My Sister Would Have Been 43 Today

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Today my sister would have turned 43 if she hadn’t prematurely ended her life around 8 years ago. I still miss her deeply. Part of me is glad she is out of pain, as she struggled horribly with mental illness, physical pain, and serious addiction issues, but most of me just wishes things would have been different. I don’t hold any real anger towards her final action, but there is a lot of sorrow and wondering exactly what was the final straw.

Has suicide ever touched your life personally? Have you lost a friend, family member, or other important person that way? If so, how do you deal with painful occasions like their birthdays/anniversaries/etc.?

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marandarussell

Hi! I am an artist, author, and blogger who also happens to have Asperger’s Syndrome. I have won several awards and honors for my writings and artwork. I suffer from a few severe mental illness and chronic pain conditions (Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, Ehlers Danlos, Degenerative Disc Disease, etc.), which greatly affects my life and makes me want to advocate for others going through similar things. Other interests of mine include reading, writing, drawing, watching cartoons and movies, collecting toys, hanging out with my family, and annoying my 3 cats.

37 thoughts on “My Sister Would Have Been 43 Today”

  3. I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your sister my friend. I have three sisters and two brothers. My oldest sister attempted suicide multiple times and I have as well. We have mental illness and addiction issues in our family. It’s a true blessing to be past that now in my own life. I say that I’m in remission from my CPTSD, yet it will always be there lurking in the background. I’ve been on a spiritual journey and fortunately had a major breakthrough just 8 months ago, an awakening. The 2 things that keep me going are retaining hope and faith are my 2 boys who are 18 and 14 now but were just 8 and 4 when I was hospitalized and in the thick of my issues. Also, my firm grip in hope and faith as I said….a belief in a higher power that I choose to call God. I believe in the power of our Universe. I communicate with spirit and if you follow my blog on here, I have often written about my Nana. She passed away almost 15 years ago now and is my guardian angel. She sends me signs and helps me in countless ways.
    I have worked in the recovery field and have unfortunately lost close friends to drug overdoses. I understand your pain and how it never truly goes away but we find an acceptance in it. I have taken DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) 3 times as an outpatient. We call it RA, radical acceptance. It’s something I work on daily. Some days are better than others but what I always know and believe is that no matter what my boys need me here. Thank you for sharing your experience and posting on this sensitive but super important topic. Suicide is at epidemic proportions these days. I’m thinking of you today and sending you love and peaceful vibes💜🙏

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    1. Thank you so much for your sweet, thoughtful response. I think part of the reason I don’t hold anger over my sister’s actions is because I too struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts, so I understand how someone could in a moment of weakness make a decision that they wouldn’t normally choose. I think the only thing I ever felt any anger over was that she left a 12-year-old son behind at the time of her death and that is hard to accept, although again, I realize that those in the grips of mental illness can’t see things like that clearly. I feel like I’ve accepted her death, but still feel sadness/sorrow, especially on occasions like this.

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      1. Of course you do and probably always will, we are human. It’s an ongoing ever continuous process. I can definitely understand your perspective due to her son, your nephew having to grow up without a mother. Thankfully he has you and the rest if your family for support and love. What I’ve come to understand is that life is so short and precious. Everything is temporary and like I said before ever shifting and changing. We must stay in the moment as much as possible. Being grateful for each of them because things can end abruptly. That’s why I think tragedy hits certain people harder than others, it’s a realization of our mortality. I don’t fear much these days. I have done a ton of inner work and I know that there is a beginning and end to everything. I strive to he the change I want to see in this world. Spread a little love and kindness. It doesn’t take much but a bit of patience with our fellow man. We are all in this together, we are all connected. Imagine if everybody did that…boom…what a truly wonderful world we would be all sharing in together😊🙏💜

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  6. Suicide has not touched my life(knock on wood) I do however feel some of your sorrow and the rose is beautiful. I suffer from mental illness and chronic pain, the thing that keeps me here is I’m terrified of dying. I’m sorry for your loss.

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  7. Firstly may I say sorry for your loss.
    My sister had mental illness, was abused and bullied most of her life. She tried several times to end her life. What finally ended my sister’s life was renal failure, my sister decided to stop going for treatment. On January 23rd it was four years

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  9. Personally, no. That said, I’ve worked with a lot of families who have lost loved ones because of suicide. I think the hardest question to answer is “Why.” Even if they know, it’s hard to sort out.

    Hang in there, and sorry for your loss.

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  10. I’m very sorry for your loss. One feels, oddly, responsible when it happens. “Why didn’t I see it?” There should be more formal training about the signs… Afterwards one learns… The hard way.
    My sister ended her own life too. 20 something years ago. We were very closed but I didn’t see it coming. Afterwards, yes, I understood the signs. I am now very cautious when people I know can be at risk… It’s all we can do…
    Now, the why? We shall never really know…
    I hope time has soothed you. It is the great Healer…
    take care
    Brian

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      1. Yes, 20/20. Thing is I read, afterwards, so now I know the signs. And I’m very careful when I see them. I think I probably saved a young girl from going the same path… One does what on can, right? 🙂

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  12. I lost one of my childhood best friends to suicide. My brother has attempted many times. My best friend has attempted as well. She called me right afterwards. It’s not easy. Some days I struggle more than others. The days I’m struggling, I write and post the suicide hotline number on my social media pages.

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    1. I’ve truly sorry that you have had suicide touch your life so many times. When someone is frequently suicidal, I think the dread and fear from that can almost be as bad as the actual loss if it happens. All of it is hard to deal with.

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  13. I’m so sorry, Maranda. I have come close to the edge myself, but I’ve not had anyone close to me end their life, for which I’m grateful. When I was 13, my closest friend at the time tried to kill herself. I was the one that physically put my hands in her mouth to get the pills out, and I’ll never forget that. That day was rather different, she said herself it was an attempt to tell others she was painfully unhappy (the so called ‘cry for attention’, though I don’t like that expression). In my adult life, I’ve known friends online who have been suicidal. In my job, I talked a few people back from the edge. For many though, the feelings and thoughts persevere; some do move past the hurt and what took them to the point of wanting to end it all, but I think for many at least some of that lingers.
    I think there must be a lot of wondering and what-ifs after suicide, even if part of you can understand or be glad that person is no longer in pain. Sending love and thinking of you  ♥

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  14. I don’t think I could find any words that would adequately express how sorry I am for your loss 💜 It’s definitely a tougher than most one.
    I’ve never lost a close family member like that…
    But I did lose a very close friend 3 years ago. It’s never got easier on special occasions. I do cry a little less though.
    Last month I lost friends to suicide – not very close ones, but still friends.
    I’m still struggling with that – and I know their final straws…. which were not things I could have helped with. But the feeling of failure is still there.
    I guess for me personally, it’s about just letting myself feel and taking one day at a time.
    Sending you a virtual hug x

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