to worship the gods
and enjoy the conversation,
the elephant woman
round with love seed
and being courteous
as she is clever,
throws her low
to call forth the
across time and space.
(This poem was inspired by an excerpt from “The Kama Sutra of Vatsyayana”)
I’ve been kicked off Instagram now for about 3 days. Tomorrow is listed as the last day of my “punishment”, so I assume I will get to use my account again either tomorrow or the next day. So what did I do to get kicked off? I have no freaking clue.
The message they sent said something about giving a 3rd party access to my account to increase likes and follows, but I know damn well I didn’t give ANYONE access to the account but me. I couldn’t even afford to hire one of those companies that buys you followers if I wanted to lol.
It really is ironic, because I always thought that if I did get kicked off social media, it would probably be Facebook or Twitter, and it would be for criticizing the government. I have seen people get punished on social media for supposedly spreading “fake news” when what they were really doing was sharing proof of corruption in the government or expressing anti-war views. I could easily see that happening to me, but this?
I will say that this short suspension has made me realize how much social media has become a part of my daily routine. It has really thrown me off and caused anxiety because I can’t respond to comments, messages, or otherwise interact on IG.
If you want to follow a social media felon, look me up @marandarussell82 on Instagram!
Why so serious
the clown asks,
eyes shut tight
light an artist’s
(This poem pretty much came to me fully written while in the bathtub, as sometimes happens lol. I had to jump out and grab a notebook and pen before I forgot it, leaving wet footprints in the carpet and water droplets on the page. My favorite line by far is “corpse fireworks”! Did you notice my subtle nod to Van Gogh as well? By the way, “The Dark Knight” is my favorite superhero movie of all time because of the great Joker performance!)
The past few days have not been the greatest. I’ve been both super anxious and fairly depressed. I guess it is probably what most people would call a mixed state in the bipolar community. I feel on edge all the time. My brain is constantly telling me something is wrong and that I need to fix it, but I don’t know what it is. The depression is telling me that I am worthless, no one really likes me anyway, and everything I do is pointless.
The depression is making me feel never good enough. It is times like these that no matter what I achieved, I would probably still feel a failure. If I suddenly won the Pulitzer Prize in poetry or had my art showcased at the Louvre, I would still find fault with it and myself in this particular mood. It is a hellish feeling.
This depression is interlaced with anxiety that pushes me to want to achieve, achieve, achieve right now, but in this state I am so all over the place that it is hard to concentrate on anything for long. Not to mention that the depression makes me feel like it is all futile anyhow, even as my whirling mind is telling me that I’m not trying hard enough.
All of this is heightening my chronic pain. I hurt so bad deep in my muscles, I feel like I have been tortured on the medieval rack.
Yesterday I got my newest Paradise Galleries reborn doll in the mail. These dolls are higher end baby dolls with limited number produced, but they are still mass produced, so they aren’t one-of-a-kind reborns. I chose this doll because I loved her face and the slightly sad expression she has (plus she has brown hair and blue eyes like me):
I named her Katerina (Kat for short). I bought this new Halloween outfit for her at Target recently and was waiting for her to arrive to try it on:
I know some people might think collecting dolls like this is a weird hobby for an adult, but I don’t care. It brings me happiness and it gives me an excuse to shop for all the cute little stuff in the baby section of the store, without all the hassle of actually taking care of a real baby lol. All the cuteness, none of the work!
I wrote this blog post 4 years ago, but I feel it is relevant today more than ever. As the income inequality and wealth gap continues to grow and more and more people fall into the lower classes, revolting against poverty is becoming more common and sometimes, more dangerous.
“The State Lottery Office (The Poor and Money)” watercolor painting by Vincent Van Gogh.
On social media and in real life, I hear a lot about how the poor “take advantage” of the system and how they “waste what they have” or are “just plain lazy”. Of course, these comments always seem to come from people who are at least close to middle class and have never once gone truly hungry, been homeless or lost everything they have through some cruel twist of fate. Having grown up in a mostly one-parent family that did accept government and charity assistance on occasion (even though my mother often worked MORE than full time), I see a different perspective.
I will admit that sometimes the things that the impoverished do may indeed contribute to their own problems, but often this is through ignorance or desperation. Often they make rash decisions based on immediate needs…