Subconscious Sexual Abuse Dreams?

Although I was exposed to sexual content at a very young age and my parents shared WAY too much of their sex life details with me as a kid, I always considered myself lucky that at least I wasn’t touched or molested by anyone.

However, over the years (more so in the past than currently) I’ve had multiple nightmares about a couple of my relatives molesting me. I have no conscious memory of this ever happening, so if it did actually happen, it was obviously when I was too young to remember or my mind has blocked it from my memory. Either way, I’m glad of that safeguard if anything actually did happen, because I don’t think I’d want to remember it in detail.

The reason I’m sharing this today is just to ask if anyone else has ever had recurring nightmares about a relative sexually abusing them. Is this normal? Should I just shake it off as some kind of weird paranoia? There was definitely a lack of boundaries and privacy in my home growing up. Perhaps that triggers exaggerated dreams like this? I’m not sure, but I was just wondering if anyone else has ever experienced anything like this.

Vacation Cancelled :(

Today is a bummer. My husband and I were supposed to go to Buffalo, NY for spring break starting today, but I’ve got an awful ear infection and don’t feel up to going, so we had to cancel. I’m taking both antibiotic ear drops and oral antibiotics, but it is still hurting a lot. Earaches are probably one of the worst aches, up there with a bad toothache.

So now I’m bored, in pain, stuck at home, and kind of cranky too. I guess at least I have you guys to talk to lol. Thanks for listening to my little rant. Anyone got any weird, fun trivia, jokes, or funny personal stories you want to share? I could use a laugh.

Stressful and Emotional Week

This has been a stressful and emotional week. My husband and I had marriage counseling early in the week, which is helpful, but always makes me emotional and kind of depressed (depressed because we even need marriage counseling in the first place). Then my husband started a 12 step support group to work on some of the acting out behaviors he struggles with. I’m glad he started the group, I think it will be good for him and he could use the friendship and accountability partners, but I was also kind of bummed because his support group gets to meet in person and I desperately wish I could find a support group for me that meets in person.

I feel like I’m dying for that face to face interaction, but the only support groups I could find for me only meet online for right now and it looks like it will be that way until at least September because of the rules of the church where they normally met before Covid. I’m still going to try to be a part of it, but it just isn’t the same. Part of me is jealous that my husband gets that in-person attention and I can’t.

On top of that, my husband and I had a fight yesterday (or more accurately, I had an emotional meltdown and he sort of closed up, not knowing how to respond). The argument was about the trip we are taking to Buffalo, NY next week and about him making plans for it that I didn’t agree to and wouldn’t like so that he could visit an old friend. More than anything, I was just upset that I felt like he didn’t even think about how any of it would affect me or make the trip harder for me.

I’m feeling like an emotional wreck.

Dreary Day for a Dreary Mood

It’s a dreary day here. The fog is so thick, I can’t see past our nearest neighbors’ houses. It kind of matches my mood inside. Feeling sluggish, depressed, and exhausted.

I’ve been having crazy dreams at night, which are leaving me feeling like I haven’t slept. Last night I dreamed that Trump died, but I was surrounded by Trumpers when I got the news and their grief and anger was so overwhelming, I had to pretend to be heartbroken too or I was afraid they would hurt me.

A couple nights ago, I had the EXACT same dream at least three times in a row, even waking up at the exact same moment. That dream was about some weird plot to invite everyone around to this huge mansion or castle-like building and then kill them all off one by one until only the mastermind behind the plot was left. Each time it got down to only the one guy left, I would wake up. It was strange because I wasn’t really in the dream either, it was more like I was watching it unfold from a viewing point, like watching a movie or something.

I’ve also been struggling a lot with insecurity in my relationship with my husband. He is doing everything he can to show me that he is sorry for hurting me in the past and is working on fixing his own emotional issues, but I still feel insecure and scared at times that he will somehow undo the progress he has made and go back to old habits.

My Uncle Passed Away

My uncle did pass away, so tomorrow we are heading for Indiana for the viewing, and then the funeral is on Saturday, at the church he pastored for many years. Feeling sad about it all. I’ve glad he isn’t in pain and won’t suffer anymore, but I’ll miss him. The whole week has felt rather dark and overshadowed by the loss, so my mental health has been struggling a bit. I’m trying to make sure to do fun things and fill my life with activity so I don’t get pulled down too far into a depression, but it has been rough.

When you have experienced times of loss and grief, how do you cope? Do you have any specific suggestions that help you keep a positive frame of mind through the sadness? I am allowing myself to feel the sadness, but I don’t want to get swept away by it too much and end up in a dark depression, as that has definitely happened in the past when I experienced the loss of loved ones.

My Uncle is Dying

I’ve been really sad this week. Depressed too. I found out my great uncle is dying and has been put on hospice care. He has overcome a lot this past year, he had a stroke and then got Covid and developed pneumonia, but he recovered from both better than expected, but now he has some kind of heart/blood issue that they say can’t be fixed because he is simply too weak to survive any kind of surgery to correct the issue. Sadly, they can’t even grant his wish to go back home and pass away there, as he is in a lot of pain and they feel the IV pain relief drugs are necessary for his comfort since he doesn’t respond well to the pill form.

I have always had a special relationship with him. I spent quite a bit of time with him as a kid growing up. When we moved away when I was 12, he faithfully wrote me letters for years, letters that helped me through very rough times in my teenage life. I even chose him to marry my husband and I as he was an ordained minister. He was definitely the best example I had of Christianity in my life, and even though I’m not an evangelical Christian anymore, I still greatly respect the example he set of being kind and loving.

I don’t want him to suffer, and we have been worried about his quality of life ever since the stroke, but it is still hard to say goodbye. And so, I’m sad.

This Winter Storm Sucks

Man, all this snow is getting me down. I haven’t been able to go out for days and am feeling a bit of cabin fever and depression. My husband (a teacher) has worked 1 day in a week and a half because school is being cancelled pretty much every day. Our roads here are pretty bad. Not Texas bad, but not good either by any stretch of the imagination.

I feel bad complaining about the weather here in Ohio, when I see all the suffering going on in Texas, but it still sucks that we are getting more and more snow, over a foot already and counting. I know Texas’s problems are not really due to the weather but more to the fact that they have their own power grid to avoid federal regulations, and some of those regulations they ignore are to help protect against cold weather like this. So their infrastructure failed. Goes to show yet again that putting profit above all and doing all you can to avoid regulations comes back to bite you in the ass eventually 😦 I still hope power is restored soon though because there are a lot of vulnerable people paying for Texas’s political mistakes.

How are you and your family doing during this winter storm? Has it affected you at all? If you are in Texas, how are things going there? I hope you are staying safe and helping each other if needed.

My First Weighted Blanket

This is the blanket I got. The pink is soothing too 🙂

I got my first weighted blanket today, and I have to say, I am loving it! It really is comforting and helpful to anxiety. It makes the chronic muscle aches of fibromyalgia feel a bit better too. I started with a 10 pound blanket, because I could barely lift the 15 or 20 pound ones without throwing my back out lol. Plus, I have always been one that likes a lighter touch rather than a super heavy touch, even with massage and things like that.

I think the 10 pound blanket will be perfect for anxiety attacks, but I might get a little lighter one (6 pound maybe) for daily use, just to sit around with while I work and such. These blankets might really be a game changer for me though! I can feel it already!

If you have anxiety or chronic pain, you might want to look into them if you haven’t already! Of course, they are great for autism too, which was another plus for me. I would also recommend the ones that come with the sherpa fleece covers! They are so soft and cozy!!!

Sickly Week

It’s been a sickly couple weeks in our house. My husband came home sick from work last Thursday with what we thought was a normal stomach bug. However, when it lasted longer than 5 days, we started to think it wasn’t your average norovirus.

We even ended up taking him to the ER because the diarrhea and abdominal pain got so bad. That was quite an experience as I wasn’t allowed in the hospital as a guest due to covid restrictions, so I spent 3 hours in the car waiting for him to be treated. Luckily, the heater in our car works just fine, or I would have frozen.

Eventually, we started to wonder if he might have covid. There is a significant amount of covid patients who primarily or even only get gastrointestinal symptoms according to various studies, and Steve had all the symptoms of that. These covid gastrointestinal symptoms tend to last longer than the 1 to 3 day window of an average stomach virus. Also, just a couple weeks ago, one of the students in my husband’s class at school tested positive for covid (as did his entire family), so he had been exposed.

Yesterday we went to get the covid test done. Waiting to see what the results say. Unfortunately, the past 48 hours, I’ve started exhibiting the same symptoms he has had for over a week 😦 I’m not feeling good and it sucks.