Obsessive Dark Fantasizing


The last few days have been rough. I’ve been dealing with dark, obsessive thoughts that I know aren’t healthy for me to dwell on. Dark thoughts of restlessness, dark thoughts of jealousy and resentment, dark thoughts about relationships and craving attention, and dark thoughts about life and death. Craving attention might not sound like such a bad thing, but the negative part is some of the twisted ways my brain comes up with to get it. Luckily, I don’t act on these dark thoughts, so I must have a good amount of self-control, but the obsessiveness of the thought patterns bother me.

I feel a little bit like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde at times (which I actually reread recently for the first time since childhood). There is a really good side to me, but there is definitely a dark side as well, and when that dark side becomes obsessive and stuck in a groove, the intensity of my thoughts and emotions can become a bit frightening to myself.

I’m not entirely sure what causes these bouts of dark fantasizing. The ocd? The C-PTSD? Mood disorder? The anxious/avoidant attachment style I developed from a dysfunctional family system?

Today I’ve been trying to stay busy in an attempt to distract myself and it has helped some, but my brain is like a boomerang that just keeps circling back around to the same place again and again. It is exhausting to be honest.

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Hi! I am an artist, author, and blogger who also happens to have Asperger’s Syndrome. I have won several awards and honors for my writings and artwork. I suffer from a few severe mental illness and chronic pain conditions (Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, Ehlers Danlos, Degenerative Disc Disease, etc.), which greatly affects my life and makes me want to advocate for others going through similar things. Other interests of mine include reading, writing, drawing, watching cartoons and movies, collecting toys, hanging out with my family, and annoying my 3 cats.

24 thoughts on “Obsessive Dark Fantasizing”

  1. I think this is a very natural element of the human condition. Biochemistry, psychology, trauma and situational stress add fuel onto the fire of course. But I want to assure you this happens to me too sometimes, probably more than I’d like.
    I’m also certain this darkness blows in like a storm for everyone else too, but most aren’t comfortable admitting to it. It’s healthy that you recognize it. As long as you don’t allow it to control you or consume you, knowing it happens and giving yourself permission is key. Its one of the less attractive side effects of humanity … I hear you and see you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your acknowledgement. Hopefully being honest and open like this is a good way to get some of that attention I feel I need right now, rather than being manipulative or dramatic like the darker side of me can be tempted to do. It makes me feel better when even people who don’t struggle as much with mental illness recognize the same emotional and mental struggles within themselves because it makes me feel less broken I suppose.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Neuroscience says 60,000 thoughts cross our consciousness each day. Siegel says negative thoughts are Velcro, positive Teflon.

    Right away a meandering mind will attach to more negative.

    PTSD has intrusive thoughts. I imagined thoughts were coming out of a Gatling gun, they were so many.

    Trauma brings fear and neurotransmitters, adrenaline and cortisol.

    We sense danger everywhere, even places where no danger exists.

    Fear and trauma drive the mind to create these terrifying thoughts.

    With ptsd we have terrible thought, scary thoughts.

    If you get lost trying to find out why, they will grow.

    Best path is to focus in the breath, then let them go.

    Distraction can help.

    Aerobic exercise is best for distracting and dissipating anxiety.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I suspect most or even all of the things you suggested could contribute to negative thoughts. When I was being treated for OCD, I was told that everyone has unpleasant thoughts; the difference between OCD and non-OCD is whether you get fixated on the thoughts. One thing that was suggested to me was thinking, “This is a thought and a thought can’t hurt me.”

    I really like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I’ve read it about half a dozen times. Somehow it really resonated with me, the idea of this repressed Victorian scientist letting lose his id. Not sure what that says about me…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I think OCD is a big part of it, especially the not being able to get off the same track part. I always liked all the old creepy/mystery classics. Every time I think of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde though, I can’t help but think of the Looney Tunes cartoon version either.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. Ironically enough, even when I was a believer I still had these issues and back then it was kind of even worse because it was compounded by the guilt I felt by “letting God down” by always struggling with such things. Now I don’t feel the guilt, but I still don’t like feeling caught in that spiral of negativity.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. God came to relieve our guilt. He took our guilt for us and gave us forgiveness for the asking. Love you, Sweetie.


  4. I haven’t posted this poem yet but I’ll paste it here for you Maranda, Have a good day…
    My night’s sleep was calm and sound
    Despite the deafening noise of echos lost a found
    I heard the midnight owl singing
    Replaying tunes, of last years bells ringing

    My blankets had not been disturbed
    As if my shadow had slept unperturbed
    And my mind had been emptied of yesterday’s wind burns
    Then my morning song whispered the words, “sunshine returns”

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I know when I’ve been really down the rabbit hole and in dark places, those thoughts seem to come quite easily and are hard to get away from. I’m sorry you’re struggling with all of this so much lately, I just hope the distractions can help and that you’re able to do things to rest and nourish your soul.. Sending hugs and lots of love, Maranda xx

    Liked by 1 person

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