The past week or so has been rough. Twice I’ve gotten super sick while out on short trips and had to lay down in the backseat and pray I didn’t throw up till we got home. When getting out of the car I was so dizzy I almost collapsed against the car. Chronic vestibular migraines are no joke. Feeling pretty low but hanging in there. I wish the depression and isolation didn’t set in during flare ups like this…honestly that can almost be as bad as the illness itself.
A few posts ago, I shared some information about an Asexual Book Club I started on Facebook. Well, I enjoyed it so much, I decided to start another Facebook group book club centered on the subject of living with disabilities.
The Living with Disabilities Book Club will be reading and discussing a book (fiction or nonfiction) every month about someone who lives with a disability (physical or mental). Please join if this sounds interesting to you! Our first book will be for February and has already been chosen: “Ido in Autismland – Climbing Out of Autism’s Silent Prison” by Ido Kedar.
Please let me go please let me go let me flicker out of existence for a while Let this heart still let this mind be silenced let these feelings fade until I can bear to face them again.
As many of you know, I’ve had a bunch of health problems for a long time. Even as a kid I had chronic stomach, ear, and sinus issues. At 19, I developed my first chronic pain condition. My medical rap sheet is a mile long.
But, I’ve NEVER experienced anything as disabling as these chronic migraines I’ve had the past few years. Migraines up to 20+ days a month, and pretty much ALL DAY when I have them. The longest straight stretch was 9 days of migraines. I also get excruciating neck pain, vertigo, and nausea with the migraines. Perhaps the worst thing is that when I have them, I can’t read or write. I can’t watch tv. I can’t stand to be in the car. Even if I don’t have a migraine, a long drive will almost always guarantee I’ll develop one, so we plan very few getaways, even when we want, need, and can afford them. There is no escape. Just long days and nights laying in the dark silence, hoping to God the pain stops.
So far meds haven’t worked too well. Botox didn’t work. Tomorrow I try my first nerve block and I’m cautiously hopeful. Still, through it all, I try to remember how lucky I am that I don’t have to work, as I have no clue how I could ever hold down a job like this. I’m thankful that my husband is committed to taking care of me and loving me even when life sucks. I’m glad my kitties bring me a smile. I’m glad to have social media to vent to lol. Looking for things to be grateful for makes you feel better, even at your worst.
I got my first weighted blanket today, and I have to say, I am loving it! It really is comforting and helpful to anxiety. It makes the chronic muscle aches of fibromyalgia feel a bit better too. I started with a 10 pound blanket, because I could barely lift the 15 or 20 pound ones without throwing my back out lol. Plus, I have always been one that likes a lighter touch rather than a super heavy touch, even with massage and things like that.
I think the 10 pound blanket will be perfect for anxiety attacks, but I might get a little lighter one (6 pound maybe) for daily use, just to sit around with while I work and such. These blankets might really be a game changer for me though! I can feel it already!
If you have anxiety or chronic pain, you might want to look into them if you haven’t already! Of course, they are great for autism too, which was another plus for me. I would also recommend the ones that come with the sherpa fleece covers! They are so soft and cozy!!!
This morning I woke up thinking about my online reputation and what I would like it to be. When others read my poetry and personal blog posts (especially the ones having to do with mental illness, autism, or chronic pain/chronic illness) the things I strive to represent are honesty, openness, relatable vulnerability, realistic hope when possible, comforting solidarity, the healing power of sharing our pain, and the courage and inspiration to keep going, even when things feel hopeless.
However, since I myself struggle from mental illness and chronic pain, being transparent and honest means that often my viewpoint comes across as dark and bleak. I don’t try to hide that or tone it down when it happens, because to me, that is part of being honest and vulnerable enough to share what the experience of dealing with those issues is like on a daily basis. Putting a happy face on it would be lying.
My only worry is that sometimes the reality of dealing with daily mental and physical pain is that you can start to sound whiny. Part of me says, “well, of course, you are going to sound whiny now and then if you are in pain all the time! No shit!”, but for some reason our culture makes whining out to be such a negative thing that most of us want to avoid that look at all costs.
Maybe we as readers and audiences have to decide rather we really want full honesty and openness (even if it includes some whining and negativity) or if we pretend to want the truth, but in reality just want a short, scrubbed clean, feel good version of life. I know which I prefer, but I guess everyone has to decide for themselves.
These migraines are killing me. Today’s the 8th day in a row, beating my last record of 7 days. It is affecting my whole life. I can barely function.
The stress of dealing with marriage counseling and the hurt over my husband’s online behavior that I see as a betrayal of our relationship is probably playing a big role in this particular flareup, which makes me feel resentful too. Almost like he is putting me through this. He is doing everything he can to make amends, and I deeply appreciate that, but the hurt is still there.
I have to debate every day whether I should even take migraine relieving medicine (no matter how much pain I am in) as I run the risk of causing rebound migraines if I take more than a few pills a week. It is SO frustrating 😦
Three days straight of migraines that won’t go away. They’ll ease up a bit when I take migraine medicine, but then they come back. Sadly, my migraine medicine (Sumatriptan) is one that you aren’t supposed to take more than 4 pills a week, so I don’t know what I’m going to do if they keep coming back. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. If I’m not very active on WP, you’ll understand why.
As my regular readers know, occasionally I will partner with another company or website to share information that I feel may genuinely help some of my audience. Today, I’m sharing this post from AgingInPlace about the Top 10 Best CBD Creams for Pain – Top Picks for Seniors.
I know many of my readers do suffer from chronic pain and are senior citizens, so I thought maybe this information might help some of you. Of course, I am not yet a senior citizen, but I have still found that CBD has helped my own pain quite a bit. It can be intimidating at first to know which CBD company to give a try (there are simply SO many out there!), so hopefully this resource can help narrow down the choices.
If you have experience using any of these products or just CBD in general, feel free to chime in and tell us how it worked for you in the comments!