Poetry – Killing My Cat

82575000_160194705303004_4356509637571248128_n
Monday appointment
3pm
$41 for the medicine of death
$90 to turn you to ash
cancer is no
respecter
of species

Spyder,
what would you say
if you knew
what was coming?

The question haunts me
and you aren’t even
dead yet

Suicidal Thoughts – To Share or Not To Share

82038267_2580748268837113_6121868992979140608_n

I’ve been having suicidal thoughts the past couple days. I’ve been horribly depressed, feeling alienated and isolated, and wondering what in the hell I’m doing with my life. So pretty much, same old, same old – at least for a deeply depressed state.

Although I often have suicidal thoughts in this state, they are not accompanied with an actual plan and the will to act on them – at least not yet. I think my life would have to be in full free-fall for me to actually consider acting on these feelings. To this day, although I have fantasized and thought about my own death many, many times, I have never actually attempted suicide.

One doctor said these were passive suicidal thoughts, and I agree. In this mood, I think of all kinds of ways I could die – both accidental and otherwise, but I don’t take it further.

So now that I’ve explained where I’m at…the question. Should suicidal thoughts of this nature be shared? I do share them with my therapist, at least if I remember to at the next session, but I struggle with rather to share them with my husband for instance.

He knows I’m depressed. He knows I have struggled off and on with suicidal thoughts, but should I make him aware of when I’m actually having them or would that just needlessly worry and stress him out since I don’t intend to act on them?

I normally don’t hide much of anything I’m feeling emotionally from my husband (he can usually tell anyway), but is it better to not give specific details sometimes? Is the relief I might get from talking about them worth the concern it would cause him? What do you think?

PlannerGirl2020 – Planning It All Out

82136421_463295661013028_7069990067317506048_n

I’ve never really been one to do the whole planner thing, but I see how much fun others seem to be having doing it on Instagram and their blogs, so I decided to give it a try. Yesterday I bought a simple but cute planner and a planner sticker kit, because I figured the cute stickers would make me more likely to “stick to it” – pun intended.

I have already set up the Jan-March months and am going to keep track of my goals I set for my art, writing, and blog this year. Here are the goals I set:

  • Create at least 2 artworks larger than ACEO cards each month (I love doing ACEO art, but want to do larger artworks as well)
  • Submit poetry to a contest or publication at least once a month (to help with this I ordered the 2020 Poet’s Market guide)
  • Promote at least 2 Instagram posts a week
  • Post on my blog every other day (pretty much keeping my current schedule)
  • Make $1,000+ selling art in 2020 (this was my goal last year too and I think I may have met it or come close, but I didn’t keep track of it well)

I like being able to set goals I can actually control like most of the ones above, rather than abstract numbers of followers/subscribers that I have no control over, although I do set a new goal for Instagram and blog followers each year just for fun.

For 2020, I am aiming for 2,000 followers on my blog and 5,000 followers on IG. Of course, I would LOVE to sail past both of those goals!!!

Topamax Troubles and Migraines

fax-1889030_1280I’ve had a horrible week of migraine trouble and the worst part is that I kind of brought it on myself 😦 I have been on Topamax for migraine prevention for a few months at least and while it was helping the migraines, it was causing water weight gain and constant noticeable bloating which I wasn’t thrilled with.

So, I asked my doctor to try something else and was tapered off Topamax and switched to Propranolol (a beta blocker). Big mistake. As soon as I went off the Topamax entirely, the migraines came back with a vengeance. The Propranolol didn’t seem to help at all. In fact, all the beta blocker managed to do was lower my already low blood pressure to the point that I often felt dizzy and faint.

Now I’m starting to switch back to the Topamax, but still suffering the lingering effects of this migraine flare up. I hate that the Topamax actually makes me look puffy and fatter and makes my clothes too tight, but right now, I guess that is preferable to these migraines since I can’t function at all when they strike. WHY DO ALL PRESCRIPTIONS THAT WORK FOR ME HAVE TO HAVE SUCH SUCKY SIDE EFFECTS???

A Few More Favorite Christmas Gifts From the Hubby

Hi everyone! I already showed you my adorable stuffed Scar, but thought I would share a few other favorite gifts from my husband (Steve) this year.

First, we have this Halloween wreath that he actually made for me (for years I have been telling him I wanted a Halloween wreath):

IMG_0135

The best thing about this wreath is that all the decorations are removable, so you can redecorate it or swap stuff out whenever you want. He got me a bunch of other decorations (skull lights, creepy flowers, more spiders/cutouts/etc.) to use with it if I so wish.

He also got me this Anubis prayer bead necklace and Anubis & mummy statue set (the mummy actually goes inside the Anubis sarcophagus):

IMG_0136

Steve bought me several books, all of which I like, but my favorites are these two:

81136634_2928396220528051_4575085900563742720_o

80830089_2928397087194631_2062283144798666752_o

Both of these books are very thorough reference materials for two of my favorite subjects – world mythology and world literature! I especially like that both of these do not just center on Greek/European/American history, but are more expansive than that.

So there you have a further peek into my Christmas haul 🙂

 

Merry Christmas Eve Everyone!

christmas-4666370_1280
I am feeling lazy today, but I wanted to take a moment to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas Eve and Christmas Day tomorrow if you celebrate those holidays. I plan to have a quiet holiday here at home with my husband: enjoying our presents, going out for Christmas dinner (probably Chinese since nowhere else is open lol), going to see some Christmas lights, and maybe seeing the new Disney Frozen movie.

We already celebrated with family and friends over the weekend, so now we feel like it is time for just us. In some ways that is nicer than any big party. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday whatever it is you choose to do!

My Baby is Dying

35246_134350969932604_5328688_n

My baby kitty Spyder is dying. I’m pretty sure of it now. We’ve ruled out pretty much everything but cancer or autoimmune disease, with cancer looking most likely. He hasn’t eaten for 3 days now and is getting weaker and weaker. We’ve tried everything we know. Spent well over $1,000 to try to get him well in the past month.

He is around 14 years old, so at least he has lived a good length of life for a cat, but my heart is breaking. About 3 days ago it is almost as if he suddenly decided it was time to prepare to die. Since then, he has refused to eat, wants to hide away and sleep, and gets weaker every day. He does not seem to be in pain, except when he has to go to the bathroom and try to get stool out. Luckily, that isn’t happening often as he has very little to expel.

Our only other options at this point would be a feeding tube, and if he does indeed have cancer, I don’t want to just prolong his suffering and death. I know we couldn’t afford all the treatment that would require, nor would I want to put him through all that. Spyder is a quiet, shy cat and I know he would rather go at home quietly. He is one of the sweetest cats I have ever known. Knowing him has been an honor.

Spyder got his name from a dream of mine. Right before he showed up in our lives, I had a dream that I had a baby of my own and named it Spyder for some reason. So, when we got this kitty soon after, I figured it was fate and gave him the name from my dream. He indeed became my baby. The kitty that I was closest to. The one who pulled my heartstrings hardest for some reason. I am hurting.