I was tempted to just post a poem or something today, but I know some of you are worried about me after my last post and I could use your support right now, so I’m going to share what I’m comfortable sharing about what is going on.
Those of you who have followed me for a long time have figured out some of it I’m sure. I’ve mentioned enough times how my husband is my whole world and my main support system. So it will come as no surprise that we are having trouble right now. We are not separated or planning to divorce or anything like that, but my husband made some very foolish decisions lately that hurt me deeply, destroyed my ability to trust him fully, and have set us on a long road to relationship recovery.
He didn’t fully cheat (thank God), but his inability to deal with his feelings of depression/isolation, feeling drained at work, and overwhelmed at times by being a caretaker to someone with severe chronic illness (me), caused a perfect storm, and instead of handling it the right way by communicating with me or someone who could really help, he started acting out stupidly, doing things behind my back, and lying to me.
It isn’t even so much what he did that bothers me, but the lying and sneaking around. That has to change and end. He shows an immense amount of remorse, and I can tell it is genuine. We do plan to get help by doing couples counseling. Both of us can sometimes struggle with communication when it comes to anything that might cause confrontation or that we think might upset the other and I know we need to work on that to solve this.
At this point I’m cautiously optimistic. Trust is such a hard thing for me anyway because of my abusive past, and I fear I may never be able to get that back. I think that is what I’m most scared of. And if we can’t work through that, I don’t know what to do.
Have you ever noticed that some of the biggest blogs on WordPress focus mostly on telling other bloggers how to “make it as a blogger” and “grow your blog quickly”? I noticed this a while ago myself. It makes sense, people are most likely to read a blog that posts information they find useful and practical, and since many WP readers are also bloggers who dream of huge followings and internet stardom, it makes sense that the blogs that promise that or try to help you achieve that would be most popular.
It is human nature to want what helps us to succeed. At times I have been tempted to follow the example of these large blogs and focus on commercialization, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m just not interested in focusing on follower numbers, views, and marketing strategies. I understand those things and think I could easily follow the “formula” to try to make it happen, but my passion just isn’t there.
What makes me feel alive is sharing my art, my poetry, my experiences and lessons learned from this whole crazy experience called life. I like to share my pain, my joy, my sadness, my hopes, my dreams, and my heart. I like to read other blogs that focus mostly on the same types of things. It may mean I never become a superstar, and neither will my WP friends, but I enjoy our communication and heart-to-heart connection so much more than large numbers ♥
Well, I did get the test done yesterday at a drive-thru testing center. I was so glad it was drive-thru, because the last thing I wanted to do was be around a bunch of other potentially covid-infected people when I wasn’t sure if I have it yet or not. My doctor decided to go ahead and test my husband too. (By the way, the test wasn’t that bad, I’ve had MUCH worse medical tests!)
We won’t know the results for about a week probably. I’m not sure what to do in the meantime? Do we go ahead and quarantine ourselves in the house since we don’t know? If we do that and we are infected, we will end up being quarantined for about 3 weeks at least.
I don’t know how that will work when someone has to go get milk, prescriptions, and other essentials and it is just the two of us living here. I guess we just minimize going out as much as possible? We definitely won’t be visiting anyone, going out to eat, or shopping for unnecessary items.
Any of you had to self-quarantine at home? Any tips?
Recently I joined a site called Photocrowd. Lately I’ve been more into artistic photography and Photocrowd is a site where you can post your photos and enter a bunch of contests on all kinds of photography subjects.
You can start posting and entering contests for free, but if you like the site, you might want to buy a subscription so you get unlimited contest entries. I recently did this upgrade and it was under $40 for a year, so not that bad really. Some of the contests offer prizes and some don’t, but it is the fun of entering and giving it a try that appeals most to me.
Several of the contest themes have even inspired me to go take photos I probably wouldn’t have thought of taking otherwise. I love seeing how others interpret the subject matter in their own photos as well.
So far, my photos aren’t doing great in placing at the top of the contests, but I’m not sure if that is because I’m new and don’t have much clout on the site yet, or if I need to step up my photography game lol. I’m hoping it is the former, but I am always working on improving myself and my art too.
If you happen to be on Photocrowd too, check out my profile and show my pictures some love if you want to ♥
(BTW, I have NO business affiliation with Photocrowd, I just genuinely have been enjoying the site!)
I didn’t write for a few days because my husband and I went on a mini vacation to the Hocking Hills area of Ohio. It is beautiful country with tons of state parks, nature preserves, hiking trails, caves, etc. We also had some fun looking up haunted places in the area (I’m always hoping to see a ghost, but didn’t have any luck this time).
We had a great time, although there was still a lot of stuff closed in the area due to Covid. We had to eat in our car several times due to restaurant dining areas being closed. And we got kicked out of one state park that was closed (we didn’t know that of course), but the ranger was nice and just told us to get out instead of ticketing us or anything bad.
Here are a few of my fave pics from the trip:
We found this little guy in the middle of a country back road. We chased him off the road. I hope his mama came to get him soon after!
This large rat snake crossed our path on a nature trail. He wasn’t friendly lol, but we were still thrilled to see him.
This is the coolest pic from the ghost hunts. That rainbow orb is super weird. Especially since their hadn’t been any rain whatsoever that day. It didn’t show up on any other pictures. This was an old asylum turned into a museum. Sadly they were closed, so we couldn’t go inside 😦
This stain image in one of the limestone cliffs reminded me so much of Anubis. It just needed to be black lol.
Me posing at Ash Cave (the state park we got thrown out of later lol). This cave was a huge amphitheater-style structure that was so cool. In the past it was used for ancient Native American rituals and was even used as a Christian church many years ago.
I didn’t really have a good idea for a blog post today, so here are a few random little bits of prose from my journal that I like and thought I’d share:
I want to cause chaos. I want the entire world to feel the insecurities and fragility that creates the glass enclosure I dare not shake or shatter.
I lean towards darkness, but not cruelty or evil. The comforting dark. The mysterious dark. The exciting dark. The natural dark. The darkness inside is strong, but it need not be frightening.
I believe in justice, in fairness, in self protection, and in reflecting negativity back to its source, but I do not believe in malevolence.
I should have been a whore when I was younger. I was a good girl – I ran from impropriety. I feared intimacy. I swam in self-doubt and self-consciousness. I was afraid to be sexual. I was afraid to be sensual. I was afraid to be attractive.
Man, WordPress got my hopes up today and then just dashed them. I came to my blog site as I normally do and saw this on the side panel:
8,974 followers??? Yesterday I had around 1,700!!! Of course, after the elation swept through me, my common sense kicked in and I wondered how I could have possibly gotten over 7k followers in one day, especially when my other numbers (post likes, comments, etc.) look about the same. So I checked my blog stats page and I’m still at between 1,700-1,800 followers. Oh well.
Thanks for the heart attack WordPress…and the letdown.