I’m ready for Halloween! My favorite time/holiday of the year! All the stores already have their Halloween stuff out, so I can share my Halloween art, right? Here are a couple pieces I made last Halloween. I’m sure I’ll have more Halloween art for this year soon!
Been feeling stressed. I don’t know if it is because I am autistic or just part of my personality, but even the smallest changes to my routine tend to throw me off and cause a lot of anxiety…and the holidays seem to be filled with those kinds of routine manglers.
For instance, tonight I have a friend’s Yule party to go to and tomorrow I am supposed to meet my mom for an early Christmas dinner/present exchange. Part of me is looking forward to these events and even wants to go, but part of me is stressed out and just wants to go back to bed and hide under the covers until the weekend is over.
All the anxiety takes a physical toll too. It turns my tummy into a wreck and brings on headaches that can easily slip into migraines if I’m not careful. The anxiety last night about the events this weekend was so bad that it did give me a migraine, so I had to take my migraine prescription. Hoping that won’t happen again.
I often tend to think depression is worse than anxiety because its symptoms are more obvious and immediate, but I think I underestimate the compounding ability of high anxiety.
Feeling like this little guy today. Things still not going well with my sick kitty. Feeling sad and overwhelmed. Wishing it wasn’t the holidays when I have family/social responsibilities pressing down on me too. On the plus side, I have been selling a lot of my art and books, but hard to feel too celebratory. Your kind comments and care have helped though. Please know that.
Been really fighting off a depression slump again, and I’m losing. Today I slept in until after noon – that is often one of the first signs that the depression is getting real. The longer and later I sleep in often correlates directly to a diminishing mood.
You may ask if there is something triggering this slump. The holidays often seem to be related to the issue. Last night I had a dream about revisiting the house my dad died in when I was 12, I’m sure that might have something to do with it – approaching the holidays and thinking of all the family losses again.
My cat, Spyder, really has me down too. He has been sick for over a month now. We’ve spent a ridiculous amount of money on 3 vet visits, 3 rounds of antibiotics, special diet foods, and medical tests – all to be no closer to a real answer about what is wrong and with him not getting any better, at least not for long. He’ll get a little better on the antibiotics, but once they stop, he quickly gets sick again. Yesterday and today he hasn’t even been eating and just sleeps all day.
on twisted branches
holds up the bodies
in the breeze.
(Yesterday I bought my first Halloween tree to decorate with ornaments at Target. I’ve wanted one for years and finally got one. It is a spooky black tree with orange glitter on it and prompted me to write this little poem. If I am able to find enough ornaments and such to decorate it with, I will try to share a pic later!)
Today was a rather stressful day since I had an appointment with my lawyer for my SSDI hearing next week, so I didn’t have time to plan a full post, but I did want to participate again in the Twittering Tales picture prompt by Kat Myrman. As I explained last week, this writing challenge is to simply write a short story, or poem, or whatever you want as long as it is under 280 characters (the length of a tweet).
Here is this week’s picture prompt and my entry for this week below (photo from Pixabay):
My mother considered naming me Candy, but worried that if I turned out to be fat, it would be more ammunition for the bullies to use against me.
I didn’t turn out to be fat, but I did turn out to love candy – except for those little Valentine’s hearts.
Sorry I haven’t written much lately. I’ve been focusing on other things, like trying to get back into vlogging on YouTube and starting up my Instagram. By the way, if you aren’t already following me on both of those, feel free to check them out!
Today I’m feeling pretty bad. I’ve had a high amount of anxiety, which seems to be partly left over from the weekend. Mother’s Day is always a little stressful because of the complicated relationship I have with my mother. I did go visit her in Indiana Sunday, which was a good time, but the trip and socialization really wore me out, not to mention all the mixed feelings I have whenever I spend time with my mom.
I experienced a variety of emotions, including sadness, regret, and sorrow. And as always, I feel a deep need for love from my mother, even though I’m not sure if she can always fill that need the way I desire. The last few times I have seen her, I have also been rather saddened to see her aging. I don’t know what it is, but seeing your parents visibly aging is so depressing.
I saw my psychiatrist today and it went ok, but left me feeling really down. Perhaps because we talked about my relationship with my mom, or maybe because he seemed hurried today and didn’t have a lot of time, which is easy to convert into feeling rebuffed when you are insecure like me. I often feel guilt about taking up people’s time anyhow, so when they seem in a hurry, it makes me feel even worse. I guess that is just my lousy self-esteem. It is funny that millenials are often described as so “entitled”, but I am completely the opposite! I don’t feel entitled to much of anything, including people’s time and attention….even when I’m paying for it!
Today would have been my sister’s 41st birthday if she hadn’t committed suicide back when she was 35. It is really weird now because I am 35, so I am the exact same age she was when she died. For the first time ever, I will soon be older than my sister ever was. I won’t be the younger sister anymore…or at least that is how it feels.
Last night I didn’t sleep well at all, I had nightmare after nightmare after nightmare. None of them were specifically about my sister, but I can’t help but wonder if subconsciously the feelings I have about her birthday rolling around might not have affected my state of mind. Honestly, I didn’t even think about it being her birthday until a few minutes ago when I looked at the date on my computer clock and it hit me. Of course, this time of year I often think about her, but I am not good at keeping track of days. When you don’t work outside the home, it is easy to forget what day it is.
I’m sorry if this entry is a bit of a ramble, but I have so many mixed emotions and still so much pain about it all that it might not come out as orderly as my normal posts. Days like this really get to me, even if I don’t consciously think about them. It is like a lurking shadow hanging over the entire week or month. I’m sad today and now I’ve remembered why.
Father’s Day has been somewhat of a struggle for me personally since my father died. I was only 12 when he died, but even 16 years later, I still have a rough time on this holiday. Things have gotten better since I married and started fostering and looking to adopt children, after all, now I can make the day about my husband and celebrating the fact that he is a truly great father-figure, but I still have bittersweet moments when I think about how much I miss my dad.
What I have realized this year though is that I am joined by millions of other people who also struggle with the emotional ramifications of this day. Many of my friends also have fathers who have passed away, and we often talk about how much we miss our dads when Father’s Day rolls around. I also have friends who had complicated relationships with their father, or may have never known their father at all.
Too many kids today grow up without fathers, a statistic that is made obvious by the fact that the topic #mydadgetsnocallbecause has been trending on Twitter all day today. I read through some of these tweets, and found everything from kids who don’t even know who their dad is, to kids who call their father a ‘deadbeat’ or kids who can only visit or talk to their dads in prison. Many also had the attitude of apathy. After all, if their dads never gave a crap about them, why should they reach out to their old man?
All of these negative comments make me very sad, but I know that it is reality to many kids today. Doing foster care has definitely shown me a side to family life that I wish didn’t exist. Some parents really don’t deserve the title at all.
So what is my point? If you have a good dad and he is still around, MAKE SURE that you take the time to show your appreciation. Be grateful for your good fortune. If your father was a great dad but has passed on like mine has, remember the good memories and know that it is ok to be sad or even shed a few tears. And if your dad was nonexistent, abusive or totally useless, know that you are not alone. Use this opportunity to appreciate those who have been there for you and to make sure you are on the track to becoming a worthwhile parent yourself (whether you already have kids or not). Even if your family has been filled with deadbeat parents for generations, YOU can break that nasty cycle!