was hoping to hear. Ugh. EDS is awesome for playing right into that whole “foreshortened future” PTSD fear…

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  12. As you can tell by my tardiness, I am trying to catch up on my reading. LOL!
    I couldn’t agree with you more on this very subject. I’m not so much worrying about my own passing. I think I’m more worried if it will be a painful death. That of course, leads to feeling more anxious.
    One thing is certain, I sure as hell won’t miss being anxious, depressed, and feeling lost.
    I know I’m reading this a bit late, but I hope you don’t mind me reblogging this. I find that this is something that enters everyone’s mind from one time or another.

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