The past few days have not been the greatest. I’ve been both super anxious and fairly depressed. I guess it is probably what most people would call a mixed state in the bipolar community. I feel on edge all the time. My brain is constantly telling me something is wrong and that I need to fix it, but I don’t know what it is. The depression is telling me that I am worthless, no one really likes me anyway, and everything I do is pointless.
The depression is making me feel never good enough. It is times like these that no matter what I achieved, I would probably still feel a failure. If I suddenly won the Pulitzer Prize in poetry or had my art showcased at the Louvre, I would still find fault with it and myself in this particular mood. It is a hellish feeling.
This depression is interlaced with anxiety that pushes me to want to achieve, achieve, achieve right now, but in this state I am so all over the place that it is hard to concentrate on anything for long. Not to mention that the depression makes me feel like it is all futile anyhow, even as my whirling mind is telling me that I’m not trying hard enough.
All of this is heightening my chronic pain. I hurt so bad deep in my muscles, I feel like I have been tortured on the medieval rack.
Well, things are still a bit rough. My back is still not doing great although it has been a slight bit better. I have been able to cut back a little bit on the pain killers, which I am thankful for. I hate having to take opioids too often. Unfortunately, I did trip over my TENS unit cord and that didn’t do my back or my knees and legs a lot of good:
I was thankful the fall didn’t make my back way worse though as that easily could have happened.
Yesterday I even felt up to going down to a nearby thrift store and just walking around a little bit to see if I could loosen my back up any. I even found a new Eeyore to add to my collection while there (the pink and light blue one on the far right):
Eeyore is my spirit animal….unfortunately.
Well, my back is no better after 5 days, so I ended up visiting the ER last night. They gave me a steroid shot and 2 trigger point injections. It was the first time I’ve had trigger point injections and they hurt like hell! Luckily, the pain is brief, but I couldn’t help yelling out a bit in pain and squeezing my husband’s hand like a stress ball during the procedure.
Unfortunately, the shots didn’t seem to work. I’m not any better than I was before going to the ER. That makes me think that it is probably my spine causing the issue – either my degenerative disc disease or my bulging discs. At the ER doc’s suggestion, I also bought a TENS unit and have tried it out a couple times. I’m not sure it is helping either, but I figure at this point I’ll try anything.
I’m so very tired of this constant pain. This is enough to drive a person crazy.
Sorry I haven’t written in a few days. I threw my back/neck out again and it has been bad. Probably the worst it has ever been. I have been constantly downing pain killers and muscle relaxers and still no change. Usually the worst only lasts a day or two during these flareups, but now I’m on day 3 and it still hurts to move in any direction.
Naturally, this has me rather depressed too. I had appointments and fun plans this weekend that I had to cancel due to the pain. I feel like it doesn’t matter how hard I try to be social or how much I try to take good care of myself, my efforts always end up jinxed.
This is why I normally end up isolating myself, because I feel like all my health issues make me unreliable. It feels like no matter how understanding other people are, when I have to call off at the last minute several times, they start to get frustrated (and understandably so).
I just wish this horrible pain would pass.
My migraine, neck, and back issues have been flaring up on and off ever since my bad MRI experience almost two weeks ago. I feel like I’m not getting anything done and am struggling to get the bare minimum of my daily routine done. All this has me feeling depressed and has killed my enthusiasm for the new book I started writing.
The logical side of me knows the pain will eventually subside, but while I am stuck in this misery it feels infinite and everlasting. Chronic pain wears you down, destroys creativity, and can stomp all over your goals – at least anything short term. I hope I’ll be back to normal someday soon.
First off, I want to thank the person who made a supportive donation to my blog through Paypal today! I believe this is the second donation I’ve received that way and I really appreciate the support! If you are interested in ways to support me, please check out the Support My Blog page on this website.
Also, I got some good news today that I don’t have to do the second part of the MRI that went disastrously last week. That is such a relief. I was afraid if I did the rest of the MRI it would just trigger another migraine. The MRI results I did receive were pretty good, with no seeming worsening of my cervical issues! Thank goodness!
I did have to visit the GI doctor today and found out I need to have an endoscopy, which I am nervous about, but I realize it is important if they are to find out why I am having such horrible bouts of esophageal pain and difficulty swallowing. At least I will be sedated for the procedure and hopefully won’t feel or be aware of what they do. My appointment for that test isn’t until next month, so at least I get a little break from medical tests.
That headline is not an exaggeration. First off, my MRIs went bad. I had MRIs for my brain and neck scheduled last night, both with and without contrast. I didn’t even get to the contrast part because the first part gave me a migraine, triggered severe neck pain, and gave me a major panic attack. I was almost sobbing by the time they got ready to give me the contrast, so they sent me home.
I left feeling embarrassed for not being able to keep myself from crying in public yet again. I also felt feelings of failure as I couldn’t do something as simple as completing two MRIs. Now I have to contact the neurologist that ordered the tests and tell him I wasn’t able to make it through and see if he wants to make separate orders for the contrast part. So, I might have to go through it again soon.
Also, we ate at a local restaurant yesterday that served me some bloody chicken. I didn’t notice right away because the blood pooled beneath the chicken breast. Anyhow, last night I got really sick and had to sleep with a trashcan beside me. I took both Mylanta and Zofran and nothing helped the nausea. I suspect I might have gotten a little bit of food poisoning from the underdone chicken.
At least I’m not fighting down vomit anymore, but still feeling nauseated and sick. Understandably, all this has made my mood rather blah too. I just want to huddle under the covers and hide from reality right now.
The past few days have been rough. My back went out again, so my upper back and neck have been causing extreme pain again. I think the gluten free diet isn’t really helping much, as all the things I thought it was helping have suddenly flared up the last couple weeks. My GERD has been awful to the point I’ve had trouble swallowing again, the night sweats are back, and I seem to be having a widespread inflammation flare-up again.
I know I shouldn’t have put so much hope on the diet to solve all these issues, but I feel like I’m so desperate for something to make me better that I often put high expectations on each new treatment idea, hoping it will be “the one”. Of course, I probably need to accept that since I have Ehlers Danlos (a genetic connective tissue disorder), that nothing is probably going to be that cure-all I have been hoping to find.
How I wish that there was a cure to whatever is going on inside me. I often long for one of those scanners like they have on Star Trek that could easily pinpoint exactly what is going on and what the treatment should be without being invasive. I guess I was born too early for that. We might be headed that way technologically, but it is probably well off on the horizon.
This hasn’t been a great week for me. I’ve been struggling with headaches, earaches, fatigue, and stomach issues physically, and then on top of that I’ve been rather depressed and lethargic. Last weekend we were supposed to go to a baby animals festival I always love, but I didn’t feel up to it either day. Tomorrow is my 16th wedding anniversary, but I don’t feel much like celebrating, even though I am very thankful for my wonderful husband.
We also found out that my husband’s health insurance through his work is going up $100 a month and that I might actually be dropped from the plan now that I have SSDI and can get Medicare. I’m not sure how that might affect my current healthcare and doctors. I really hate our healthcare system here in America.
I guess a couple of good things I can concentrate on are that I just hit over 2,000 Instagram followers, and am only 5 subscribers away from 1,000 followers here on WordPress! If you don’t follow me already, please help me reach that goal!!! I would be most grateful and it would make me smile.