Brutally Honest Writings from a Depressive State

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Today I thought I’d share a few excerpts and snippets from journal entries written while I was in a deeply depressive state. Often, writing these thoughts and feelings out has been healing and maybe even life saving, as it gives me a way to focus the negativity without harming myself. I hope that by sharing these very personal thoughts, that it might help others who struggle with depression to feel less alone, and give those who don’t quite understand true depression a feel for the mental suffering endured by the clinically depressed:

“I’m so anxious today. I feel that there is little hope of my brain ever letting me live in peace. I’m so exhausted by the pain, fear, and despair of existence. I wish there was a simple ‘check out’ button when you can’t deal with life. I don’t want to harm myself but I don’t want to live this way anymore either.”

“I think way too much about death – always have. Death to me always represented freedom, a way out of unbearable life circumstances.”

“I often feel (and sometimes am certain I KNOW) that I am far more mentally ill than anyone else notices. I believe I hide it well, but often feel on the edge of snapping.”

“Only my pride and fear of complete loss of control restrain me from self-annihilation in the worst of my moments.”

“I don’t want to be hospitalized, I don’t want to cross that line, but I wonder sometimes if that is what I need.”

“I am so tired of fighting these self-destructive impulses and wondering what in the hell is wrong with me that I have them in the first place.”

“Why am I tempted while riding in the car to grab the steering wheel and spin us into oncoming traffic? I cross my arms tightly just to make sure I don’t act the thought out.”

“Why do I feel such a depth of emptiness and despair that I lay in bed wanting to sink my teeth into my skin until the pain finally ebbs away?”

“Why do I fear physical pain more than anything in life, yet feel the urge to inflict it on myself?”

“There are no good options. All this rage, anger, and pain. If I inflict it on others…I hate myself. If I inflict it on myself…I hate myself. There are no good options.”

(If you like this post and would like to see more, please comment and let me know! I was thinking of maybe sharing more of these in the future if anyone finds them helpful.)

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Fighting Fear

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“Fighting Back from the Inside” drawing by Maranda Russell

Fighting Fear
Written by: Maranda Russell

I took fear by the hand
and shook him until I heard
the sound of his yellow bones
popping in and out of place.

I pushed him down the stairs,
his skull cracking
against the white, stone steps
on his way to the finale.

He hit the basement floor,
his form a worthless gray lump,
emitting the mocking voices
no muzzle can silence.

Still, I must close the door
at least one more time
and pretend not to hear.
So I do.

Horror movies…are you a fan or a foe?

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This weekend I’ve been catching up on my horror movies. Last night I caught a flick that was obviously a SAW knock-off and another movie called “The Bunnyman”, which was about a killer who dressed in a bunny suit (yeah, it was about as scary as it sounds). Tonight, I am watching a movie about spoiled, ungrateful grandkids and their dead grandmother who wants to get revenge for being ignored all her life. Not sure how that one is going to turn out, but guessing that the airheaded girls the boys brought over to party are going to die pretty soon.

Anyhow, catching up on my scary quota has gotten me thinking about the debate around horror movies. Some people believe that horror movies are psychologically damaging and that the violence contained in them encourages violence in real life. Others, such as Stephen King (the master of scary himself) believe that horror movies are just for fun or good for letting off steam. Once I read an essay by King which explained that in his opinion, watching horror movies gives us a “safe” way to get out our baser emotions and instincts so that we don’t act on those feelings in real life.

My opinion is that horror movies are often good for a laugh (many of them are more funny than scary). I also think that horror movies can be a good way to feel better about your own life since (hopefully) you aren’t currently being tortured or murdered. I do think many horror movies are stupid and pointless which may be why I prefer psychological thrillers and supernatural scaryness to the predictable “slasher” flicks. I also prefer ones that have some kind of good triumphing against evil in the end. I don’t really enjoy movies where all the “good guys” die in the end because there seems to be no real resolution. Of course, those are personal preferences though.

So, how do you feel about horror movies?

“The Fish Who Swam Too Far” picture book review

As a fellow scaredy-cat, I must admit that I really related to Harry, the main character of the new picture book “The Fish Who Swam Too Far”. Written by Danielle Kirrane, this little tale is about a clownfish who is so afraid of the world around him that he refuses to leave his mother’s side. Because of his cowardice, Harry’s siblings tease him mercilessly. Eventually, the teasing becomes more than Harry can bear, causing him to run away in anger. Before he realizes it, he has wandered too far and ends up having to face the very things he had always feared so much.

Before the story comes to its satisfying conclusion, many important themes are brought up, such as bravery, kindness, friendship and family loyalty. Whether your little one is a daredevil or a cautious tike, this story is sure to entertain them and reinforce the importance of self-confidence in every situation, even those that might be scary and new. The illustrations that accompany the text are simple but beautifully done. I especially liked the facial expressions on the characters, it really brought the story to life for me.

If you would like to find out more about this book, please visit the author’s website, http://daniellekirrane.tateauthor.com/. There you will find a link to the book trailer on YouTube, information on where to order the book and other fun stuff like contests and giveaways.