You’ll Regret It All

soren-kierkegaard

I recently came across the following quote by philosopher Soren Kierkegaard, and it really struck me as deeply true, at least for me. No matter what I choose to do or choose not to do in life, there is always a part of me that wonders if I made the right choice and won’t shut up with the “what ifs”:

“Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it… Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.”

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Video: Art Insecurity

I’ve been feeling a lot of art insecurity lately, so decided to make a video about it:

Feeling Invisible

Invisible_man movie clip, public domain

Any of you ever feel invisible? Most likely, you are human, so you have felt that way at some point in your life. Unfortunately, I feel that way a lot. I’m not sure if it is the bipolar, the autism, or the fact that I am simply a hermit, but I struggle with feelings of invisibility a lot and sometimes feeling like I don’t even really exist, which is a super weird feeling in itself.

Anyhow, as I was feeling pretty darn invisible lately, I looked up some quotes about the feeling and decided to share a few of my favorites here:

“It would be too easy to say that I feel invisible. Instead, I feel painfully visible and entirely ignored.” ~ David Levithan

“I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me.” ~ Ralph Ellison

“But most days, I wander around feeling invisible. Like I’m a speck of dust floating in the air that can only be seen when a shaft of light hits it.” ~ Sonya Sones

And lastly, some words from our old friend Eeyore:

“I didn’t notice you were here.”
“That’s all right,” Eeyore said as he sat down. “Nobody ever does.”

Why Stars Explode

exploding-star-Veil-Nebula-nasa-reuters

Why Stars Explode
Written By: Maranda Russell

Feeling lonely tonight,
wondering if the night sky
knows how I feel –
it seems like she would.

All that emptiness,
the vast space between each star,
perhaps that is the real reason stars explode –
not because of heat,
not because of age,
but simply due to the overwhelming shadow
cast by their own isolation.

Brutally Honest Writings from a Depressive State

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Today I thought I’d share a few excerpts and snippets from journal entries written while I was in a deeply depressive state. Often, writing these thoughts and feelings out has been healing and maybe even life saving, as it gives me a way to focus the negativity without harming myself. I hope that by sharing these very personal thoughts, that it might help others who struggle with depression to feel less alone, and give those who don’t quite understand true depression a feel for the mental suffering endured by the clinically depressed:

“I’m so anxious today. I feel that there is little hope of my brain ever letting me live in peace. I’m so exhausted by the pain, fear, and despair of existence. I wish there was a simple ‘check out’ button when you can’t deal with life. I don’t want to harm myself but I don’t want to live this way anymore either.”

“I think way too much about death – always have. Death to me always represented freedom, a way out of unbearable life circumstances.”

“I often feel (and sometimes am certain I KNOW) that I am far more mentally ill than anyone else notices. I believe I hide it well, but often feel on the edge of snapping.”

“Only my pride and fear of complete loss of control restrain me from self-annihilation in the worst of my moments.”

“I don’t want to be hospitalized, I don’t want to cross that line, but I wonder sometimes if that is what I need.”

“I am so tired of fighting these self-destructive impulses and wondering what in the hell is wrong with me that I have them in the first place.”

“Why am I tempted while riding in the car to grab the steering wheel and spin us into oncoming traffic? I cross my arms tightly just to make sure I don’t act the thought out.”

“Why do I feel such a depth of emptiness and despair that I lay in bed wanting to sink my teeth into my skin until the pain finally ebbs away?”

“Why do I fear physical pain more than anything in life, yet feel the urge to inflict it on myself?”

“There are no good options. All this rage, anger, and pain. If I inflict it on others…I hate myself. If I inflict it on myself…I hate myself. There are no good options.”

(If you like this post and would like to see more, please comment and let me know! I was thinking of maybe sharing more of these in the future if anyone finds them helpful.)

Video diary/blog (video 2) art as therapy

So here is the 2nd installment of my new video diary/blog series. This video talks about creativity, art and its therapeutic uses. I hope you enjoy the video and that it inspires you to indulge in some art therapy of your own! If you watch the video, please consider giving it a thumbs up on YouTube or even leaving a comment!

Having communication problems doesn’t mean that we don’t have feelings!

Last night I had an interesting dream about someone I hadn’t thought about in a long, long time. In this dream, I was once again being antagonized by a boy I knew many years ago in my early teen years. This boy really hurt my feelings more than he will probably ever know. Although he was around me a lot and even hung out some with the same friends I did, he made it clear almost from the start that he did not like me. Now, I will have to be fair and say that at least he wasn’t like the girl bullies I knew who were passive aggressive and exceptionally cruel at times. Instead, he was very upfront about his feelings concerning me. What hurt was how misunderstood he made me feel.

You see, I didn’t know at the time that I had Asperger’s Syndrome (a type of autism), so I had no clue that I was neurologically different than most people, nor did I understand that I was very ignorant of social norms and such. This boy took a dislike to me because I was “weird” and would say so right out loud in front of everyone. He would also explain how it didn’t matter what anyone said or did to me because I had no feelings and nobody would ever hurt me. To him, this justified any ill treatment of me. He thought since I didn’t cry or get visibly angry or show other strong emotions that I felt nothing. But he was wrong. Very wrong.

I felt it all very deeply, I just didn’t know how to respond or react. I often wanted to dispute his feelings and make him see who I really was, but I didn’t know how. I wasn’t sure how to put my feelings and emotions into words. I could easily discuss practical or logical matters and personal interests, but when it came to putting my feelings into words and sharing them I was often mute.

I still have those problems to this day. Often, by the time I do figure out my feelings and how to express them, it is long after an event or discussion has ended, so I feel that I should just keep them to myself because I don’t want to dredge it all back up or I just honestly think the people involved really don’t care to hear what I have to say. Sometimes I do try to talk to someone long after something occurs in an effort just to try to help them understand me better, but often those conversations turn into them thinking I am just immature and unforgiving. They don’t understand that I don’t want to discuss a situation until I feel confident that I can understand and express my feelings. They also often misread or misinterpret what I say and feel, making me feel like the bad guy, which makes me less likely to keep trying.

So in case you were wondering what my point is, please keep in mind that some people may not outwardly show strong feelings and emotions, they may not even know how to decipher their emotions right away…but it doesn’t mean they do not have them just as strongly as you do. And know that many people with problems like mine are walking around undiagnosed (especially the women) and may not get a diagnosis for a long, long time. They may have no idea why they react the way they do either. So please just be careful when throwing around labels like “weird”, “immature”, “selfish”, “unfeeling”, “uncaring”, etc. You may not know it, but you could be very, very wrong and deeply hurting a gentle, caring human being who just has a few communication problems that make life far more confusing.