Struggling to Blog – Depression or something more?

Lately I’ve really been struggling to blog. I don’t feel enthusiastic or motivated about it. I’m not sure if I’m feeling burnout or what is going on. Have you ever gone through this as a blogger? If so, what did you do? Did you force yourself to keep to your blogging schedule anyway and just trudge through it? Did you take a little vacation? Find some outside way to motivate yourself?

I don’t think it is simply coincidence that this feeling has come at a time that I have been fighting off a deep depression, but I’m not sure if that is all of it. To be fair, it has been hard to motivate myself to do much of anything lately, but writing seems especially tedious right now, and I feel like I have nothing of value to say anyway 😦

Affirmation of the Day

I love a good affirmation. I came across this one on a Reddit thread of all things lol, but really liked it and thought I would share.

"I'm getting better
every day
in every way
than the day before"

For me, the affirmation supports the concept that you should never compare yourself to others, you should only compare yourself to prior versions of yourself and try to improve your life in regards to that.

Annoyed

Ugh! I’m feeling annoyed right now. You ever feel like people purposefully do (or don’t do) certain things just to annoy you? I know that is probably a skewed viewpoint, influenced by my own sense of self-importance lol, but I just don’t understand why when someone says they will or won’t do something….they can’t just stick by their word.

Sorry for the rant. I couldn’t think of anything else to write about today because I’m so irritated. Maybe you could share something funny or interesting in the comments to distract me. I hope you all are having a better day so far than I am!

Boundaries and Temporary Separation

I’ve had a really rough few days. Because of acting out behaviors online, my husband and I had set some boundaries for online use. He broke a couple of these boundaries a few days ago. Not a huge violation, but still not honoring the safeguards we put in place is a big deal and I have to treat it as such. So for now, he has moved to the spare bedroom. I’m very sad and I miss him. I feel like I’m suffering as much for his actions as he is.

I am proud of myself though for honoring myself enough to enforce the boundaries we had agreed upon. In the past, I never would have done so. He even said that he felt there would never actually be real consequences and he even admitted that he knew he needed them. He is attending a 12 step program and will probably be switching counselors to a specialist who deals with these kinds of issues. I am glad he is taking the initiative to help himself and try to heal our relationship as well.

I only wish it didn’t make me feel so sad and lonely too.

Vacation Cancelled :(

Today is a bummer. My husband and I were supposed to go to Buffalo, NY for spring break starting today, but I’ve got an awful ear infection and don’t feel up to going, so we had to cancel. I’m taking both antibiotic ear drops and oral antibiotics, but it is still hurting a lot. Earaches are probably one of the worst aches, up there with a bad toothache.

So now I’m bored, in pain, stuck at home, and kind of cranky too. I guess at least I have you guys to talk to lol. Thanks for listening to my little rant. Anyone got any weird, fun trivia, jokes, or funny personal stories you want to share? I could use a laugh.

Stressful and Emotional Week

This has been a stressful and emotional week. My husband and I had marriage counseling early in the week, which is helpful, but always makes me emotional and kind of depressed (depressed because we even need marriage counseling in the first place). Then my husband started a 12 step support group to work on some of the acting out behaviors he struggles with. I’m glad he started the group, I think it will be good for him and he could use the friendship and accountability partners, but I was also kind of bummed because his support group gets to meet in person and I desperately wish I could find a support group for me that meets in person.

I feel like I’m dying for that face to face interaction, but the only support groups I could find for me only meet online for right now and it looks like it will be that way until at least September because of the rules of the church where they normally met before Covid. I’m still going to try to be a part of it, but it just isn’t the same. Part of me is jealous that my husband gets that in-person attention and I can’t.

On top of that, my husband and I had a fight yesterday (or more accurately, I had an emotional meltdown and he sort of closed up, not knowing how to respond). The argument was about the trip we are taking to Buffalo, NY next week and about him making plans for it that I didn’t agree to and wouldn’t like so that he could visit an old friend. More than anything, I was just upset that I felt like he didn’t even think about how any of it would affect me or make the trip harder for me.

I’m feeling like an emotional wreck.

This Winter Storm Sucks

Man, all this snow is getting me down. I haven’t been able to go out for days and am feeling a bit of cabin fever and depression. My husband (a teacher) has worked 1 day in a week and a half because school is being cancelled pretty much every day. Our roads here are pretty bad. Not Texas bad, but not good either by any stretch of the imagination.

I feel bad complaining about the weather here in Ohio, when I see all the suffering going on in Texas, but it still sucks that we are getting more and more snow, over a foot already and counting. I know Texas’s problems are not really due to the weather but more to the fact that they have their own power grid to avoid federal regulations, and some of those regulations they ignore are to help protect against cold weather like this. So their infrastructure failed. Goes to show yet again that putting profit above all and doing all you can to avoid regulations comes back to bite you in the ass eventually 😦 I still hope power is restored soon though because there are a lot of vulnerable people paying for Texas’s political mistakes.

How are you and your family doing during this winter storm? Has it affected you at all? If you are in Texas, how are things going there? I hope you are staying safe and helping each other if needed.

I’m Afraid for the Future Right Now

I was tempted to just post a poem or something today, but I know some of you are worried about me after my last post and I could use your support right now, so I’m going to share what I’m comfortable sharing about what is going on.

Those of you who have followed me for a long time have figured out some of it I’m sure. I’ve mentioned enough times how my husband is my whole world and my main support system. So it will come as no surprise that we are having trouble right now. We are not separated or planning to divorce or anything like that, but my husband made some very foolish decisions lately that hurt me deeply, destroyed my ability to trust him fully, and have set us on a long road to relationship recovery.

He didn’t fully cheat (thank God), but his inability to deal with his feelings of depression/isolation, feeling drained at work, and overwhelmed at times by being a caretaker to someone with severe chronic illness (me), caused a perfect storm, and instead of handling it the right way by communicating with me or someone who could really help, he started acting out stupidly, doing things behind my back, and lying to me.

It isn’t even so much what he did that bothers me, but the lying and sneaking around. That has to change and end. He shows an immense amount of remorse, and I can tell it is genuine. We do plan to get help by doing couples counseling. Both of us can sometimes struggle with communication when it comes to anything that might cause confrontation or that we think might upset the other and I know we need to work on that to solve this.

At this point I’m cautiously optimistic. Trust is such a hard thing for me anyway because of my abusive past, and I fear I may never be able to get that back. I think that is what I’m most scared of. And if we can’t work through that, I don’t know what to do.

The Most Successful Blogs on WordPress

Have you ever noticed that some of the biggest blogs on WordPress focus mostly on telling other bloggers how to “make it as a blogger” and “grow your blog quickly”? I noticed this a while ago myself. It makes sense, people are most likely to read a blog that posts information they find useful and practical, and since many WP readers are also bloggers who dream of huge followings and internet stardom, it makes sense that the blogs that promise that or try to help you achieve that would be most popular.

It is human nature to want what helps us to succeed. At times I have been tempted to follow the example of these large blogs and focus on commercialization, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m just not interested in focusing on follower numbers, views, and marketing strategies. I understand those things and think I could easily follow the “formula” to try to make it happen, but my passion just isn’t there.

What makes me feel alive is sharing my art, my poetry, my experiences and lessons learned from this whole crazy experience called life. I like to share my pain, my joy, my sadness, my hopes, my dreams, and my heart. I like to read other blogs that focus mostly on the same types of things. It may mean I never become a superstar, and neither will my WP friends, but I enjoy our communication and heart-to-heart connection so much more than large numbers ♥