I’m Afraid for the Future Right Now

| marandarussell

I was tempted to just post a poem or something today, but I know some of you are worried about me after my last post and I could use your support right now, so I’m going to share what I’m comfortable sharing about what is going on.

Those of you who have followed me for a long time have figured out some of it I’m sure. I’ve mentioned enough times how my husband is my whole world and my main support system. So it will come as no surprise that we are having trouble right now. We are not separated or planning to divorce or anything like that, but my husband made some very foolish decisions lately that hurt me deeply, destroyed my ability to trust him fully, and have set us on a long road to relationship recovery.

He didn’t fully cheat (thank God), but his inability to deal with his feelings of depression/isolation, feeling drained at work, and overwhelmed at times by being a caretaker to someone with severe chronic illness (me), caused a perfect storm, and instead of handling it the right way by communicating with me or someone who could really help, he started acting out stupidly, doing things behind my back, and lying to me.

It isn’t even so much what he did that bothers me, but the lying and sneaking around. That has to change and end. He shows an immense amount of remorse, and I can tell it is genuine. We do plan to get help by doing couples counseling. Both of us can sometimes struggle with communication when it comes to anything that might cause confrontation or that we think might upset the other and I know we need to work on that to solve this.

At this point I’m cautiously optimistic. Trust is such a hard thing for me anyway because of my abusive past, and I fear I may never be able to get that back. I think that is what I’m most scared of. And if we can’t work through that, I don’t know what to do.

37 thoughts on “I’m Afraid for the Future Right Now”

      2. It sounds like he’s got a fair few issues to work through himself. It doesn’t help to say “it’s not you, it’s him”, even if it’s true, but it sounds like he’s fully aware of what he’s done and feels bad about it. That’s a good start, and I really do hope the counselling can help get you both back on a better track. I’m sure it won’t be easy but it should be worth it. Cautious optimism sounds wise. Keep some of that hope alive, Maranda. xx

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      1. What we feel resides in our subconscious which is in control maybe 95% of the time. Our true feelings are formed in large part by our expertise during the first 5-7 years of our lives and can haunt us through old age. That’s why books on self-help, medication, psychiatrists and whatever can help in the short term but don’t away stick.

        The subconscious runs through background programs of sort and can only be changed through changing these programs through habits, meditation, and other spiritual means!

        I ain’t no doctor or expert
        just a BS artist
        extraordinary as I dare!

        Truly lol

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      1. “Hope is a state of mind independent of the state of the world. If your heart’s full of hope, you can be persistent when you can’t be optimistic. You can keep the faith despite the evidence, knowing that only in so doing has the evidence any chance of changing. So while I’m not optimistic, I’m always very hopeful.”

        ― William Sloane Coffin

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  6. In a world gone mad with pandemic, divisive politics, violence, and natural disasters, we are all finding it difficult to cope. I hope you can come to empathize with whatever pressures caused your husband to behave dishonorably and forgive him. That is the easy part. Rebuilding trust is the hard part and will take time, but I think you are headed in the right direction. Having survived this experience, your relationship may be stronger than before. Take care. I wish you all the best, Maranda. ❤

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  8. It’s always the most painful when the person(s) we have trusted with the trueness of our heart and soul do something to bring us deep hurt. I wonder if, perhaps because hubby was your “whole world”, you’d somehow set him up an a pedestal? I suggest that because I had a situation where the pastor of our church out and out lied about visiting one of the members close to dying (I know, because it was my grandmother and I was at her bedside through all visiting hours on Saturday and Sunday, so he did NOT visit her that weekend as he told others). It took a very wise person to get it through my head that, at the core, we are all just mere humans and we are all sinners. Once I took him down off the pedestal, I still knew he’d lied, but it didn’t devastate me anymore.

    I’m glad you are going to go into counseling so that you can find a better way to communicate and you both can learn some better tools for handling frustration when it comes!

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    1. I don’t know if I had him up on a pedestal or not. I knew he had flaws and issues. I never thought he would do something this stupid though. I think if anything, I might have been putting too much pressure on him to “be my whole world” if you know what I mean. Maybe that isn’t a good thing.

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  10. to quote Alexander Pope: to err is human, to forgive is divine.
    I’m just pleased to hear the two of you are communicating and that you both want to work on your relationship.

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  11. Trust is a huge part of any relationship and in order to grow together that must be repaired. It sounds like he’s willing to do whatever it takes to achieve this and that’s awesome. I’ll keep the both of you in my prayers my dear. Remember, you are so special and loved ❤ Take care of yourself my friend 🙏

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  12. Hugs. I see you saying he didn’t “fully” cheat. Which maybe is a relief, and will help in the long run to geal. But, in the short run it risks invalidating yourself. Did it *feel* like cheating to you? Did it cross your boundaries? Than, it’s cheating. Maybe other people in other relationships would feel differently. But, this one is yours. Don’t sweep away or rationalize your own feelings because it “could be worse.” It can always be worse. But, right now, a big part of healing is going to be him owning that he “cheated” if he did things that count as cheating to you. And, he has to re-earn your trust the same as if he had “fully cheated.” Period. Trust is earned, and don’t let yourself accept less than him earning all of it because you convince yourself the betrayal could always have been worse. Betrayal for a trauma survivor is the worst possible thing, but we are so damn good – because of our legacy of the times it was even *worse* – at convincing ourselves anything not quite as bad as the worst we can envision isn’t really that bad. And, then we never let ourselves demand true accountability and trust. He violated your trust. He knows you well enough to know why and how he did. It is your right to choose to try to rebuild that trust, and it’s not wrong to want to try to do so. But, it’s also your right to refuse to rebuild halfway. You deserve whatever process you require to rebuild trust, and don’t let anyone else pressure you to accept less, okay?

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  15. One thing at a time. Go to group counseling. And work from there. Sometimes even though there are places to turn for help we run instead and by running I mean we do stupid things. Because we just want out of that mindset quickly. I am thinking of you. ❤️

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