I’ve been having suicidal thoughts the past couple days. I’ve been horribly depressed, feeling alienated and isolated, and wondering what in the hell I’m doing with my life. So pretty much, same old, same old – at least for a deeply depressed state.
Although I often have suicidal thoughts in this state, they are not accompanied with an actual plan and the will to act on them – at least not yet. I think my life would have to be in full free-fall for me to actually consider acting on these feelings. To this day, although I have fantasized and thought about my own death many, many times, I have never actually attempted suicide.
One doctor said these were passive suicidal thoughts, and I agree. In this mood, I think of all kinds of ways I could die – both accidental and otherwise, but I don’t take it further.
So now that I’ve explained where I’m at…the question. Should suicidal thoughts of this nature be shared? I do share them with my therapist, at least if I remember to at the next session, but I struggle with rather to share them with my husband for instance.
He knows I’m depressed. He knows I have struggled off and on with suicidal thoughts, but should I make him aware of when I’m actually having them or would that just needlessly worry and stress him out since I don’t intend to act on them?
I normally don’t hide much of anything I’m feeling emotionally from my husband (he can usually tell anyway), but is it better to not give specific details sometimes? Is the relief I might get from talking about them worth the concern it would cause him? What do you think?
The last few days have been rough. I’ve been dealing with dark, obsessive thoughts that I know aren’t healthy for me to dwell on. Dark thoughts of restlessness, dark thoughts of jealousy and resentment, dark thoughts about relationships and craving attention, and dark thoughts about life and death. Craving attention might not sound like such a bad thing, but the negative part is some of the twisted ways my brain comes up with to get it. Luckily, I don’t act on these dark thoughts, so I must have a good amount of self-control, but the obsessiveness of the thought patterns bother me.
I feel a little bit like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde at times (which I actually reread recently for the first time since childhood). There is a really good side to me, but there is definitely a dark side as well, and when that dark side becomes obsessive and stuck in a groove, the intensity of my thoughts and emotions can become a bit frightening to myself.
I’m not entirely sure what causes these bouts of dark fantasizing. The ocd? The C-PTSD? Mood disorder? The anxious/avoidant attachment style I developed from a dysfunctional family system?
Today I’ve been trying to stay busy in an attempt to distract myself and it has helped some, but my brain is like a boomerang that just keeps circling back around to the same place again and again. It is exhausting to be honest.
Do you ever wonder if it all matters? I sure do. I try to be positive most of the time when I think about the things I do and whether they make a difference, but when I get depressed, the voices of doubt tend to get louder. They say some pretty mean things:
Are you just wasting your time writing and making art? Who really cares?
Why would anyone care what you have to say? Who do you think you are?
You try to support others, but do they even notice? Does it even help them?
You only focus so much on art and writing because you can’t keep a REAL job.
Your own family never cared that much about you, why would anyone else?
If you died today, barely anyone would notice or care. Your funeral would be empty.
You are selfish and everyone sees through you.
You are a drain on your husband and society in general.
I know these are very negative (some would even say abusive) thoughts, but when I am feeling low, they play in my head like a stuck record. By writing them out, I am hoping they will finally shut the hell up. Do any of these thoughts (or similar ones) ever haunt you?