My World Has Crashed

| marandarussell

I’m normally brutally honest with you guys, but sometimes that is hard when someone else’s privacy and reputation is involved, but I am deeply hurting today and must share that much at least. I feel like my entire world has been turned upside down in less than a day’s worth of time. I found out that many of the core beliefs I based my life on no longer seem to be true. My support system is in tatters. The person I thought I could trust most in the world has hurt me deeply. I am feeling worthless, alone, and like there is no hope left in my life right now.

I am not actively suicidal, but I almost wish I were. It would be easier. I wish I had somewhere to go. Someone to go to. But I don’t. I never thought this would happen and I definitely don’t feel prepared.

59 thoughts on “My World Has Crashed”

      2. Thank you ♥ I might once the worst calms down. Right now I don’t know what I’m doing. Just trying to make it through the day I guess. I wish the pandemic wasn’t a thing. I would honestly like to go see my psychiatrist in person or even do some outpatient day program at the hospital there, but with covid, I don’t believe they are doing that right now and I don’t want to be fully committed.

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      4. if I were you, I’d phone either psychiatrist or hospital and explain you need an appintment to talk to someone in person NOW, Covid or no Covid.

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  4. Stay strong Maranda, the world is a beasutiful place full of beautiful people. No matter how dark the storm it always passes offering beauty and hope. Your storm will pass, you just need to ride it out. Take care and stay safe. Your future self is depending on it.

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  8. My dear, I am sad to read this. Please know that even though it feels devastating for now, it will pass and hope is on tbe horizon. We never truly know how strong we are until being strong is all we have. You are a warrior my sister. I am always here, you can email me and I will respond 🙏 love to you ❤

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  11. Sorry. Betrayal cuts us the deepest.

    I have felt that cold steel slice through what trust I have left.

    It feels like out value system no longer applies

    Life is harsh for us

    I know the correct things to tell you about it’s not you, it is them but that has to wait til all that harm works it’s way out of us

    Our self worth is not touched by others behavior but sure feels like it

    Remember we are irrational when betrayal is near

    Betrayal wakes up all our abuse

    I Play defense

    No decisions, no long thinking marathons

    No judgments

    Well try to limit

    Good luck

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    1. I’m not suicidal, I promise that. I did contact my psychiatrist and got him to refer me to the intensive outpatient program (the alternative to being admitted), so I am trying to get some help for the overwhelmingness of it all.

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  14. ♡ Thank you for Courageously Sharing; in My Experience I Have been extremely Co-Dependent; now, at 50+ I AM Once Again Curious having Returned to The Purity of My Childlike State just like My GrandParents

    …♡♡♡…

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      1. ♡ In September 2015 I moved in to a large studio apartment which I qualified for because my psychiatric conditions excuse me from the workforce so I’m on Disability Welfare…bit by bit, baby steps I built MySelf a beautiful home over 5 years that I love bits and am very proud; in the meantime I continued my Mental Health Journey moving from “codependent” to cooperative which of course is not “easy”…yet now that I AM in cooperative state of mind I do prefer My Own Company, solitude; as there are so many folk who get on My Nerves distracting Me from Writing which, amongst many other benefits, is very therapeutic…so I Suggest that now YOU!!! Have Set YOUR!!! Intention please Take YOUR!!! Time…bit by bit, baby steps; don’t be surprised if The Manifestation of YOUR!!! Intention turns different to what YOU!!! Intended and Far Exceeds YOUR!! Expectations…also I found that Paying Attention to seemly irrelevant things helped me too; things like signs, synchronicities, sensing 6+ senses beyond our 5…essentially it’s etheric energy; hope this helps and good luck, We ARE ALL Here if YOU!!! Feel The Need for AN Active Listening Ear

        …♡♡♡…

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  17. Oh Maranda, I don’t know what to say. I obviously have no idea what’s happened and it’s none of my business, but I won’t sugar coat it and say ‘it’ll be okay’ because life doesn’t work that way. It can suck, big time. People can hurt you, people can walk out of your life like you meant nothing or do something that cuts you deeply and it can shock you to the core. But I will just say that whatever has happened is something you can come to terms with and deal with. You can handle it, but don’t rush yourself either. Feel whatever you’re feeling and reach out. We’re all here, we love you.  ♥
    Caz xxxx

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      1. WE LOVE YOU, Maranda!  ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

        I’m always here too, if ever you want to chat or rant or anything at all. Just drop me an email. No pressure, just want you to know. Hang in there. xxxxxx

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  19. Maranda, Sorry you are suffering. The fact that it hurts so much says that you are a loving and trusting person…and that is a good thing to be! That also means that you are capable of having a wonderful relationship with someone equally as trustworthy as yourself at some time in the future. The person who hurt you may never be capable of that. Take care of yourself. ❤ Better times surely lie ahead! ❤

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  20. Hugs. I don’t know what, exactly, has happened. But, I do know betrayal pretty well. I do know that feeling that the world has crashed and I just *can’t* anymore. (Both as result of betrayal and trauma.) I don’t really have any “it all gets better” easy answers. I mean, it has gotten better for me after those periods, and I have always put the world back together again. I have found a very small (like “one person” small) number of people I don’t believe would betray me. I believe you are strong enough to, as well. I believe you do deserve to rebuild your support system with someone who won’t destroy your world later. But, I also know that “it gets better” doesn’t make up for how bad it is *now*. And, that life isn’t an easy “there’s always a silver lining.” I don’t think you’ll look at this later as some sort of “rainbows only appear after a storm.” I don’t look at things that way for the worst things I’ve been through. They were shit then, and they remain shit to think about now. But, at least things haven’t *only* been shit.

    Some things – and, maybe, some people as sad as that is to say – are just awful. There isn’t really a silver lining or a moral to why bad things happen to good people. Other, that is than “there’s a lot broken in the world.” But, there are other things and other people that *aren’t* awful. There are support systems you can build that won’t break. And, in the end, better facing this *particular* world breaking alone than facing *the next one* with someone who will only make the *next* one worse. I’ve said this to myself for decades, and my world has broken enough I think I’ve empirically tested both versions and stand by that. You are strong enough to handle this, and it is better to know. It may seem like ignorance is bliss, but it isn’t. And, well, the *best* scenario for the next world breaking is facing it with someone who really won’t betray you. And, well, the worst is to face it with someone who will pull the rug out from under you while everything else is also breaking. I am so sorry this has happened, but I’m thinking of you and hoping that you see at least strangers on the internet care.

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  21. Did the person who hurt you deeply do so intentionally? Is there a chance that your perception of what happened is different than what that person delivered in the message (word or action)? Sometimes the people who we are the closest to have the ability to hurt us without realizing they’ve done so. I understand completely your clarification of not being actively suicidal. It’s a feeling of “I don’t want to die, but right now I don’t want to live”. I pray that you find resolution to the hurt you’ve been handed!

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    1. The person probably never meant for me to find out about what they were doing behind my back and lying about, so in that way, it wasn’t intentional, but that makes the hurt worse that I did find out about it all.

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  23. Omg…I hate that you know how gut wrenching that feels. I went through something similar, I’m guessing…about 2 years ago. I truly thought nothing could ever be worse. Unfortunately, I found out this past Sept….for me personally, there’s was something incredibly worse.
    Anyway, how you feel is definitely ranks right up there with losing a loved one. You may not be grieving a death but, grieving a relationship that had that deep a bond can be just as despairing.
    You’ll find your way in your own time, when you’re ready because you do have to grieve what you’ve lost. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Don’t allow anyone to tell you that you’re dwelling too long or that you need to get over it and move on…blah blah and more blah of that bs…. It takes time and everyone’s “time” through this is different. You just have to take it one day at a time. And some days you may have to take it hour by hour. I really hope so much that your person “time” through this gets better 💛

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    1. Thanks for the understanding and the encouragement. I am feeling better now and we have a plan to try to work through it with a therapist, but it will still be a long road to where we want to be. I never thought I’d be put in this position, but hopefully we can learn and grow from the situation and the future can become better regardless of what happens.

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  25. Maranda, I just found your blog and am so moved by your post. Reading the responses and your replies over the last entries, it sounds like you are dealing with your pain over this revelation. You have done a good thing by reaching out to your bloggers and virtual friends… I hope you have some people to talk with in your offline life. There are people who care about you, and I am now one.

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    1. Aw, thanks so much. Yeah, it has been an extremely rough time lately. Still working my way through it. All the support has truly helped me make it through so far. I welcome you to my blog and appreciate your kind introduction ♥

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