Why I Don’t Have Kids of My Own

baby-623417__340

My recent renewed passion for baby dolls and stuffed animals has me wondering as it often has, whether I have some kind of suppressed motherhood longing or something like that. Many people have asked me why I don’t have kids of my own, and that is a subject that has several dimensions.

First off, I’m not sure I CAN have kids of my own. When I was 10 years old I sustained some internal damage due to being hit and run over by a delivery truck while crossing the street. It was a scary experience, partly because when I woke up in the hospital I had no control of my legs. They were shaking and moving on their own, but I had no motor control of them. Luckily that didn’t last too long, but the doctors did mention that the internal damage done might cause me issues down the road, including having children.

Perhaps since I always thought I might not be able to have kids, I convinced myself early I didn’t want any? It is also highly suspected that I have endometriosis, which can greatly affect fertility. My husband and I haven’t always been very careful and there are plenty of times I could have potentially gotten pregnant but didn’t, so I figured it just wasn’t in the cards.

Another reason I have not sought out having my own children is my desire to not pass down some of the problems I have struggled with my whole life. Autism and bipolar run heavily in my immediate family – everyone has bipolar or a mood disorder to some extent. Many in my family also share some of my physical ailments that cause me so much agony, making me fear those might be genetic as well. I wouldn’t wish what I have had to live through on anyone, and certainly not on an innocent child.

Lastly, when it comes to the idea of giving birth, it has always terrified me. I’m not sure if I died in childbirth in a past life or what happened, but even as a little child the thought of having a baby terrified me. I always knew somehow that it would be extremely painful and dangerous, even though I never saw it firsthand and no one told me that as far as I remember. I still wonder to this day why the thought of giving birth scared me so much even back then.

I did lean heavily towards considering adoption when my husband and I were fostering, but we never found the right match. When we had to quit fostering due to my increasingly poor health, I kind of gave up on my dream of adopting. I still sometimes daydream about adopting, but with my mental and physical health the way it is, I just don’t think it would necessarily be a good idea.

 

Advertisements

My First Reborn Baby Doll!

I’m not sure if you guys will find this interesting or not, but it is part of who I am, so thought I’d share. Lately I’ve been really into toy collecting again, which is a passion of mine that kind of comes and goes. I mostly collect dolls and stuffed animals, although I do have a fairly large collection of action figures and miniature toys as well.

Yesterday I decided to take some old toys I’m done with to Once Upon a Child (a secondhand children’s shop) in hopes of making a little bit of money from selling them. I was surprised to make over $50 from it all! I was hoping to maybe make $20…so that was quite impressive! I spent a bit of the money at the store on some new Build a Bear and doll clothes, but still left with over $40.

I decided to take the money I had left over and buy something I have always wanted…my own reborn baby doll! I love the attention to detail on these dolls and hope that it looks as good in person as it does in the photos. Here is a photo of the 18″ doll I purchased:

s-l1600

I was happy to find one with blue eyes and brown hair (like me!). I’m really excited to see her in person, but since I had to order her from China, it will be a few weeks probably. I hope once I get her that she will fit into actual baby clothes, I have always wanted a doll that I could dress in real baby clothes.

PS…Let me know if you guys find stuff like this interesting or if it bores you. Collecting toys is a passion of mine, so I may share it occasionally, but I don’t want to bore everyone to death.