Even My Dream Self is Depressed

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I’m still struggling quite a bit. Feeling lethargic, numb, and exhausted all the time. Still not wanting to get out of bed, even though I’m not finding much refuge in sleep either, since my dreams the last couple nights have been overrun by nightmares. Quite an assortment of bad dreams too: A dream about my husband not loving me anymore, a dream about giant ants, a dream about trying to get kicked out of high school. Even in my dreams I’m miserable. During the high school dream the reason I wanted to get kicked out was because I was so depressed I just couldn’t function and wanted to go home and crash.

I’m hoping this depressive episode passes soon. I’m not sure if it is maybe exacerbated by seasonal affective disorder since I haven’t seen the sun in a while, or if this is just a shitty coincidence, but I wish I felt better.

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Depression Slump

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I’m going through a depression slump right now. I can tell because I am sleeping half the day away and not wanting to get out of bed even when I do finally wake up. I don’t feel like writing, creating art, talking to anyone, or simply functioning. I want to stay in bed and either sleep my life away or curl up under all my heavy blankets and leave reality behind.

I have some important appointments coming up soon (my Ehlers Danlos testing and my SSDI hearing top the list), but right now I don’t even care about those things. I don’t feel like doing them and the thought of dealing with them is overwhelming. I hope this slump passes soon.

Poetry – Malice

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This little poem was inspired by a middle grade book series called “Malice” by Chris Wooding. I liked the world that was created, and decided to capture just a bit of it in poetry (my favorite line is the “mushroom lamps” one):

Take the evening train
into the cavernous abyss.
Light up the darkness
with your mushroom lamps
and a fist full
of round trip tickets.

Out of Anxiety Meds & Body Dysmorphia

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I’ve had a rough few days. I think the main problem is that I’ve been out of my anxiety meds for a while because Buspirone is on national back-order for some reason, and my pharmacy doesn’t know when/if they will get it back in. I contacted my psychiatrist today to ask him to prescribe something else, hopefully he will do so soon. I was going to try to just hang on until my appointment with him at the end of the month, but I am having some real anxiety issues cropping up without my meds.

For one thing, I’ve been having some body dysmorphia issues, which happens now and then. I’ve heard that issues like these are common among high-functioning autistic people. I’m not trans or anything like that. I don’t want to be a man. But, for some reason, ever since I hit puberty, I’ve always felt kind of uncomfortable in my own body. I’m not sure why. I don’t think I’m extremely ugly or anything like that, but it is like there is some kind of disconnect in my brain when I look in the mirror. I feel like my body looks wrong somehow or like it isn’t the body I should have. It is hard to explain.

I think part of it has to do with always feeling unfeminine. Like I said, I don’t want to be a man, but I’ve always felt like I’m not very good at being a woman either lol. I feel like a tomboy, I always have, yet sometimes when I look in the mirror I look more like a woman than I feel. It is weird. I also have always wished I was thinner, more flat-chested, and athletic-looking overall, but my genes just don’t cooperate with me. It is funny to me when I hear women saying they want bigger boobs. I’m always like “why would anyone want that?”, but I know everyone has their own insecurities, and some people obviously have different ones than I do.

Cupcake and Unicorn Collages

Here are a couple new ACEO artist trading card collages featuring some of the stickers I got for Christmas! Both of these were made with acrylic paint, scrapbook paper, and of course, the stickers!!! I like the fun, bright quality of both, and the cupcake one already sold, so I guess others like those qualities too!

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(You can find these and more for sale on my Ebay store!)

I Attended a Psychic Class – How Did I Do?

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Last month I attended a class developed to help you improve your “psychic abilities”. Partly, I decided to try it out just for fun and to see what would happen, and partly I have always been interested in the paranormal, whether it be ghosts, ufos, psychic abilities, time travel, near death experiences, cryptids, etc.

So, what happened? I will only share my personal experiences, nothing about anyone else at the meeting or any specific teaching. We did several kinds of exercises and a meditation period. I think the weirdest experience I had the entire class was when we did a practice where the leader would share a hidden word and we all tried to intuitively figure out how that hidden word made us feel.

We did this quite a few times, and only once did I have a strong physical reaction to the hidden word. For this particular word, my hair literally started standing on end on my arms and I got goosebumps. I thought it was weird and showed everyone else in the class. This didn’t happen for any of the other words. When the leader revealed that word, it was “evil”. Kind of interesting, huh?

For the other hidden words, I often was pretty accurate about the feeling I got from it, although none of the others gave me the visceral physical reaction “evil” did. We also did some practices where the leader tried to “create” colored balls of light energy and we tried to intuitively figure out what color the balls were. I was surprised how accurate I was on these too, even when I kept feeling it was white, though I didn’t think white was technically a color, so figured that couldn’t be right….however, turned out the instructor had chosen white lol. I even came up with purple and silver when the instructor decided to challenge us and pick two colors at once.

I’m not claiming to be super psychic or anything, although I have always felt I was rather empathic. I think I might keep going to these classes simply to see what happens and because it was rather fun.

Goals for 2019 – Blog, Writing, Art

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I don’t set personal resolutions for New Years, but I do try to set some goals to try to reach the coming year, especially for my blog/social media, writing, and art. I did meet and even surpass some of the goals I set for 2018. For instance, I hoped to have 500 Instagram followers by the end of this year, and I’m already over 1,400!

When setting these goals, I try to be realistic but shoot a bit high. I figure even if I miss, at least I dreamed big and tried my best. I try to not beat myself up if I don’t meet a goal by the end of the year, I just set my sights on the next year.

So without further ado, here are my goals for 2019:

Social Media
Blog – 1,500 followers
Instagram – 5,000 followers (dream big!)

Books
Write/publish 2 new books/ebooks
Sell 300+ copies of my books

Art
Sell to 2 new countries (would love to add Ireland, Germany, Japan, China, or India!)
Countries I have already sold art to: USA, Canada, Australia, France, Switzerland, England, Wales, Norway, United Arab Emirates