Why so serious
the clown asks,
eyes shut tight
light an artist’s
(This poem pretty much came to me fully written while in the bathtub, as sometimes happens lol. I had to jump out and grab a notebook and pen before I forgot it, leaving wet footprints in the carpet and water droplets on the page. My favorite line by far is “corpse fireworks”! Did you notice my subtle nod to Van Gogh as well? By the way, “The Dark Knight” is my favorite superhero movie of all time because of the great Joker performance!)
The past few days have not been the greatest. I’ve been both super anxious and fairly depressed. I guess it is probably what most people would call a mixed state in the bipolar community. I feel on edge all the time. My brain is constantly telling me something is wrong and that I need to fix it, but I don’t know what it is. The depression is telling me that I am worthless, no one really likes me anyway, and everything I do is pointless.
The depression is making me feel never good enough. It is times like these that no matter what I achieved, I would probably still feel a failure. If I suddenly won the Pulitzer Prize in poetry or had my art showcased at the Louvre, I would still find fault with it and myself in this particular mood. It is a hellish feeling.
This depression is interlaced with anxiety that pushes me to want to achieve, achieve, achieve right now, but in this state I am so all over the place that it is hard to concentrate on anything for long. Not to mention that the depression makes me feel like it is all futile anyhow, even as my whirling mind is telling me that I’m not trying hard enough.
All of this is heightening my chronic pain. I hurt so bad deep in my muscles, I feel like I have been tortured on the medieval rack.
Yesterday I got my newest Paradise Galleries reborn doll in the mail. These dolls are higher end baby dolls with limited number produced, but they are still mass produced, so they aren’t one-of-a-kind reborns. I chose this doll because I loved her face and the slightly sad expression she has (plus she has brown hair and blue eyes like me):
I named her Katerina (Kat for short). I bought this new Halloween outfit for her at Target recently and was waiting for her to arrive to try it on:
I know some people might think collecting dolls like this is a weird hobby for an adult, but I don’t care. It brings me happiness and it gives me an excuse to shop for all the cute little stuff in the baby section of the store, without all the hassle of actually taking care of a real baby lol. All the cuteness, none of the work!
I wrote this blog post 4 years ago, but I feel it is relevant today more than ever. As the income inequality and wealth gap continues to grow and more and more people fall into the lower classes, revolting against poverty is becoming more common and sometimes, more dangerous.
“The State Lottery Office (The Poor and Money)” watercolor painting by Vincent Van Gogh.
On social media and in real life, I hear a lot about how the poor “take advantage” of the system and how they “waste what they have” or are “just plain lazy”. Of course, these comments always seem to come from people who are at least close to middle class and have never once gone truly hungry, been homeless or lost everything they have through some cruel twist of fate. Having grown up in a mostly one-parent family that did accept government and charity assistance on occasion (even though my mother often worked MORE than full time), I see a different perspective.
I will admit that sometimes the things that the impoverished do may indeed contribute to their own problems, but often this is through ignorance or desperation. Often they make rash decisions based on immediate needs…
When he thought of death
(if he thought of it at all),
his mind took it to be
a burden of life,
for everyone knows
that this earthly shore
is terribly infected
with the miseries
of numberless mortals
who slowly died,
exhaling away hours
with each breathy
rise and fall
of those fragile lungs.
Have you ever had a relationship in your life, whether it be a family member, coworker, boss, neighbor, schoolmate, or other social acquaintance, who makes you feel like you need to prepare yourself for for battle every time you come in contact with them?
Perhaps they are masters of the subtle put-down, love to give sneaky guilt trips, always manage to make you feel inferior and “less than”, or simply bring out the worst in you, leaving you feeling regretful and exhausted after the encounter finally ends.
I have a meeting like this coming up soon and it has been stressing me out. While I was laying in bed a couple nights ago stressing about it, I suddenly realized how much effort I had to put into steeling myself before the encounter. I have to put on emotional and mental armor and make sure none of my weak spots are showing. I have to be strong and hide any reaction to their attempts to get to me while in their presence, otherwise it will only encourage them.
It made me sad to think that it has to be this way. It also made me realize why the whole experience causes me so much anxiety and exhaustion. Preparing for battle is exhausting!