Nighttime Dread and “Quiet Borderlines” Thoughts

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I slept in until after 2pm this afternoon. I hate when that happens. I feel like most of the day is already gone by the time I get out of bed. I must have slept at least around 12 hours last night, even though I had a bit of an emotional fest when I actually went to bed. For some reason, all the loneliness of the world seems to settle down on me when I try to go to sleep and all the horrible things that have and could happen come around to haunt me. It is often at these times that I feel absolutely alone and helpless in this world, even though logically I know I’m not…at least not right now. But I could be. I could be all alone very easily and that thought sends me into a kind of despair I can’t explain.

Recently I have been reading a book entitled “Beyond Borderline: True Stories of Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder”. Reading the book has been insightful and interesting, and made me realize I am definitely NOT a traditional borderline. I simply don’t have the acting out behaviors. I guess I could be what some people call “quiet borderlines”, although sometimes I wonder if they are really borderlines or not?

Perhaps some “quiet borderlines” are actually more along the lines of Avoidant Personality Disorder or another anxiety-related personality disorder? Who knows. I’m not a doctor so I can’t say, but I do find so many commonalities running through various personality disorders, that even if you have one, pinpointing which one might be difficult and many people have traits of more than one. For me personally, I think I definitely fit more into the cluster C “anxious and fearful clusters” than the cluster B “dramatic and overly emotional clusters”. In fact, the only time I am visibly overly emotional is when I am so anxious I pretty much panic. Unfortunately this almost always seems to happen in public, because social interaction in itself can easily set off the panic in me.

 

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Artistic Loneliness

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I’d show you my soul,
open it up before you
and hold it to the light,
but I worry you’d laugh
shredding any self-confidence
that has snuck through
my long line of offenses
and survived.

~Maranda Russell

Desperate Loneliness

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I feel so desperately lonely sometimes, and at those times it feels like I am not only experiencing my own personal loneliness, but the loneliness of humanity in general. During those times I mourn how disconnected we have all become, and I consider how alone each of us really is in our own thoughts and emotions. No matter how deeply we want to relate to one another, there is a shallowness that is unavoidable due to separation and individuality.

Maybe I am overthinking things or ruminating far too much, but sometimes I despair of existence and wish I could truly bridge the chasm between my own mind and heart and another’s.

Feeling Invisible

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Any of you ever feel invisible? Most likely, you are human, so you have felt that way at some point in your life. Unfortunately, I feel that way a lot. I’m not sure if it is the bipolar, the autism, or the fact that I am simply a hermit, but I struggle with feelings of invisibility a lot and sometimes feeling like I don’t even really exist, which is a super weird feeling in itself.

Anyhow, as I was feeling pretty darn invisible lately, I looked up some quotes about the feeling and decided to share a few of my favorites here:

“It would be too easy to say that I feel invisible. Instead, I feel painfully visible and entirely ignored.” ~ David Levithan

“I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me.” ~ Ralph Ellison

“But most days, I wander around feeling invisible. Like I’m a speck of dust floating in the air that can only be seen when a shaft of light hits it.” ~ Sonya Sones

And lastly, some words from our old friend Eeyore:

“I didn’t notice you were here.”
“That’s all right,” Eeyore said as he sat down. “Nobody ever does.”

Why Stars Explode

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Why Stars Explode
Written By: Maranda Russell

Feeling lonely tonight,
wondering if the night sky
knows how I feel –
it seems like she would.

All that emptiness,
the vast space between each star,
perhaps that is the real reason stars explode –
not because of heat,
not because of age,
but simply due to the overwhelming shadow
cast by their own isolation.

Video: My Experiences with Emotional Pain or Abuse from a Church or Religion

Hi everyone! I wanted to share this video I made recently for my Spiritual Agnostic YouTube vlog channel, in the hopes that perhaps others who have experienced similar things or even much worse, might find some comfort and strength in knowing they aren’t alone and that it is possible to heal and move on from things like this. In no way did I make this video to be mean or vengeful, but just to express my own process of growth and learning through these experiences.

Video diary/blog (video 4) depression, chronic illness & chronic pain

I have been wanting to talk about the connection between dealing with chronic pain/illness and dealing with depression. I figured making a video diary about the subject would be a good way to approach the subject. Just please keep in mind that my advice for dealing with this issue is not a substitute for medical care. If you are experiencing severe depression, please see a healthcare professional. If you like the video or have something to say about this subject, please feel free to comment or like the post either here or on YouTube 🙂