Sorry I haven’t written much lately. I’ve been focusing on other things, like trying to get back into vlogging on YouTube and starting up my Instagram. By the way, if you aren’t already following me on both of those, feel free to check them out!
Today I’m feeling pretty bad. I’ve had a high amount of anxiety, which seems to be partly left over from the weekend. Mother’s Day is always a little stressful because of the complicated relationship I have with my mother. I did go visit her in Indiana Sunday, which was a good time, but the trip and socialization really wore me out, not to mention all the mixed feelings I have whenever I spend time with my mom.
I experienced a variety of emotions, including sadness, regret, and sorrow. And as always, I feel a deep need for love from my mother, even though I’m not sure if she can always fill that need the way I desire. The last few times I have seen her, I have also been rather saddened to see her aging. I don’t know what it is, but seeing your parents visibly aging is so depressing.
I saw my psychiatrist today and it went ok, but left me feeling really down. Perhaps because we talked about my relationship with my mom, or maybe because he seemed hurried today and didn’t have a lot of time, which is easy to convert into feeling rebuffed when you are insecure like me. I often feel guilt about taking up people’s time anyhow, so when they seem in a hurry, it makes me feel even worse. I guess that is just my lousy self-esteem. It is funny that millenials are often described as so “entitled”, but I am completely the opposite! I don’t feel entitled to much of anything, including people’s time and attention….even when I’m paying for it!
Today would have been my sister’s 41st birthday if she hadn’t committed suicide back when she was 35. It is really weird now because I am 35, so I am the exact same age she was when she died. For the first time ever, I will soon be older than my sister ever was. I won’t be the younger sister anymore…or at least that is how it feels.
Last night I didn’t sleep well at all, I had nightmare after nightmare after nightmare. None of them were specifically about my sister, but I can’t help but wonder if subconsciously the feelings I have about her birthday rolling around might not have affected my state of mind. Honestly, I didn’t even think about it being her birthday until a few minutes ago when I looked at the date on my computer clock and it hit me. Of course, this time of year I often think about her, but I am not good at keeping track of days. When you don’t work outside the home, it is easy to forget what day it is.
I’m sorry if this entry is a bit of a ramble, but I have so many mixed emotions and still so much pain about it all that it might not come out as orderly as my normal posts. Days like this really get to me, even if I don’t consciously think about them. It is like a lurking shadow hanging over the entire week or month. I’m sad today and now I’ve remembered why.
Hello everyone! I know it has been quite awhile since I posted, but with the holidays, family illnesses and other responsibilities that have been thrown my way, I have just been overwhelmed, so I took some time off. We did have some great times over the holiday, for instance, the cosmic bowling that we did on New Year’s Eve. The picture included here is of me and a family member celebrating there!
In addition to the happiness the season brought to my family, it also bumped up the sales figures for my newest picture book, “Ode to Icky”. Most of these were signed copies that I sold personally, but still, getting my book into the hands of readers always puts a smile on my face!
Over the holidays, the Kindle version of “Ode to Icky” became available for FREE to anyone who happens to be an Amazon Prime Member. Unless I’m mistaken, the Amazon Prime program is rather new, but it seems to have some great perks if you shop Amazon often for books or other products. You receive free shipping on most of your Amazon orders, unlimited instant streaming of thousands of movies and TV shows and access to tons of free books for the Kindle through the Kindle Lending Library program.
To be completely honest, I haven’t signed up as a Prime Member yet, but I am seriously considering it. I love my Kindle and whenever I can’t find something I want in a nearby store, I almost always purchase it from Amazon. So if you happen to be an Amazon Prime Member, I have two requests to make of you:
First, please consider downloading “Ode to Icky” for free! Even though it is free to you, I do receive a small royalty every time it is downloaded. Secondly, I would love to hear your opinion of the Prime program and how you have liked it so far. Has it been worth the money?
Father’s Day has been somewhat of a struggle for me personally since my father died. I was only 12 when he died, but even 16 years later, I still have a rough time on this holiday. Things have gotten better since I married and started fostering and looking to adopt children, after all, now I can make the day about my husband and celebrating the fact that he is a truly great father-figure, but I still have bittersweet moments when I think about how much I miss my dad.
What I have realized this year though is that I am joined by millions of other people who also struggle with the emotional ramifications of this day. Many of my friends also have fathers who have passed away, and we often talk about how much we miss our dads when Father’s Day rolls around. I also have friends who had complicated relationships with their father, or may have never known their father at all.
Too many kids today grow up without fathers, a statistic that is made obvious by the fact that the topic #mydadgetsnocallbecause has been trending on Twitter all day today. I read through some of these tweets, and found everything from kids who don’t even know who their dad is, to kids who call their father a ‘deadbeat’ or kids who can only visit or talk to their dads in prison. Many also had the attitude of apathy. After all, if their dads never gave a crap about them, why should they reach out to their old man?
All of these negative comments make me very sad, but I know that it is reality to many kids today. Doing foster care has definitely shown me a side to family life that I wish didn’t exist. Some parents really don’t deserve the title at all.
So what is my point? If you have a good dad and he is still around, MAKE SURE that you take the time to show your appreciation. Be grateful for your good fortune. If your father was a great dad but has passed on like mine has, remember the good memories and know that it is ok to be sad or even shed a few tears. And if your dad was nonexistent, abusive or totally useless, know that you are not alone. Use this opportunity to appreciate those who have been there for you and to make sure you are on the track to becoming a worthwhile parent yourself (whether you already have kids or not). Even if your family has been filled with deadbeat parents for generations, YOU can break that nasty cycle!