Teenage Trauma Almost Made Me Give Up On Life

One of the few pics of me from that time. Not too many happy memories.

I went through a lot of trauma between the ages of 15-19. I had already been through prior trauma, losing my dad to a heart attack at the age of 12, getting hit by a delivery truck while crossing the street when I was 10, living with an abusive, dysfunctional family dynamic from birth, etc.

But from the ages of 15 to 19, a lot of other bad stuff happened in short sequence:

  • My mother married my first boy friend that I brought home from school. They married on his 18th birthday. I was 15 and had to go to school with my new “stepdad”. It was humiliating. I started skipping school constantly and went from a straight A honors student to just not caring.
  • I started working a rather dangerous and technically illegal 3rd shift job when I was 16. There was one really threatening experience where a drunk guy was physically threatening me and I had to call the cops. Scary stuff at that age.
  • When I was 17, I was robbed at gunpoint after a shift at Burger King (after leaving the above job obviously).
  • When I was 16, we moved from Georgia, back to Indiana (where I was born), which meant leaving all my friends and the school I had been attending for the past five years. I found it very hard to integrate into my new school.
  • Being dumped on family and friends unceremoniously when my mother and her husband wanted to go away. I had to stay with people I really didn’t like, in living conditions that were pretty nasty at times. Places I knew my mother would have never stayed herself, but she left me there so she could go away and have fun.
  • I developed my first “real” feelings for a guy around 17-18. Unfortunately, he led me on, made me think we might have a future together, then lied to me, moved another girl in with him, told me they were just friends, then when I found out they were together and expressed anger about it, he wrote me a nasty letter saying I was obsessive and pretty much accused me of being crazy.

Looking back now, I really wish I could have known then what I know now. I wish my adult self could have been there to comfort myself. I wish that instead of giving up on education and school, that I would have embraced it as a way out. At the time, I was just so humiliated and depressed, that skipping school and not caring seemed the only way.

Before all this happened, I had big plans. I wanted to go to college to study journalism. I had dreams of being a foreign correspondent, or even just a regular reporter. At the age of 12, I was studying college course catalogs and trying to figure out which college would be best for journalism. I would also regularly write practice made up “news articles” just for fun. I wish I had kept those. I’d imagine they would give me quite a kick now. My other dream was to own a used bookstore.

The trauma made me give up on all that. I stopped caring about my future at all. I couldn’t see that I HAD much of a future at all. It is really a wonder that I never attempted suicide. I think my fear of hell (because I was religious at the time) is probably what stopped me.

I guess in the end, my determination and stubbornness has helped me fix some of the errors made back then. I have become a writer, even if I’m not a journalist. I write a fairly successful blog here, have published and even won awards for books I’ve written, share my poetry here and on social media, have worked freelance jobs as a copywriter, ghostwriter, editor, and reviewer – so I’ve come a long way for someone who didn’t take the traditional path and get a college degree.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is that if things seem like they can never get better, they can. Don’t give up. I still have to tell myself that today on my bad days and in my bad moments. And if you are young, don’t give up on the things that could be your way out (like education).

On Paganism

I came for the magick, the ceremony, the mystical – glittering amongst the crystals, candles, wands, and symbols.

But it isn’t about that at all, is it? It is about essence, about the base elements that form everything in and outside of nature.

It is about the history, the stories, and the heart lessons we all need to learn on this wild ride through time and space.

Remember:
Reality is an illusion.
All is an illusion.
Everything is energy.

Visit from the Dead?

Ok, I had a weird experience this morning. I woke up to a loud, male voice urgently calling out my childhood nickname (Mandy). At first, I thought it was my husband, so I got up to see if he was ok, but quickly saw he wasn’t here and his car was gone. I texted him to make sure he was ok because I felt kind of weirded out, then went back to bed.

Right before I fell back to sleep, I had an image flash before me (with my eyes closed) of some children’s alphabet blocks spelling out the word “Dad”. I found that weird too, but went back to sleep.

When my husband got home, he had to have me unlock the door, because somehow the lock that can only be unlocked from inside was locked. I hadn’t touched the door all morning, and my husband couldn’t have possibly locked it from the outside.

When I sat down to breakfast, I decided to use the GhostRadar app (similar to the spirit box they use on ghosthunting shows) on my phone to ask if my dad (who passed away when I was 12) had been here. The first three words I got were “house”, “visit”, and “parent”. I was a bit blown away by that.

So what do you guys think?

Not Taking Your Psych Meds

meditate-5353620_1280

Maybe it is the bipolar, but I tend to go through cycles where I stop taking my antidepressant or bipolar medicine because I start thinking either it doesn’t really work for me, I decide I would rather try natural alternatives, or I start thinking that the new agers are right and the pharmaceutical industry is trying to poison us all or trying to block or destroy our pineal gland with the medicine so that we can’t have real, meaningful spiritual experiences (or so that we can’t exercise any innate psychic powers – whatever they may be).

During these times, I do at least taper off. I’m not stupid. I don’t do the cold turkey thing. And honestly, I DON’T notice much of a difference with some of the meds, even after being off them for a month or more. However, I do notice a difference with the antidepressant and I notice it quickly. I’m not sure sometimes though if it is really the medicine or my fear of going off of it since I have taken antidepressants for YEARS and feel almost dependent on them at this point.

Anyone else experience anything like this cycle of suspicion, doubt, and desire to be off the psych meds for good?

Logical Religious Thought Experiment

galaxy-2357504_1280

Think this through:

Why would any kind, loving, graceful deity demand the torture and death of something innocent in order to be able to bestow simple forgiveness for wrongs committed against them? Why would they create such a system?

How would you feel about a human being who demanded the torture and death of an innocent 3rd party in order to be able to forgive a person who wronged them in some way?

Why would a deity demand humans forgive freely but refuse to do so themselves?

Let me know your conclusions if you wish!

(Want to help support this blog?)

PlannerGirl2020 – Planning It All Out

82136421_463295661013028_7069990067317506048_n

I’ve never really been one to do the whole planner thing, but I see how much fun others seem to be having doing it on Instagram and their blogs, so I decided to give it a try. Yesterday I bought a simple but cute planner and a planner sticker kit, because I figured the cute stickers would make me more likely to “stick to it” – pun intended.

I have already set up the Jan-March months and am going to keep track of my goals I set for my art, writing, and blog this year. Here are the goals I set:

  • Create at least 2 artworks larger than ACEO cards each month (I love doing ACEO art, but want to do larger artworks as well)
  • Submit poetry to a contest or publication at least once a month (to help with this I ordered the 2020 Poet’s Market guide)
  • Promote at least 2 Instagram posts a week
  • Post on my blog every other day (pretty much keeping my current schedule)
  • Make $1,000+ selling art in 2020 (this was my goal last year too and I think I may have met it or come close, but I didn’t keep track of it well)

I like being able to set goals I can actually control like most of the ones above, rather than abstract numbers of followers/subscribers that I have no control over, although I do set a new goal for Instagram and blog followers each year just for fun.

For 2020, I am aiming for 2,000 followers on my blog and 5,000 followers on IG. Of course, I would LOVE to sail past both of those goals!!!

2019 Yule Altar (So Far)

I was excited as soon as Thanksgiving was over to put up my Yule altar. I’m not sure if this is the finished version for the season or not, but I liked the way it looked so far and thought I would share a pic:

EKt_yijUEAAIBqI

My favorite touches this year are the red Reindeer candle holder (from Walmart), and the glittery green pinecone. The silver glittery tree candle holder and the altar cloth are also new (I found both at Goodwill). The little cinnamon broom, jingle bells, and white star are from last year. I also sprinkled an assortment of seasonally colored tiny gemstones and several small healing wands on the table as well.

By the way, for this photo, I loved the way the candles reflected in the darkened window frame, so had to include that in the background!

Freaky Friday – My Mysterious Moving Cat Statue

Are you interested in hearing a weird personal story? Ok, so for over a year now I’ve had this praying black cat statue on my living room coffee table:

IMG_0104

I picked him up at Michael’s last Halloween. Anyway, I normally have him facing front as pictured, looking to the left (from his perspective). But, multiple times I keep finding him moved about 90 degrees to the right, directly facing my little pagan altar. I just find this so weird, especially since he is a praying statue and he keeps moving to face my little altar.

I know I have never moved him to face that way and my husband swears he has never done so either. The only other possibility would be one of our cats knocking into him, but I never really see any of our 3 cats up on that table, and even if they did get up there, what are the odds they would keep moving him exactly the same amount, in the same direction?

The statue is solid and fairly heavy, so the cats would really have to knock into him to move him too, and if they did that, they would probably knock him over, or off the table, since he is close to the edge on the front and side of the table.

I can’t explain it, but I thought it was kind of weird and interesting. Any thoughts?