Dragging Myself through Christmas

2 days until Christmas, and I don’t think I could feel less festive if I tried. I’m dragging myself through each day, not really wanting to get out of bed or do anything. I’ve tried to break the depressive funk by making myself go to a couple holiday events in the past week, but the deep sadness I feel will not be pushed away or covered for long.

I’m still dealing with a lot of hurt from recent events with my husband, and while we are working on healing and doing therapy, the wounds are deep, especially for a heart like mine that struggles to trust so much in the first place due to a long history of trauma and abuse. Sometimes I despair that I’ll never be able to truly trust again.

My heart aches. My body and mind are worn out. I feel little hope. I wish I could report better things.

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marandarussell

Hi! I am an artist, author, and blogger who also happens to have Asperger’s Syndrome. I have won several awards and honors for my writings and artwork. I suffer from a few severe mental illness and chronic pain conditions (Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, Ehlers Danlos, Degenerative Disc Disease, etc.), which greatly affects my life and makes me want to advocate for others going through similar things. Other interests of mine include reading, writing, drawing, watching cartoons and movies, collecting toys, hanging out with my family, and annoying my 3 cats.

28 thoughts on “Dragging Myself through Christmas”

  1. Oh Maranda, I wish there were something I could do. I won’t lie – Christmas can be a super shit time when you’re already feeling super shit. There aren’t any quick fixes but still, you deserve to enjoy whatever you can, even if it’s only a little of something. A good film or book, relaxing and doing whatever the heck you want. Just go easy on yourself. I’m always around if ever you want to talk, but no pressure. Sending lots of useless but well-meaning hugs your way  ♥
    Caz xx

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  2. Maranda, It is good that you are able to articulate your feelings. Depression during the holidays is very common, so you are not alone. Hopefully, you will soon feel better. I hope you and your husband can mend your relationship and rebuild trust. I think you are on the right track. Show empathy and concern for each other’s happiness. It takes time.

    Best wishes for a happier 2021! ❤

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  5. Miranda, I do understand so much . I know this feeling to well . I am doing the same . Just getting through. I am so sorry though that you are feeling this way. I have been reading and enjoying some herbal tea. Something to take the focus off and bring it in another direction. ❤️hugs to you. You will get through these days.

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  6. It seems almost trite to say anything very much. Except that I am sorry. There are no easy answers ~ or none that I have been able to find. I suppose the best bed remains the Buddhist way ~ abnegating the self. Great world ~ cheers god.

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  8. Thanks for a beautiful sharing….not everything is joyful in life….the most important thing is that you recognize what’s happening…..then you express & share….it’s a huge step….things takes time but subconsciously you’ve started the process to heal….much love ❤️

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  11. I can relate, there’s a big feeling of change this year for sure. I pray you can find some peace and joy, even for a few sacred moments. I’m always here to listen, just reach out through my contact page 😉Lots of love to you Maranda❤

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  12. This is a challenging time of year to be down. Everyone expects otherwise. I always find being pushed to be happy when I’m sad makes me sadder, grumpier, etc. Better to embrace where you are at and take the holidays gently. It’s okay to be blue when the world thinks you should be partying. Wishing you deep emotional healing.

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  13. Holidays can be a difficult time, especially if you are already dealing with hurtful issues and depression. I hope this new year sees some hope for you. I’m alone this holiday, but expect to have at least some phone calls. It’s not enough but will have to do. Take good care and keep writing it out.

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  14. Being able to recognise, understand and articulate the things that cause us pain is hard but does give us the basis for progress. Some things take longer to deal with than others and loss of trust is difficult to overcome, start by rebuilding your trust in your own feelings… I hope you can find some small moments of peace. Take care and take all the time you need.

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  17. How are you? Please know that Christ Jesus is your own hope. People are looking everywhere but to Him and wondering why they are not fulfilled. May I invite you to read your Bible, start with the New Testament and see just how much Christ loves you.

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