Poetry – The Dead

The dead don't rise
like yeast
or dough
oh no
the dead rise
like a grumpy 
yeti
with nails clawing
and voice squalling
from the icy
pits of hell.

                                                                                             marandarussell.com

I’m Afraid for the Future Right Now

I was tempted to just post a poem or something today, but I know some of you are worried about me after my last post and I could use your support right now, so I’m going to share what I’m comfortable sharing about what is going on.

Those of you who have followed me for a long time have figured out some of it I’m sure. I’ve mentioned enough times how my husband is my whole world and my main support system. So it will come as no surprise that we are having trouble right now. We are not separated or planning to divorce or anything like that, but my husband made some very foolish decisions lately that hurt me deeply, destroyed my ability to trust him fully, and have set us on a long road to relationship recovery.

He didn’t fully cheat (thank God), but his inability to deal with his feelings of depression/isolation, feeling drained at work, and overwhelmed at times by being a caretaker to someone with severe chronic illness (me), caused a perfect storm, and instead of handling it the right way by communicating with me or someone who could really help, he started acting out stupidly, doing things behind my back, and lying to me.

It isn’t even so much what he did that bothers me, but the lying and sneaking around. That has to change and end. He shows an immense amount of remorse, and I can tell it is genuine. We do plan to get help by doing couples counseling. Both of us can sometimes struggle with communication when it comes to anything that might cause confrontation or that we think might upset the other and I know we need to work on that to solve this.

At this point I’m cautiously optimistic. Trust is such a hard thing for me anyway because of my abusive past, and I fear I may never be able to get that back. I think that is what I’m most scared of. And if we can’t work through that, I don’t know what to do.

My World Has Crashed

I’m normally brutally honest with you guys, but sometimes that is hard when someone else’s privacy and reputation is involved, but I am deeply hurting today and must share that much at least. I feel like my entire world has been turned upside down in less than a day’s worth of time. I found out that many of the core beliefs I based my life on no longer seem to be true. My support system is in tatters. The person I thought I could trust most in the world has hurt me deeply. I am feeling worthless, alone, and like there is no hope left in my life right now.

I am not actively suicidal, but I almost wish I were. It would be easier. I wish I had somewhere to go. Someone to go to. But I don’t. I never thought this would happen and I definitely don’t feel prepared.

Life Update – Health, Exciting News!

It’s been a minute since I just did a life update, so let’s take a minute to do so! I’ll break it up into categories for ease:

Physical health – Thank God, the Topamax increase seems to have helped the migraines quite a bit. They aren’t gone entirely, but have been much better lately. Still having some digestive issues, so I’m seeing the GI doctor soon. We suspect Gastroparesis or some other motility disorder might be at play. I’ve already been following a gastroparesis diet and it has been helping my symptoms, but we won’t know till I get a test obviously. That condition is really common with Ehlers Danlos though.

Mental health – Uh, all over the place. Anxiety like crazy. Kinda hyper. Hard to concentrate and focus…that one has been a real pain lately. Even getting stuff like this done isn’t easy. My brain wants to go in fifty million directions, none of them what they are supposed to be doing. Depression too, but kind of medium level. Like just the blahs. Apathetic. Need constant positive stimuli to not start feeling blah again, but that isn’t reality, is it?

My writing – Finally, some good news!!! First off, I was contacted by a music professor at Central Washington University in Washington state who wants to use one of my poems to set to music for a project she and her colleagues and a few students are working on. They will compose music for the poem (for instrument and voice) and then put together a concert music video for it (because covid and all I assume) and it will be released in April. Of course, I will be credited for my part in the project, and will share the video when I can.

Also, I just got an email today that the educational resources website Twinkl has chosen my blog to be one of their Top Autism Blogs of 2020! They get pretty high traffic on their site, so it is quite an honor and I’m psyched about it!