DEPRESSION CYCLE AGAIN

I’m really struggling with depression right now and have been for at least a few days. I honestly can’t remember exactly how long it has been because when I’m this depressed, days just run into one another and I don’t even have the motivation or desire to keep track.

I struggle to make myself do anything, but I try. I force myself to do my household chores, force myself to stick to my social media/blogging schedule, and even made myself get out and do things I normally enjoy, hoping it would help, but unfortunately, it hasn’t.

Right now I feel like I don’t care about anything, and I HATE that feeling, because I normally care so much. I really hate having depression/mood disorder/bipolar type 2 – whatever you want to call it. I wish I could just blink out of existence for a while and come back in a better frame of mind. If I was a drug/alcohol kind of girl, I would probably be turning to that for escape, but I guess it is lucky I’m not into that stuff.

My only consolation is knowing that at some point, it will pass, even if it feels right now like it won’t.

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marandarussell

Hi! I am an artist, author, and blogger who also happens to have Asperger’s Syndrome. I have won several awards and honors for my writings and artwork. I suffer from a few severe mental illness and chronic pain conditions (Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, Ehlers Danlos, Degenerative Disc Disease, etc.), which greatly affects my life and makes me want to advocate for others going through similar things. Other interests of mine include reading, writing, drawing, watching cartoons and movies, collecting toys, hanging out with my family, and annoying my 3 cats.

45 thoughts on “DEPRESSION CYCLE AGAIN”

  1. I am feeling sorry for this, Maranda! So when I’m down, I always listen to music. Somehow it works to be able to have clear thoughts again. Certainly, despondency is not to be equated with depression. Send the best wishes! Michael

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  2. I’m sorry to hear you are going through depression. I don’t know if you can get out to do simple things like walking, I just walk round the neighbourhood to get away from things, would that help. Is there a garden or a park nearby or birds singing.? I hope you start to come out of it soon, but I know it isn’t easy x keep safe, sending hugs x

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  7. 💜 It is The Dark Side of The “Force” Dear Sweet Maranda; here I AM, Done Depression, Articulated Anxiety, Pondered Paranoia and so on and so forth then Reached Out To Acceptance and Trust of The Light, WORKS FOR ME!!! ~ ‘Lost+’, “Success is Suicide…”

    …💛💚💙…

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  9. Oh Maranda, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what you’re going through exactly because only you know that, but I know what it’s like forcing yourself to do things hoping it’ll help. I have been so angry and frustrated lately which is a different side to depression where I used to feel nothing at all. I keep busy and force myself to do things because I’ve got so much to do and things won’t do themselves, but it doesn’t help. Either way you look at it, it seems like a tricky one to navigate. Maybe time is the only thing here, especially when considering some aspects are biochemical and it’s not something you can meditate or CBT your way out of. I wish I had something useful to say. I’ll send lots of love your way 💙 xxxxxxx

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  10. So sorry to hear you feel like this at the moment.
    As you say, its consolation knowing it will one day pass. Its just riding through it until it does. But not an easy ride as you know.

    For me, for difficult or dark times and I am having a lot of those, is dvd’s. My dvd’s are what helping me get through and switch off. And that’s when I am not sleeping.

    Dvd’s haven’t happened today, because of what I am having to contend with. But I have taken an annual leave at short notice in my evening job today, just so I could sit and do nothing. I just did not get a break today, until I did that.
    I am going in shower. I already feeling tired for over an hour now and I can see me going to bed at a much earlier time than usual of 8pm. If I can keep my eyes open until then.

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      3. A couple of my favorite “depressed songs” are “Day After Day” by Badfinger, “Nights in White Satin” by the Moody Blues, and “A Whiter Shade of Pale” by Procol Harum, and almost anything by Simon and Garfunkel. too.

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  13. Thank you for sharing, your transparency may help others learn more. I don’t really know what to do or say – I am listening, and I care that you are struggling. It is likely different for each person and invisible issues like depression are the hardest to understand based on my son. I appreciate you helping me to know better what you are facing. Best wishes sincerely.
    Allow me to share my understanding about dealing with tough days. When doing hemodialysis and the changes to my diet, energy etc I felt most wishes, hugs and so on had little impact. What really meant something to me is when people took the time to understand more about what effect on my life dialysis did. It seemed most people glossed over but a few special people sat with me for a whole 4 hours to see the needling, the bandages, and took the time to learn more. Those wonderful people understanding better meant more to me than the rest, I know I could be more understanding of them but it’s how I felt. – David

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    1. I can totally relate. Often some of what drives my depression even further is suffering and feeling like no one understands how it feels or what I actually go through. I feel the same way about chronic illnesses/chronic pain, especially when they look “invisible” to others.

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  15. So many of us know your struggles or ones very similar to them. I’m familiar with them enough to be saddened that it is happening to someone else; in truth, I would take your pain on me if I could because I’ve felt it before and am willing to rescue another from it in whatever way I can. I can only pray and send positive vibes that you find your way back out sooner than later!

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    1. Aw, thanks, that is really sweet of you to say. I wouldn’t want to give it to anyone though. I hate to see others suffer, and I don’t think I could take the guilt if I knew it was because of me!

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      1. Ah, yes, my friend, good old ‘guilt’. It was something my mother was good at giving out and something I also carry with me all the time. I describe it as “Guilt. The gift that keeps on giving.” Okay, here’s my compromise: I’ll take half of it on myself and we can commiserate together over a pint of our favorite ice cream!

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  16. Sending you some positive vibes Maranda. I know how it feels and been struggling with depression since 1995. I don’t know you just came across your blog today and look forward to reading more of your posts. Stay strong although it is difficult. Like you said this to shall pass. Big virtual hug to you🤗. Hope you feel better soon.💐

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  17. I feel you on this one, I’m just swinging out of a really dark stretch of road myself.
    I found this in an old journal though, it’s basically what you said at the ends but it’s got a little rhyme to it
    “Even though it’s hairy scary
    Remember that it’s temporary.”

    Brighter days will come, but in the meantime kudos to you for keeping up with life!

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  18. Pingback: DEPRESSION CYCLE AGAIN – Micklon Banji Foundation.

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