fears

Doctor Anxiety

| marandarussell

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Today I finally see my psychiatrist for the first time in several months. I’ve been looking forward to this, but also dreading it. I feel like something is definitely off with my meds. I’ve been extremely depressed the last few months and lethargic as well. I feel disconnected from pretty much everyone and everything. So I feel anxiety partly because I fear the doctor WON’T change my meds, and things will stay like they have been, but I also feel a lot of anxiety that the doctor WILL change my meds, because then who knows what will happen? Maybe I’ll get better, but what if the new meds make me worse? All this really makes you realize how fragile the brain really is, and how easy it is to upset its delicate balance.

Anyhow, if any of you out there believe in prayer or sending good thoughts or any of that kind of stuff, please send me good vibes today and wish me the best!

*Art by Maranda Russell

Author Self-Interview! (Fun Facts About Me)

| marandarussell

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So the idea and questions for this post come from the Usborne “My First Story Writing Book” which is an awesome resource for helping kids learn creative writing skills! I thought it would be fun to answer some of the questions they ask myself and share!

I live with…
Myself
My husband, Steve
My 3 cats (Spyder, Mao Mao, and Icky)
Depression
Yearning

The most unusual thing about me is…
I’m a physical and mental trainwreck (who knows what is actually wrong with me???)

My worst fear is…
My husband dying.
Being alone.
Having to support myself entirely.
Spiders getting into my ears.
Getting sicker or being in even more pain.

I feel happy when…
People appreciate and compliment me.
When I am being creative!

My biggest ambition is…
Make more money as a freelance writer/book reviewer (maybe review books for bigger companies).
Work with kids again. Maybe hold more children’s writing workshops in the future.
Grow my blog/vlogs.
Advocate for those with chronic illness and mental illness.
Sell more art on ebay!

My first memory is…
Riding in a stroller and being frustrated that I couldn’t get out!

I was a paranoid kid…is that normal?

| marandarussell

Tonight I’ve been thinking about what a paranoid kid I used to be. I started thinking about the subject when 3 of my cats started acting totally crazy tonight. For some reason they are agitated, anxious messes and seem to think there is something scary in one area of the house, even though I see nothing there. It was starting to creep me out a bit since I am the only adult awake in the house right now. So those thoughts brought back childhood fears and paranoid delusions. Now I am wondering is every kid the freaked out mess I was? Here are a few examples:

  • As a kid I firmly believed that Satan lived under my bed. I have no recollection of where this idea came from, but it was firm. If I happened to have an arm or a leg hanging over the edge of the bed at night, I believed that was an invitation to Satan to grab hold of me and pull me under into Hell. Even after all these years, I still find myself unconsciously trying to keep from having an arm or leg dangle off the bed
  • I also believed that at night three witches would meet in my room to brew potions and cast spells. As long as they thought I was asleep, I thought I would be safe, but I knew if they noticed I was awake, they would have to kill me.
  • One of my childhood friends (I can’t remember who) told me that Freddy Krueger could get to you through the bath tub drain. His metal hand would come up and slice you to death right in the tub. For that reason I was super scared to take a bath for a while.
  • Then there were my dreams. One of a group of nuns abducting me, tying me up and sewing my mouth shut so I couldn’t scream. Another of Jesus visiting and turning into Satan right before my eyes. The one where my mom and dad were getting married in my grandparents’ yard and Satan showed up, wrapped his cape around them and took them to Hell in a fiery exit. And last, but not least, the great cosmic dream where God and Satan fought a major battle over my living room coffee table (apparently it was their biggest fight to date for some reason). Can you tell yet, that I seemed to have a childhood obsession with Satan for some reason? Maybe it was because my grandfather was a hellfire and brimstone preacher…honestly, I really don’t remember why I feared Satan so much.

So what do you think? Was I extra-neurotic as a kid or are these pretty common fears among children? What were your weird fears as a kid?