Today my husband and I finally have the time to go see the Joker movie. I am really excited. I hear it is quite dark and nihilistic, similar in some ways to the Heath Ledger version of the Joker from The Dark Knight movie. I know it probably doesn’t help my depression, but I love dark, bleak movies like that.
Maybe I relate to them because of my depression. I have too much empathy for people to become a mass murderer or abuser, but I must admit that there are many times that I feel like life is pointless, everything we do is pointless, happiness is pointless, pain is pointless, etc. I feel like that most often when in a severe depressed state. I think that is why I look up to artists like Kurt Cobain, Vincent Van Gogh, Edvard Munch, Sylvia Plath, etc., because they expressed similar feelings at times.
This week I also have been catching up on the tv show American Horror Story and watched the 8th Season called Apocalypse. I loved this season! They brought back the witches from the Coven season which was one of my favorites, and I always love an apocalypse-themed story, but my favorite part of the season was Michael Langdon. Partly because I found him kind of hot, and partly because I found him often hilarious as the Antichrist. The poor guy showed us how uniquely stressful and confusing it could be to try to figure out how to bring about the end of days! Why doesn’t this “son of satan” stuff come with a guidebook???
Ok, I’m sharing this video because I found it pretty hilarious…and a bit scary too (after all, this is coming from real psychology/psychiatry professionals!). I occasionally watch this guy’s Youtube channel and came across this gem. In the video he talks about “rogue” therapists and counselors who break or bend the rules of the profession. The hilarious part comes in when he talks about actual made-up diagnoses he has seen written down on real charts by actual mental health professionals and the ridiculous misunderstandings some mental health professionals have about what certain diagnoses even are!
The video is a little long and he can be monotone, but I hope you make it through. If you want to skip to the point where he starts talking about made up diagnoses, it starts around the 5:59 mark.
I am SO glad I never had a counselor or therapist like the ones he describes!
I have a lot of amazing talents (thank you, autism)…now, if only more of those remarkable abilities were marketable! Here is a list of things I am awesome at that I wish I could get paid to do:
- Sudoku Master
- Snake Spotter
- Hidden Pictures or Spot the Difference Finder
- LEGO put-together-er
- Build a Bear Expert (no, I do not want to work in the busy store, I just want to be paid for collecting/playing with Build a Bears and knowing a lot about the brand lol)
- Video Game Babysitter (I am awesome at babysitting on video games, I’ve gotten a promotion twice in the past week on my new Nintendo DS game)
- Online Medical Information Gatherer and Hypochondriac
- Dance Moms super-fan (I’m way too obsessed with that show)
- The ability to quote The Lion King (the original of course) from beginning to end – every spoken word, every song lyric.
- Cartoon character/toy identifier
- Unicorn admirer
Well, things are still a bit rough. My back is still not doing great although it has been a slight bit better. I have been able to cut back a little bit on the pain killers, which I am thankful for. I hate having to take opioids too often. Unfortunately, I did trip over my TENS unit cord and that didn’t do my back or my knees and legs a lot of good:
I was thankful the fall didn’t make my back way worse though as that easily could have happened.
Yesterday I even felt up to going down to a nearby thrift store and just walking around a little bit to see if I could loosen my back up any. I even found a new Eeyore to add to my collection while there (the pink and light blue one on the far right):
Eeyore is my spirit animal….unfortunately.
My husband and I went to Loveland, Ohio today to see a real castle built by hand by one guy (allegedly by a French knight, but that turns out to be more legend it seems). Here are a few of my favorite photos from the tour. First, the castle itself:
Me, trying to look regal sitting in the throne chair, but instead doing a good giraffe impression:
Me in black and white, dancing on the top of the turret:
The cute, soft little buddy I found:
We had fun, but now I’m worn out!
Yesterday was busy! In the morning, my husband and I went to a program at our local library put on my Wright Patterson Air Force Base about the history of UFOs and Project Blue Book (one of the programs that they had to investigate UFO reports). It was interesting, although obviously they didn’t share anything major about government secrets or possible cover-up programs.
The guy giving the speech did have a good sense of humor. I especially enjoyed this graphic he shared:
In the evening, we went to a local church for a meditation group. We did an hour of meditation called the “Twin Hearts” meditation which focused mostly on the heart and crown chakras. After that, we did some fun Tarot card readings just for kicks.
It was kind of funny, because I’ve studied the Tarot system and symbology, but my husband who has never done any card reading at all was called “more advanced” by the instructor. I will have to admit though that he surprised me with his perceptiveness and the things he saw and felt from the cards which I never would have thought of. He normally struggles to get out of his left brain thinking, but I guess maybe images help him to do so.
We used two separate decks, a dragon themed one and an archangels themed one. My favorite was the dragons!
Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist. We spent a lot of time talking about the dark, morbid interests I have and whether those might be contributing to my depression and anxiety. I’ve always been drawn to studying the dark side of things, whether it be the occult, serial killers, suicide, the dark side of history, horror movies and books, or psychopaths. I know these interests may not be the best things for my mental state, but they are all things that fascinate me and it is hard for me to resist things that fascinate me.
At one point in the conversation, my psychiatrist asked if there were any happy interests I have. I told him I love cartoons, but then I told him one of my favorite cartoon movies is Anastasia, which he pointed out is about the mass murder of the royal family lol, so maybe not so happy after all.
Today I have an MRI scheduled on my head and neck to try to figure out what might be causing my recent migraines. I’m really not looking forward to it. I hate MRI’s, especially on the head and neck because I feel really claustrophobic and hate not being able to move for so long.
If Edgar had a muse
to hassle and abuse,
why not I?
Enter those raven’s wings
and all terrible things
from finer days gone by.