I thought I wanted
to be an actress,
but now I realize,
I only wanted
the chance
to be someone else.
Tag: emotional
2 Emotional Abstract Expressionism Artworks
I created these two emotionally charged ACEO abstract artworks not long ago. The first was sort of a cry of frustration when I was having trouble writing new poetry that I felt was any good:
This second piece was sort of a plea to the world and to those around me specifically to see me as I really am, a feeling that is pretty common when you feel misunderstood (as I’m sure we all do from time to time):
I hope you like them 🙂 Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments! If you want to see my art currently for sale, check out my Ebay store!
Poetry – Let Me Try Not to Think
Let me try not
to think.
I want to remain
dimly conscious
of the fact
that the bravest
man amongst us
will never overcome
the innate fear
he harbors
towards himself.
Poetry – Killing My Cat
Monday appointment
3pm
$41 for the medicine of death
$90 to turn you to ash
cancer is no
respecter
of species
Spyder,
what would you say
if you knew
what was coming?
The question haunts me
and you aren’t even
dead yet
Poetry – Stuck
Stuck
not sure where to go
so many roads
limited time
stalled
pick foot up
put back down
repeat.
Am I moving forward
or standing still?
The shadows move
but my footprints
stay right here.
Ghost Hunting and Ear Infections
Man, I’m pretty bummed today. I was supposed to go ghost hunting at a local cemetery with a paranormal investigation group, but yesterday my earache turned into a raging ear infection and between the ear pain and the nausea from the antibiotics, I had to choose to stay home and rest. I guess there will likely be other opportunities, but still wish I could have gone.
Among other news, my first SSDI payment got messed up and didn’t come. Took me two days and multiple phone calls to multiple agencies to get it solved and will hopefully get my payment within the next couple weeks. I had a huge meltdown over the whole situation Thursday, which probably didn’t help my immune system and may have contributed to my current infection. I can’t help but notice that my already weak immune system takes a nosedive when I’m stressed or upset.
Even thinking about it now makes me mad lol. The worst part was that the automated phone answering systems would NOT let me talk to a live person for the longest time! Ugh. It was like a labyrinth to find my way through to talk to a living, breathing human. I realize this post is pretty negative and maybe a bit whiny lol, but that’s where I’m at today. Hope you are all feeling better than I am at the moment!
Poetry (Haiku) – Grow Up
Grow up, they all say
But when I try to plant roots
they poison the soil
(Written for a #haikudaily tag on Twitter, theme was “grow”)
Poetry: Unspeakable Childhood
‘Twas horrible to think
that she suffered
an unspeakable childhood.
Every day they reopened
the contentions –
old ones
that she could not
tear away.
Mischief and dread
became more likely
than right and wrong –
causing heads to hit
hard against circumstances
almost as good
as she once was.
(Blackout poetry created from a page of “Great Expectations” by Charles Dickens)
Poetry: Second First Love
I hated you
the first time we met.
You had replaced my old love
before I had the chance
to even say goodbye.
You dared to appear
right as he vanished –
and for that
you had to take the blame.
Afraid of Living
I am not afraid to die –
but I am not yet
unafraid of living.
I’m not sure I have ever written truer words than the 3-line poem above. This little gem came to me while taking a bath last night, so I repeated it to myself like a mantra until I got out of the tub and could write it down.
It is true that I am not afraid of death. I am a bit afraid of the actual feeling of dying, mostly because of the instinctual anxiety I fear it would bring. However, I am not afraid of being dead. In fact, I rather look forward to it. If there is something after death, it will be awesome to explore and find out what else is out there. If there is nothing after death, it will just be like the times I have passed out or been put out for surgery…simply a loss of consciousness which often sounds like a relief in itself. No more worrying. No more pain. No more anxiety or depression.
However, living is scary. Knowing I may have years and years of dealing with anxiety and depression ahead of me. Knowing that I will likely suffer from chronic pain and chronic illness until I die. Knowing that my degenerative conditions will likely worsen with time. Fearing that my husband may get sick or die and I will be alone. Fearing financial ruin. Fearing homelessness. Fearing potentially abusive situations. Fearing the entire planet going to shit (a justifiable fear from my point of view). Fearing that I may end up committing suicide if life becomes unbearable (not the ending I would desire for my life).
Maranda Russell 