help

I Don’t Owe Anyone Anything

| marandarussell

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Yesterday I had rather a bit of a breakthrough moment. Now, to most people with healthy backgrounds and relationships, this will likely be a bit of a “duh” moment, but to people like me who were groomed to be codependent caretakers, it is an immensely important realization.

My “eureka moment” can be summed up in one sentence:

I don’t owe anyone ANYTHING, and no one owes me ANYTHING.

Of course, this does not mean that I can’t give to others out of the goodness of my heart, or that they can do the same, but none of us should feel required to do so. I would say the one exception to this rule would probably be children. If you bring children into this world, you do owe them something – and that is to do your best at providing them a safe, stable, and loving childhood. I guess pets fit that category as well. If you sign up to take care of something that can’t care for itself, you are essentially accepting that responsibility.

Outside of that, I’m not sure if any of us should feel like we have to fully take care of others emotionally, mentally, physically, or materially. We all have a responsibility to do our best to meet our own needs, and while that may mean reaching out for help now and then, we have to realize that sometimes we may be turned down and that is ok. If so, we just need to keep looking I suppose.

As someone with disabilities though, I do want to say that I do feel it is vitally important to have public programs and assistance available (whether these be government or charity systems) for those of us who sometimes struggle more than others at being “functioning adults”. To me, it is just a simple matter of society welfare and empathy that should strive to help anyone who falls through the cracks.

Wisdom Teeth Surgery Aftermath…

| marandarussell

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Well, I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday and am actually feeling much better than expected. Sure, I am sore and it hurts to eat and brush, or open my mouth very wide, but honestly, this pain is NOTHING compared to the agony I often experience due to fibromyalgia, plantar fasciitis, and back/neck issues. I have been really tired, but I assume that is partly due to the aftereffects of the sedation.

After coming home yesterday, I spent the rest of the evening lying in bed, either napping, watching YouTube, tv, or reading. It was actually kind of an enjoyable, relaxing night. I didn’t quite look my best, but who does after surgery?:

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Luckily, I don’t remember any of the procedure at all. I remember the nurse asking me to move up the table before I got too groggy, and then that is the last thing I remember. I never even started feeling groggy, I was just OUT lol.

When I came to, I didn’t have any weird thoughts, conversations, or anything like that. I instantly knew where I was and what was going on. The first thing I asked (by text because I couldn’t speak with all the gauze in my mouth) was if they had broken my jaw during the surgery, which luckily, they didn’t have to do. I didn’t have any trouble getting up and walking out to the car, and only had a couple minutes of nausea on the way home, but nothing major. No throwing up or anything bad like that. I did take my opioid medication twice yesterday, but have been able to go without it so far today.

There was some post-op bleeding, but nothing too bad, although I did have to wash my pillow after following asleep and drooling blood all over it yesterday. One of my stitches already came loose, which has been annoying me, but I’m trying really hard to not pick at it. Overall, I’m so glad it is all over and very grateful that the recovery hasn’t been as bad as I feared so far!

You Can Now Support My Blog Via PayPal if You Wish :)

| marandarussell

I finally figured out how to set up a PayPal link here on WordPress! Please excuse my technological shortcomings, I’m not exactly the most efficient coder or anything like that.

Anyhow, if anyone would like to support my blog efforts, you can now donate any amount directly to my PayPal:

You can also access this PayPal link at any time on my website sidebar and the “Support My Blog” page.

I don’t expect a lot of donations, but if anyone does wish to help out it is definitely appreciated! Any money donated will most likely be applied to website maintenance fees (domain registration, WordPress account upgrades, etc.) If donations ever started regularly coming in, I would likely also try to invest in some advertising for the blog or use it for computer maintenance/repairs and stuff like that.

I Dreamed I Was Black Last Night

| marandarussell

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I had an interesting dream last night and thought I would share, partly just because I found it weird and wonder what it meant, and partly because I think maybe there was a pearl of wisdom to be found in it about race relations.

In the dream my family and I were scared because a tornado was announced to be coming straight at our home. We don’t have a basement, so we ran to the neighbors’ house to beg them to take us in and give us shelter in their basement. The first family we asked said no. Interestingly, they were the same race as we were in the dream. The second family (a white couple with a baby) agreed, and not only did they take us in, but they offered to take in another family as well.

Now, at this point it is necessary to say that while I am about as white as you can get in real life, in the dream, myself and all my family were black, and it didn’t seem the slightest bit odd or out of place that our race had changed. The other family our neighbors agreed to take in was black as well. I remember looking around at all of us gathered together and thinking that the white couple was probably uncomfortable around that many black people. Weird thought to have, but it is honestly what I thought in the dream.

While we were all huddling together in the basement, the tornado hit and it was an experience I will never forget. It was SO painful physically. The force of the noise and the vibration was agonizing. In the dream all of us started screaming simply to try to release some of the tension in our heads and bodies from the vibration and furious sounds. I have no idea if that is what a real tornado is like or not, but it shocks me even now to think of how much it hurt in the dream and how vicious it was. It almost makes me wonder if past lives are a real thing, and if they are, if I didn’t endure a tornado in a past life. Maybe someone out there can tell me if that is anything like what a real tornado feels like.

That was pretty much the end of the dream. We all survived and the damage wasn’t really that bad to the house. But the whole race relations thing has been niggling at me all day. I feel there is something profound there for me to learn. If you want to take a shot at dream interpretation, please feel free to give it a shot in the comments!

Fan Q&A: Favorite Musicians, Autism and Romance, Suicidal Thoughts

| marandarussell

Hello! Today I’m sharing my most recent fan Q&A video from my YouTube vlog. In it I discuss my favorite musicians besides Michael Jackson and Nirvana, whether I believe having high-functioning autism makes it harder to have a romantic relationship, and exactly what kind of suicidal thoughts I have had in the past and why I hope people get help if they themselves are struggling with thoughts like that. If any of you have a question for me you would like answered in a future video, please ask in the comments section of this post or the video itself!

Job hunting with autism in a non-autistic world

| marandarussell

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I’m currently searching for a part-time job. I do make some money off my writing and art, but let’s face it, it can be hard to make a living off those things alone. I hope someday to do so, but right now we need some extra money. However, hunting for a job isn’t easy for me. First off, I have some health problems. I can’t work long hours, especially if I need to be on my feet for long (due to severe Plantar Fasciitis) and I can’t lift much of anything that is heavy, which has ruled out many jobs. Add to that, the fact that I have Asperger’s Syndrome and the job market is awfully slim.

Although Asperger’s doesn’t make me unable to work, it does cause some real issues. First off, I have social anxiety which can become overwhelming if I work a job with too much forced socialization. Secondly, although I have a great eye for detail (a gift from having high-functioning autism), I am not very good at multitasking. In fact, it can cause a lot of anxiety if I have to do too much at once all the time. I also need a job that is relatively predictable every day. Too much change in environment or job duties can actually induce panic attacks, which isn’t at all uncommon among those with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Then of course you have the problems with job interviews. First off, do I be totally honest about my physical problems and the issues caused by autism? If I do, I know it may ruin my chances of a job. I hate to think someone wouldn’t hire me just because I have health problems and was born a little different than everyone else, but I know it happens all the time. They may not say that is the reason, but they can still choose not to deal with the restrictions I have. Also, interviews are hell for people who feel socially awkward and nervous to begin with. Often, I can’t tell what someone thinks of me when they first meet me unless they directly tell me, so I often sit there the whole time wondering if I am bombing the interview or if I am doing ok. I am naturally bluntly honest, which can be an issue too.

All of this stress and confusion really makes me wish there were job placement services to help people with high-functioning autism. Unfortunately, almost all of the services around here require that you have a low IQ, which I do not have. In fact, my IQ is quite a bit above average, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still struggle with issues from the autism. Overall, job hunting feels like an alien world to me. One I just don’t get and will probably always have to “fake it to make it”. Unfortunately, I’m not good at faking things for long.