I didn’t really have a good idea for a blog post today, so here are a few random little bits of prose from my journal that I like and thought I’d share:
I want to cause chaos. I want the entire world to feel the insecurities and fragility that creates the glass enclosure I dare not shake or shatter.
I lean towards darkness, but not cruelty or evil. The comforting dark. The mysterious dark. The exciting dark. The natural dark. The darkness inside is strong, but it need not be frightening.
I believe in justice, in fairness, in self protection, and in reflecting negativity back to its source, but I do not believe in malevolence.
I should have been a whore when I was younger. I was a good girl – I ran from impropriety. I feared intimacy. I swam in self-doubt and self-consciousness. I was afraid to be sexual. I was afraid to be sensual. I was afraid to be attractive.
I’ve been having a great time making TikToks lately lol (follow me on there, @marandarussell2). I find it is a platform where I can just be creative and have fun and not worry about gaining enough followers, advertising, trying to promote my art or writing, etc. It is great to have an outlet that is purely for entertainment and not a cause of stress. The short length of the videos makes it easier to do them when I only have a spare minute or two.
I figured I would share a couple of my recent TikTok vids here today. First, we have a creepy one:
And here is a cute one:
Man, WordPress got my hopes up today and then just dashed them. I came to my blog site as I normally do and saw this on the side panel:
8,974 followers??? Yesterday I had around 1,700!!! Of course, after the elation swept through me, my common sense kicked in and I wondered how I could have possibly gotten over 7k followers in one day, especially when my other numbers (post likes, comments, etc.) look about the same. So I checked my blog stats page and I’m still at between 1,700-1,800 followers. Oh well.
Thanks for the heart attack WordPress…and the letdown.
Last night I was talking to someone online when my memory was sparked about an amusing email letter I sent years ago to Wright Patterson Air Force Base, located here in Dayton. The letter was semi-serious and semi-trolling I suppose. I wanted it to be ridiculously humorous and maybe make the office staff who ended up reading it chuckle, but I was serious about the fact that I have always had an interest in the topic of aliens.
To my surprise, I found that I still had the email letter in my archive, so I thought I would share it now, just for laughs. Here is what I actually wrote and sent to the Air Force question box years ago lol:
“Hello! I know this might sound kind of like a joke, but it really isn’t. I’ve always been interested in aliens, UFO’s, and other paranormal stuff, and I hear you probably have aliens and/or UFO spacecrafts hidden on your base in underground tunnels or hangars or whatever.
I wanted to offer my services if you could use them in regards to your alien research/projects. I would prefer to work with greys I think (I hear they are the more intellectual and non-violent of the known alien species). Reptilians seem a bit hardcore.
I’m not sure what I could actually do to help, but maybe there is something? Perhaps I might be able to understand or relate to them since I myself am an RH Negative blood type and there seems to be some belief that we may be descended from aliens ourselves.
Also, I have been diagnosed with high-functioning autism, which some people think is some alien-related kind of human evolution. I don’t really like people much, so am great at keeping secrets.”
I never did get an official response, but I’m sure this probably got me put onto several lists…
Maybe I should contact Trump’s new Space Force?
I’ve had a TikTok account for a while, but never shared it because I only used the account to watch other people’s TikTok videos and hadn’t posted any of my own. However, recently I decided to start making some silly videos just for fun. I’m not the best dancer, so I’ve had to be creative to come up with other ideas for vids lol.
Anyway, my account username is @marandarussell2, so if you are on TikTok, feel free to follow me there and let me know what you think of my silly videos!
So I had an awesome dream last night. It was super weird, but cool, kind of like a sci fi/fantasy movie or something.
In the dream I was attending this school that looked a lot like a Catholic school, but it was for entities that had supernatural powers of some sort or another. I was a dark, mysterious looking young man in the dream and my power was the ability to kill anything with a simple thought or intention (call me Lord of Death)!
In the dream I somehow got into a battle with several others who had powers. I remember specifically a female spirit that had the gift of immortality, if she touched you, you couldn’t die, and of course, she herself wouldn’t die (I tried killing her in the dream but let’s just say it didn’t stick).
There was also another being that fought by consuming his enemies in hellfire. That didn’t feel so good when directed at me, but I survived it.
At some point in the dream, the immortal female and another female ended up fighting to be my love interest, which is kind of interesting since I had tried killing the one woman already and failed. They ended up killing each other if I remember right, although the immortal one obviously didn’t stay dead. I guess she ended up winning, but I was pissed at her for killing the other female, so that cast a shadow on any relationship we could have.
I hope this doesn’t just sound like insane raving lol. Maybe you had to be there to get the full experience 🙂
To be honest, I’m feeling pretty damn shitty today. Bad mood all over. I also can’t seem to do anything right today. I’ve knocked half the shit I tried to pick up or handle on the floor today.
Feeling unloved, unlovable, and like everything is ultimately pointless and I don’t even like my own company when I am in this kind of mood 😦
Man, I feel lousy. I think the only way I’d feel much worse is if there were two of me.
Sometimes I really hate being bipolar or whatever the fuck is wrong with me.
Hi everyone! So, I had a nice week off from blogging. I needed the break to give myself some time to relax and focus on other things.
While I was away I asked myself some hard questions. Do I still enjoy blogging? Why was blogging stressing me out so much? Should I change some of my blogging habits?
I came to the conclusion that while I do still enjoy blogging, my “routine” related to blogging was wearing on me. By routine, I mean the OCD things I felt like I “had” to do every day. You see, I had gotten into a pattern where I actually spent more time trying to keep up with everyone’s else’s blogs than I spent on my own blog work!
Don’t get me wrong, I love supporting other bloggers. But I would often put unrealistic expectations on myself for how many blog posts by other people I needed to read, like, and comment on. It had become a habit and like the autistic person I am, once a habit is established, it can quickly become a taskmaster.
From now on, I’m going to try to change that habit. I will still support other bloggers (especially those who support me), but I’m not going to assign myself quotas! Honestly, some people I supported regularly I never hear from anyway lol. I’m ok with that, but why stress myself out for people I don’t even really communicate with?
Maybe you all can give me your insights and methods for supporting others. Do you mainly try to return comments/likes? Do you try to keep up with too many other bloggers like I was doing?
(Want to help support this blog?)
This is just a short note to let all my blog readers know that I need to take a break for a week or so. I’m feeling a bit burned out and things are stressful in my personal life right now (I had to take my husband to the ER yesterday because his back gave out entirely, it sucked to have to do so with the fear of the pandemic going on!)
So, if you notice I’m not posting, don’t worry, I’ll be back 🙂 If you believe in prayer or good vibes or anything like that, feel free to send them my way. I need all the help I can get right now lol.