Poetry: Sick or Dead

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(I created the following blackout poem from a random excerpt of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain)

Sick or Dead

What to do if a body
is sick or dead:

black crayons
black dress
black shovel
black veil
black tape
black slippers
black bird
black sealing wax
black hole

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Last Night was a Disaster

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That headline is not an exaggeration. First off, my MRIs went bad. I had MRIs for my brain and neck scheduled last night, both with and without contrast. I didn’t even get to the contrast part because the first part gave me a migraine, triggered severe neck pain, and gave me a major panic attack. I was almost sobbing by the time they got ready to give me the contrast, so they sent me home.

I left feeling embarrassed for not being able to keep myself from crying in public yet again. I also felt feelings of failure as I couldn’t do something as simple as completing two MRIs. Now I have to contact the neurologist that ordered the tests and tell him I wasn’t able to make it through and see if he wants to make separate orders for the contrast part. So, I might have to go through it again soon.

Also, we ate at a local restaurant yesterday that served me some bloody chicken. I didn’t notice right away because the blood pooled beneath the chicken breast. Anyhow, last night I got really sick and had to sleep with a trashcan beside me. I took both Mylanta and Zofran and nothing helped the nausea. I suspect I might have gotten a little bit of food poisoning from the underdone chicken.

At least I’m not fighting down vomit anymore, but still feeling nauseated and sick. Understandably, all this has made my mood rather blah too. I just want to huddle under the covers and hide from reality right now.

Dark Obsessions and MRI’s

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Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist. We spent a lot of time talking about the dark, morbid interests I have and whether those might be contributing to my depression and anxiety. I’ve always been drawn to studying the dark side of things, whether it be the occult, serial killers, suicide, the dark side of history, horror movies and books, or psychopaths. I know these interests may not be the best things for my mental state, but they are all things that fascinate me and it is hard for me to resist things that fascinate me.

At one point in the conversation, my psychiatrist asked if there were any happy interests I have. I told him I love cartoons, but then I told him one of my favorite cartoon movies is Anastasia, which he pointed out is about the mass murder of the royal family lol, so maybe not so happy after all.

Today I have an MRI scheduled on my head and neck to try to figure out what might be causing my recent migraines. I’m really not looking forward to it. I hate MRI’s, especially on the head and neck because I feel really claustrophobic and hate not being able to move for so long.

1,000 Blog Followers!!! Thank You!

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I finally passed the 1k mark for blog followers! Thank you so much to everyone who has supported my efforts and made my life more full and rich! You guys have no idea how much you help my mood and keep me going! If it weren’t for the encouragement I get for my poetry and art on here, I’m not sure I would create as much of it as I do.

THANK YOU!!!! Love you all ♥

Another Inflammatory Flare Up and False Hope

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The past few days have been rough. My back went out again, so my upper back and neck have been causing extreme pain again. I think the gluten free diet isn’t really helping much, as all the things I thought it was helping have suddenly flared up the last couple weeks. My GERD has been awful to the point I’ve had trouble swallowing again, the night sweats are back, and I seem to be having a widespread inflammation flare-up again.

I know I shouldn’t have put so much hope on the diet to solve all these issues, but I feel like I’m so desperate for something to make me better that I often put high expectations on each new treatment idea, hoping it will be “the one”. Of course, I probably need to accept that since I have Ehlers Danlos (a genetic connective tissue disorder), that nothing is probably going to be that cure-all I have been hoping to find.

How I wish that there was a cure to whatever is going on inside me. I often long for one of those scanners like they have on Star Trek that could easily pinpoint exactly what is going on and what the treatment should be without being invasive. I guess I was born too early for that. We might be headed that way technologically, but it is probably well off on the horizon.

I Want to Feature YOUR Art!

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Hello there! For a while I have been wanting to feature artwork by other artists, especially other outsider artists, here on my blog. First choice of artists would go to those who have autism, other disabilities (physical or mental), or are self-taught. I want to let the art speak for itself, as I normally do for my own art, so here is what I would need if you want to be featured and how to submit it:

  • Up to 3 photos of your favorite or recent artworks you have created (good quality, high resolution photos preferred). Please include the name of each artwork, what medium was used to create it, and size if applicable.
  • I don’t necessarily want to do whole interviews, as I want the art to be center stage, but if you wish to share if you are neurodivergent, self-taught, or suffer from one or more disabilities, feel free to notify me of that. You can also share a couple links where people can follow you or find more of your art.
  • Email all this to Shojobeatgirl@live.com, with subject headline: Blog Art Feature.

I’m not sure how much response I will get to this offer, so it may take a while to be featured if I get a lot of entries. I hope to share a new artist every week or so.

Feel free to ask if you have any questions.