A Few Random Life Thoughts/Happenings

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  • The grief from losing my kitty is starting to ease a little bit. Still a big loss, but I’m trying to focus on the future and how to bring more good things into my life right now because it feels like I could really use some good things.
  • Tonight I’m attending a poetry class at the library. The idea of the class is to use everyday castoff materials (like old ads, receipts, junk mail, etc.) as inspiration to create poetry. Thought it sounded fun and I could use the social connections right now.
  • I’m seriously thinking about auditioning for a part in a local theatre production soon. It makes me nervous as I haven’t done anything like that since school, but I feel I need to grow and add a little excitement to my life. I don’t even want a big role or anything, I just want to be a part of something fun and creative.
  • Just a thought, but I noticed something recently I wanted to share. It seems to me that when people share their darker thoughts and feelings straight out in essay form, prose, or spoken word, they are often sort of subtly shamed and told to cheer up in one way or another, which I find interesting, because when those same dark thoughts/feelings are shared in artistic forms like poetry/art, I’ve never seen people react in the same way by telling them to simply focus on the positive or cheer up. It makes me think that our darker thoughts and feelings are only really acceptable to many when slightly masked in some sort of art form. Why is that?

Reasons I’m Depressed Right Now

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  • My cat will die tomorrow. After 14+ years together.
  • A meetup group that I was truly enjoying and was beginning to feel part of disbanded for the foreseeable future.
  • I feel artistically lonely. I wish I had others in my “real” life who had the passion for art and literature (especially poetry) that I have.
  • There is a good chance I am going through early menopause and that is triggering my major increase in migraines and making my hormone levels go crazy, affecting my mood as well. The doctor says this could go on for years 😦
  • I have been fighting off migraines the last few days.
  • I wish I had someone to watch movies and tv shows with that really got into them like I do. My husband is just not a movie/tv guy.
  • There will always be a huge hole in my life where my family should be, as all of my immediate family members are dead other than my mother, who I have a shaky relationship with.
  • Climate change catastrophe and human ignorance. The realization that if scientists are right about climate change, we are likely causing our own extinction, as well as the extinction of much of life on earth. It is pretty much too late now and we humans are not willing to make the changes needed to save ourselves and the world even if there was time. In the end, industrialization may have been the absolute worst thing that could have happened to the world. I guess we can hope the scientists are wrong, but it isn’t looking good from what I see.

Holidays, Routine Changes, and Anxiety

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Been feeling stressed. I don’t know if it is because I am autistic or just part of my personality, but even the smallest changes to my routine tend to throw me off and cause a lot of anxiety…and the holidays seem to be filled with those kinds of routine manglers.

For instance, tonight I have a friend’s Yule party to go to and tomorrow I am supposed to meet my mom for an early Christmas dinner/present exchange. Part of me is looking forward to these events and even wants to go, but part of me is stressed out and just wants to go back to bed and hide under the covers until the weekend is over.

All the anxiety takes a physical toll too. It turns my tummy into a wreck and brings on headaches that can easily slip into migraines if I’m not careful. The anxiety last night about the events this weekend was so bad that it did give me a migraine, so I had to take my migraine prescription. Hoping that won’t happen again.

I often tend to think depression is worse than anxiety because its symptoms are more obvious and immediate, but I think I underestimate the compounding ability of high anxiety.

Drawing My Mood

Feeling like this little guy today. Things still not going well with my sick kitty. Feeling sad and overwhelmed. Wishing it wasn’t the holidays when I have family/social responsibilities pressing down on me too. On the plus side, I have been selling a lot of my art and books, but hard to feel too celebratory. Your kind comments and care have helped though. Please know that.

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My Baby is Dying

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My baby kitty Spyder is dying. I’m pretty sure of it now. We’ve ruled out pretty much everything but cancer or autoimmune disease, with cancer looking most likely. He hasn’t eaten for 3 days now and is getting weaker and weaker. We’ve tried everything we know. Spent well over $1,000 to try to get him well in the past month.

He is around 14 years old, so at least he has lived a good length of life for a cat, but my heart is breaking. About 3 days ago it is almost as if he suddenly decided it was time to prepare to die. Since then, he has refused to eat, wants to hide away and sleep, and gets weaker every day. He does not seem to be in pain, except when he has to go to the bathroom and try to get stool out. Luckily, that isn’t happening often as he has very little to expel.

Our only other options at this point would be a feeding tube, and if he does indeed have cancer, I don’t want to just prolong his suffering and death. I know we couldn’t afford all the treatment that would require, nor would I want to put him through all that. Spyder is a quiet, shy cat and I know he would rather go at home quietly. He is one of the sweetest cats I have ever known. Knowing him has been an honor.

Spyder got his name from a dream of mine. Right before he showed up in our lives, I had a dream that I had a baby of my own and named it Spyder for some reason. So, when we got this kitty soon after, I figured it was fate and gave him the name from my dream. He indeed became my baby. The kitty that I was closest to. The one who pulled my heartstrings hardest for some reason. I am hurting.

Depression Again

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Been really fighting off a depression slump again, and I’m losing. Today I slept in until after noon – that is often one of the first signs that the depression is getting real. The longer and later I sleep in often correlates directly to a diminishing mood.

You may ask if there is something triggering this slump. The holidays often seem to be related to the issue. Last night I had a dream about revisiting the house my dad died in when I was 12, I’m sure that might have something to do with it – approaching the holidays and thinking of all the family losses again.

My cat, Spyder, really has me down too. He has been sick for over a month now. We’ve spent a ridiculous amount of money on 3 vet visits, 3 rounds of antibiotics, special diet foods, and medical tests – all to be no closer to a real answer about what is wrong and with him not getting any better, at least not for long. He’ll get a little better on the antibiotics, but once they stop, he quickly gets sick again. Yesterday and today he hasn’t even been eating and just sleeps all day.

Feeling pretty low and hopeless at the moment.

Poetry – Sylvia Plath Reincarnated

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I fear I may be
the unfortunate reincarnation
of Sylvia Plath.

Born fifty years to the day
from her initial entrance,
I draw the parallels
between our lives –
lines that connect
far more than astrology.

Both of us poets,
wordsmiths
living through our literary confessions.
Desperate to be taken seriously –
a gift freely granted
to the masculine,
but almost impossible to achieve
with a soft voice and gentle hands.

Both with daddy complexes
due to the abandonment
of an early death,
we seek that missing link
in other men
(some more worthwhile
than others).

Our final connection results
in a morbidly strengthened bond –
a certain disregard
for our own lives.

We dream of being free
from this earthly game,
but lack the forbearance
for a lengthy battle.
Instead, we choose to dream of release –
and in our darker moments,
even plan it.

Stressful Week – Sick Kitty & CFS Flare Up

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Our poor, sick kitty Spyder.

This week has been stressful. First off, I have a sick kitty that has recently cost us over $700 in vet bills (for severe diarrhea) and even after spending all that money and giving him antibiotics and treating him for parasites just in case, he isn’t any better. The clean up hasn’t been any fun at all either.

I’m not sure if he is not any better because something else is wrong with him or because we had a hell of a time getting him to eat the food with his medicine in it. I don’t know how much of the medicine he even got down. He has a follow up with the vet this Friday, so we’ll see what they say. Maybe they’ll give us another way to give him the meds or run more tests to see what is going on. Either way, more $.

I have also been struggling with exhaustion, full body achiness, and general malaise since our trip on my birthday near the end of October. My CFS/ME is flaring big time. Chronic fatigue syndrome sucks and the name is misleading, because it is so much more than fatigue. It is more like the worst flu that keeps on going and going and coming back again and again.

Wish I had better things to report, but that’s the truth, and I always try to be honest with you all.