My Uncle’s Funeral and Family Connections

Here you can see three of the Egyptian figures I got from my Uncle’s collection (circled in pink) on my table

Over the weekend my husband and I went over to Indiana for my uncle’s viewing and funeral. Although the occasion was obviously sad, it was really nice to see some of the relative I rarely see, especially my cousins. One of my cousins even told me that he had been reading my writing and loved it. He encouraged me to “keep doing what you’re doing”, and that meant a lot ♥ I didn’t even know any of them read my work!

I got a few momentos to remember my uncle by as well, which was nice. Since we both love Egyptian art and mythology, I got several of his Egyptian figurines, and a quilt that was made by my great-grandma. Having that connection to your roots during sad times like this can be comforting and make you feel a part of something bigger than just you.

My Uncle is Dying

I’ve been really sad this week. Depressed too. I found out my great uncle is dying and has been put on hospice care. He has overcome a lot this past year, he had a stroke and then got Covid and developed pneumonia, but he recovered from both better than expected, but now he has some kind of heart/blood issue that they say can’t be fixed because he is simply too weak to survive any kind of surgery to correct the issue. Sadly, they can’t even grant his wish to go back home and pass away there, as he is in a lot of pain and they feel the IV pain relief drugs are necessary for his comfort since he doesn’t respond well to the pill form.

I have always had a special relationship with him. I spent quite a bit of time with him as a kid growing up. When we moved away when I was 12, he faithfully wrote me letters for years, letters that helped me through very rough times in my teenage life. I even chose him to marry my husband and I as he was an ordained minister. He was definitely the best example I had of Christianity in my life, and even though I’m not an evangelical Christian anymore, I still greatly respect the example he set of being kind and loving.

I don’t want him to suffer, and we have been worried about his quality of life ever since the stroke, but it is still hard to say goodbye. And so, I’m sad.

My Sister Would Have Been 43 Today

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Today my sister would have turned 43 if she hadn’t prematurely ended her life around 8 years ago. I still miss her deeply. Part of me is glad she is out of pain, as she struggled horribly with mental illness, physical pain, and serious addiction issues, but most of me just wishes things would have been different. I don’t hold any real anger towards her final action, but there is a lot of sorrow and wondering exactly what was the final straw.

Has suicide ever touched your life personally? Have you lost a friend, family member, or other important person that way? If so, how do you deal with painful occasions like their birthdays/anniversaries/etc.?

Celebrity Deaths

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Today the world is mourning the loss of basketball superstar Kobe Bryant, his 13-year-old daughter Gianna, and 7 others who died in a helicopter crash yesterday. Personally, I am not a sports fan, so I didn’t feel much emotionally in connection to Kobe, although I empathize with the loss that his family, friends, fellow players, and fans feel, and always feel sorrow at the loss of children who barely got to live.

When celebrities die, I’ve often heard people complain about all the fuss they get. About how we act like they matter more than any other person who lives and dies. People complain about the adulation celebrities receive after their death, while “real” heroes like soldiers, firefighters, police officers, emergency workers, and others die without much recognition at all.

While I understand this sentiment, I think the reason that celebrity tragedies get so much attention isn’t because we truly think their lives are worth more than anyone else’s, but because so many people feel like they actually know them. If we are fans of their art or achievements, we feel a bond with them, even if we have never met.

I know I felt this way with Michael Jackson, Robin Williams, and Alan Rickman. I loved their work, their personalities, even their flaws to some extent. It felt like there was a relationship between us, even though there wasn’t. Thinking about their deaths still makes me sad because I miss them, just like I miss my father and sister who have passed on.

I believe this feeling can even occur with people who died before we were born. I feel like I know Vincent Van Gogh, Edgar Allan Poe, Emily Dickinson, and John Lennon in intimately real ways, when obviously I didn’t (unless I lived previous lives, but that is another topic altogether lol).

Who are some celebrity deaths that you felt deeply?

Reasons I’m Depressed Right Now

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  • My cat will die tomorrow. After 14+ years together.
  • A meetup group that I was truly enjoying and was beginning to feel part of disbanded for the foreseeable future.
  • I feel artistically lonely. I wish I had others in my “real” life who had the passion for art and literature (especially poetry) that I have.
  • There is a good chance I am going through early menopause and that is triggering my major increase in migraines and making my hormone levels go crazy, affecting my mood as well. The doctor says this could go on for years 😦
  • I have been fighting off migraines the last few days.
  • I wish I had someone to watch movies and tv shows with that really got into them like I do. My husband is just not a movie/tv guy.
  • There will always be a huge hole in my life where my family should be, as all of my immediate family members are dead other than my mother, who I have a shaky relationship with.
  • Climate change catastrophe and human ignorance. The realization that if scientists are right about climate change, we are likely causing our own extinction, as well as the extinction of much of life on earth. It is pretty much too late now and we humans are not willing to make the changes needed to save ourselves and the world even if there was time. In the end, industrialization may have been the absolute worst thing that could have happened to the world. I guess we can hope the scientists are wrong, but it isn’t looking good from what I see.

Drawing My Mood

Feeling like this little guy today. Things still not going well with my sick kitty. Feeling sad and overwhelmed. Wishing it wasn’t the holidays when I have family/social responsibilities pressing down on me too. On the plus side, I have been selling a lot of my art and books, but hard to feel too celebratory. Your kind comments and care have helped though. Please know that.

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My Baby is Dying

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My baby kitty Spyder is dying. I’m pretty sure of it now. We’ve ruled out pretty much everything but cancer or autoimmune disease, with cancer looking most likely. He hasn’t eaten for 3 days now and is getting weaker and weaker. We’ve tried everything we know. Spent well over $1,000 to try to get him well in the past month.

He is around 14 years old, so at least he has lived a good length of life for a cat, but my heart is breaking. About 3 days ago it is almost as if he suddenly decided it was time to prepare to die. Since then, he has refused to eat, wants to hide away and sleep, and gets weaker every day. He does not seem to be in pain, except when he has to go to the bathroom and try to get stool out. Luckily, that isn’t happening often as he has very little to expel.

Our only other options at this point would be a feeding tube, and if he does indeed have cancer, I don’t want to just prolong his suffering and death. I know we couldn’t afford all the treatment that would require, nor would I want to put him through all that. Spyder is a quiet, shy cat and I know he would rather go at home quietly. He is one of the sweetest cats I have ever known. Knowing him has been an honor.

Spyder got his name from a dream of mine. Right before he showed up in our lives, I had a dream that I had a baby of my own and named it Spyder for some reason. So, when we got this kitty soon after, I figured it was fate and gave him the name from my dream. He indeed became my baby. The kitty that I was closest to. The one who pulled my heartstrings hardest for some reason. I am hurting.