Boundaries and Temporary Separation

I’ve had a really rough few days. Because of acting out behaviors online, my husband and I had set some boundaries for online use. He broke a couple of these boundaries a few days ago. Not a huge violation, but still not honoring the safeguards we put in place is a big deal and I have to treat it as such. So for now, he has moved to the spare bedroom. I’m very sad and I miss him. I feel like I’m suffering as much for his actions as he is.

I am proud of myself though for honoring myself enough to enforce the boundaries we had agreed upon. In the past, I never would have done so. He even said that he felt there would never actually be real consequences and he even admitted that he knew he needed them. He is attending a 12 step program and will probably be switching counselors to a specialist who deals with these kinds of issues. I am glad he is taking the initiative to help himself and try to heal our relationship as well.

I only wish it didn’t make me feel so sad and lonely too.

Subconscious Sexual Abuse Dreams?

Although I was exposed to sexual content at a very young age and my parents shared WAY too much of their sex life details with me as a kid, I always considered myself lucky that at least I wasn’t touched or molested by anyone.

However, over the years (more so in the past than currently) I’ve had multiple nightmares about a couple of my relatives molesting me. I have no conscious memory of this ever happening, so if it did actually happen, it was obviously when I was too young to remember or my mind has blocked it from my memory. Either way, I’m glad of that safeguard if anything actually did happen, because I don’t think I’d want to remember it in detail.

The reason I’m sharing this today is just to ask if anyone else has ever had recurring nightmares about a relative sexually abusing them. Is this normal? Should I just shake it off as some kind of weird paranoia? There was definitely a lack of boundaries and privacy in my home growing up. Perhaps that triggers exaggerated dreams like this? I’m not sure, but I was just wondering if anyone else has ever experienced anything like this.

Vacation Cancelled :(

Today is a bummer. My husband and I were supposed to go to Buffalo, NY for spring break starting today, but I’ve got an awful ear infection and don’t feel up to going, so we had to cancel. I’m taking both antibiotic ear drops and oral antibiotics, but it is still hurting a lot. Earaches are probably one of the worst aches, up there with a bad toothache.

So now I’m bored, in pain, stuck at home, and kind of cranky too. I guess at least I have you guys to talk to lol. Thanks for listening to my little rant. Anyone got any weird, fun trivia, jokes, or funny personal stories you want to share? I could use a laugh.

Stressful and Emotional Week

This has been a stressful and emotional week. My husband and I had marriage counseling early in the week, which is helpful, but always makes me emotional and kind of depressed (depressed because we even need marriage counseling in the first place). Then my husband started a 12 step support group to work on some of the acting out behaviors he struggles with. I’m glad he started the group, I think it will be good for him and he could use the friendship and accountability partners, but I was also kind of bummed because his support group gets to meet in person and I desperately wish I could find a support group for me that meets in person.

I feel like I’m dying for that face to face interaction, but the only support groups I could find for me only meet online for right now and it looks like it will be that way until at least September because of the rules of the church where they normally met before Covid. I’m still going to try to be a part of it, but it just isn’t the same. Part of me is jealous that my husband gets that in-person attention and I can’t.

On top of that, my husband and I had a fight yesterday (or more accurately, I had an emotional meltdown and he sort of closed up, not knowing how to respond). The argument was about the trip we are taking to Buffalo, NY next week and about him making plans for it that I didn’t agree to and wouldn’t like so that he could visit an old friend. More than anything, I was just upset that I felt like he didn’t even think about how any of it would affect me or make the trip harder for me.

I’m feeling like an emotional wreck.

My Uncle’s Funeral and Family Connections

Here you can see three of the Egyptian figures I got from my Uncle’s collection (circled in pink) on my table

Over the weekend my husband and I went over to Indiana for my uncle’s viewing and funeral. Although the occasion was obviously sad, it was really nice to see some of the relative I rarely see, especially my cousins. One of my cousins even told me that he had been reading my writing and loved it. He encouraged me to “keep doing what you’re doing”, and that meant a lot ♥ I didn’t even know any of them read my work!

I got a few momentos to remember my uncle by as well, which was nice. Since we both love Egyptian art and mythology, I got several of his Egyptian figurines, and a quilt that was made by my great-grandma. Having that connection to your roots during sad times like this can be comforting and make you feel a part of something bigger than just you.

My Uncle Passed Away

My uncle did pass away, so tomorrow we are heading for Indiana for the viewing, and then the funeral is on Saturday, at the church he pastored for many years. Feeling sad about it all. I’ve glad he isn’t in pain and won’t suffer anymore, but I’ll miss him. The whole week has felt rather dark and overshadowed by the loss, so my mental health has been struggling a bit. I’m trying to make sure to do fun things and fill my life with activity so I don’t get pulled down too far into a depression, but it has been rough.

When you have experienced times of loss and grief, how do you cope? Do you have any specific suggestions that help you keep a positive frame of mind through the sadness? I am allowing myself to feel the sadness, but I don’t want to get swept away by it too much and end up in a dark depression, as that has definitely happened in the past when I experienced the loss of loved ones.

My Uncle is Dying

I’ve been really sad this week. Depressed too. I found out my great uncle is dying and has been put on hospice care. He has overcome a lot this past year, he had a stroke and then got Covid and developed pneumonia, but he recovered from both better than expected, but now he has some kind of heart/blood issue that they say can’t be fixed because he is simply too weak to survive any kind of surgery to correct the issue. Sadly, they can’t even grant his wish to go back home and pass away there, as he is in a lot of pain and they feel the IV pain relief drugs are necessary for his comfort since he doesn’t respond well to the pill form.

I have always had a special relationship with him. I spent quite a bit of time with him as a kid growing up. When we moved away when I was 12, he faithfully wrote me letters for years, letters that helped me through very rough times in my teenage life. I even chose him to marry my husband and I as he was an ordained minister. He was definitely the best example I had of Christianity in my life, and even though I’m not an evangelical Christian anymore, I still greatly respect the example he set of being kind and loving.

I don’t want him to suffer, and we have been worried about his quality of life ever since the stroke, but it is still hard to say goodbye. And so, I’m sad.

This Winter Storm Sucks

Man, all this snow is getting me down. I haven’t been able to go out for days and am feeling a bit of cabin fever and depression. My husband (a teacher) has worked 1 day in a week and a half because school is being cancelled pretty much every day. Our roads here are pretty bad. Not Texas bad, but not good either by any stretch of the imagination.

I feel bad complaining about the weather here in Ohio, when I see all the suffering going on in Texas, but it still sucks that we are getting more and more snow, over a foot already and counting. I know Texas’s problems are not really due to the weather but more to the fact that they have their own power grid to avoid federal regulations, and some of those regulations they ignore are to help protect against cold weather like this. So their infrastructure failed. Goes to show yet again that putting profit above all and doing all you can to avoid regulations comes back to bite you in the ass eventually 😦 I still hope power is restored soon though because there are a lot of vulnerable people paying for Texas’s political mistakes.

How are you and your family doing during this winter storm? Has it affected you at all? If you are in Texas, how are things going there? I hope you are staying safe and helping each other if needed.

The Page Turner Awards are Now Open for Submissions!

As I mentioned a little while back, I was honored to be asked by the Page Turner Awards to help judge their Young Writer Award category. This opportunity excites me because I love literature and am excited to get a chance to help recognize and encourage some blossoming young writers!

The Page Turner Awards are now open to submissions, so make sure you check it out! Here is a bit more information about the Page Turner Awards from a recent press release:

Page Turner Awards is an inclusive writing and book awards with one goal – to change the lives of as many writers as possible. While traditional writing awards are often steeped in elitism, the Page Turner Awards passionately believes that talented writers can be from any background, age, race, religion, or interest.

Our mission is to get new unpublished writers discovered, helping published authors get their writing recognized and celebrated, so they can find new reading audiences and giving screenwriters the chance to have their scripts placed in front of film professionals.

Page Turner Awards gives unpublished writers the chance to enter unpublished fiction and non-fiction books, to be read by a carefully curated judging panel made up of influential players in the publishing industry. We also give published authors, whether mainstream published or independently published, the chance to get their fiction story or non-fiction book recognized by successful authors, high-caliber industry professionals and film producers. Plus, screenwriters have the chance to showcase their screenplays to film producers and film production companies actively looking for scripts to produce. Prizes span everything from mentorships to audiobook production and publishing packages.