I wrote a post the other day about my anxiety over entering an art contest I placed in last year, well, I went ahead and chose my three pieces to submit and thought I would show you guys the ones that made the cut. Here are the three I made that I submitted to the contest:
I also made this fourth painting, but could only submit 3 pieces to the contest, so I ended up listing this one for sale on my Ebay store:
Today was a busy day, so I am posting kind of late. I figured I would just share a couple fun, slightly weird drawings I did not too long ago. The first was inspired by a Youtuber I sometimes listen to and the other picture was inspired by the unicorn from Despicable Me. Both are obviously abstract and not directly representative of the subjects that inspired them lol:
(Check out my art for sale on my Ebay store!)
This week has been stressful. I’m not sure if I’m just overreacting to things because I’m autistic and hypersensitive to everything (especially changes in routine), or if this would even throw many normal people off their game, but since Monday:
(Check out my art for sale on Ebay!)
The last few days have been rough. I’ve been dealing with dark, obsessive thoughts that I know aren’t healthy for me to dwell on. Dark thoughts of restlessness, dark thoughts of jealousy and resentment, dark thoughts about relationships and craving attention, and dark thoughts about life and death. Craving attention might not sound like such a bad thing, but the negative part is some of the twisted ways my brain comes up with to get it. Luckily, I don’t act on these dark thoughts, so I must have a good amount of self-control, but the obsessiveness of the thought patterns bother me.
I feel a little bit like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde at times (which I actually reread recently for the first time since childhood). There is a really good side to me, but there is definitely a dark side as well, and when that dark side becomes obsessive and stuck in a groove, the intensity of my thoughts and emotions can become a bit frightening to myself.
I’m not entirely sure what causes these bouts of dark fantasizing. The ocd? The C-PTSD? Mood disorder? The anxious/avoidant attachment style I developed from a dysfunctional family system?
Today I’ve been trying to stay busy in an attempt to distract myself and it has helped some, but my brain is like a boomerang that just keeps circling back around to the same place again and again. It is exhausting to be honest.
I have a lot of amazing talents (thank you, autism)…now, if only more of those remarkable abilities were marketable! Here is a list of things I am awesome at that I wish I could get paid to do:
Sometimes when making art, I feel the primary color rainbow shouting my name and have to indulge in a burst of brightness! Here are a couple recent colorful creations…
Check out my art for sale on my Ebay store!
Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist. We spent a lot of time talking about the dark, morbid interests I have and whether those might be contributing to my depression and anxiety. I’ve always been drawn to studying the dark side of things, whether it be the occult, serial killers, suicide, the dark side of history, horror movies and books, or psychopaths. I know these interests may not be the best things for my mental state, but they are all things that fascinate me and it is hard for me to resist things that fascinate me.
At one point in the conversation, my psychiatrist asked if there were any happy interests I have. I told him I love cartoons, but then I told him one of my favorite cartoon movies is Anastasia, which he pointed out is about the mass murder of the royal family lol, so maybe not so happy after all.
Today I have an MRI scheduled on my head and neck to try to figure out what might be causing my recent migraines. I’m really not looking forward to it. I hate MRI’s, especially on the head and neck because I feel really claustrophobic and hate not being able to move for so long.
Sometimes I feel like mental health disorders are like Pokemon: Gotta catch’em all!!!
Is there a point where collecting mental health labels gets ridiculous and almost humorous? Sometimes I wonder if all the stuff that has been ascribed to me is really wrong with me, and if it is – is it actually just one thing with many different facets?
Here are the mental health diagnoses I have collected to this day (that I know of and can remember):
PDD-NOS (high-functioning autism)
Asperger’s Syndrome (a slightly different form of high-functioning autism lol)
Bipolar Type 2
Major Depressive Disorder
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Social Anxiety Disorder
Avoidant Personality Disorder
Complex PTSD
OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
Phobias
Cyclothymia
Adjustment Disorder
SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)
Dysthymia
Somatic Disorder
Attachment Disorder
I may be leaving some out or have ones I don’t even know I have in my medical record, but am I getting close to winning this odd, mentally ill game of Pokemon Go yet? I CHOOSE YOU!…
