I am not afraid to die –
but I am not yet
unafraid of living.
I’m not sure I have ever written truer words than the 3-line poem above. This little gem came to me while taking a bath last night, so I repeated it to myself like a mantra until I got out of the tub and could write it down.
It is true that I am not afraid of death. I am a bit afraid of the actual feeling of dying, mostly because of the instinctual anxiety I fear it would bring. However, I am not afraid of being dead. In fact, I rather look forward to it. If there is something after death, it will be awesome to explore and find out what else is out there. If there is nothing after death, it will just be like the times I have passed out or been put out for surgery…simply a loss of consciousness which often sounds like a relief in itself. No more worrying. No more pain. No more anxiety or depression.
However, living is scary. Knowing I may have years and years of dealing with anxiety and depression ahead of me. Knowing that I will likely suffer from chronic pain and chronic illness until I die. Knowing that my degenerative conditions will likely worsen with time. Fearing that my husband may get sick or die and I will be alone. Fearing financial ruin. Fearing homelessness. Fearing potentially abusive situations. Fearing the entire planet going to shit (a justifiable fear from my point of view). Fearing that I may end up committing suicide if life becomes unbearable (not the ending I would desire for my life).
Many people jump to the conclusion that I am an atheist because I am not religious anymore and can be very critical of organized religion. However, I am not an atheist. I do often listen to atheist podcasts and read atheist books, but I also sometimes listen to and read material from spiritual or religious sources (even the crazy ones, although I listen to them more for amusement). I find myself overall agreeing more with secular thought, but I do feel that differing points of view are essential for having a realistic, down-to-earth view of life.
If I had to choose a label for myself spiritually, it would be agnostic. I’m not really sure what the hell is going on. I’m not a deist, because I’m not positive that there is a greater being or consciousness, although I hope there is to an extent. I don’t believe in the specific gods of any earthly religions, but I wouldn’t mind if there were some wiser (and hopefully caring) beings, or at least some sort of a meaning to all that is.
Because of the state of the world and the suffering, abuse, and slaughter of the innocent, I find it hard to believe in an “all good” being in power, unless that being gave us a choice about being here and what we would face. If earth were some kind of “school” where we choose the lessons we want to learn or the experiences we want to have, then I could see how the powers that be could still be moral and have values. Otherwise, their absence and inaction in the face of so much injustice and pain speaks volumes.
I do not believe in “original sin”. I do not believe in a God who must spill innocent blood in order to be able to forgive someone else for doing something wrong (seriously, how is that even ok???) I do not believe in a being that has such a huge ego all they want is to be worshiped for all eternity (too Donald Trumpish for my taste). I do not believe that there is necessarily an afterlife or heaven/hell, but if there is I would not be shocked or upset unless there was some kind of tyrant running things. If there is some sort of being in charge of it all, I simply hope that they are just and kind, but not cruel or punitive.
Ok, this post may be a bit out there, a mix of philosophical musing and fantasy stories, but thought I would share just for fun. Right now I am reading the Riley Bloom series, written by Alyson Noel. This fantasy series is based on the premise that the main character, a 12-year-old girl is dead and on the other side (heaven, or at least one of the levels of heaven). Anyhow, while I was reading the book, I found myself fascinated with some of the ideas of heaven the author had. For instance, while in spirit form, deceased people have the ability to manifest anything they want or need. Want an ice cream sundae…picture it and there you have it. Want a cool new building…imagine it and it is yours. Want to fly? Just desire it. Have something to say to someone? Just send the message telepathically.
So anyhow, this book had me thinking something I’ve thought before….what if in our true state, our original state (spirit), we do have those abilities? What if we existed in spirit before being born and we unconsciously remember having those abilities? Could that be why humans have such a desire to create…because it comes so naturally…is so innate? Could our attempts to create art, music, literature, objects, technology, etc., be us trying to grasp some of that amazing manifesting power that seems to be out of our reach here on the earth plane? Is that why so many of us fantasize or dream about flying (without an airplane)? Do we miss the ease of communication we once had if we were able to communicate telepathically?
In no way do I think this would nullify or violate a belief in God. For it would seem logical to me that if God made us in his image we may have inherited some of his abilities in spirit form, or perhaps these aren’t even special “abilities” but just how things are done in the spirit world. Of course, I know some people really have an issue with believing we existed in spirit before coming to earth, but who really knows? Only God really knows where our souls were before being put into human bodies…and only God knows how time actually works (or if it even exists).
Well, just a few late-night thoughts for all my readers. Maybe I’m just up too late and thinking too hard lol. Hope you enjoy my little musings and that it gives you something to spark your imagination and love of mystery…even if you don’t consciously believe the fantasy.