Personal post – Worst disability of mine

As many of you know, I’ve had a bunch of health problems for a long time. Even as a kid I had chronic stomach, ear, and sinus issues. At 19, I developed my first chronic pain condition. My medical rap sheet is a mile long.

But, I’ve NEVER experienced anything as disabling as these chronic migraines I’ve had the past few years. Migraines up to 20+ days a month, and pretty much ALL DAY when I have them. The longest straight stretch was 9 days of migraines. I also get excruciating neck pain, vertigo, and nausea with the migraines. Perhaps the worst thing is that when I have them, I can’t read or write. I can’t watch tv. I can’t stand to be in the car. Even if I don’t have a migraine, a long drive will almost always guarantee I’ll develop one, so we plan very few getaways, even when we want, need, and can afford them. There is no escape. Just long days and nights laying in the dark silence, hoping to God the pain stops.

So far meds haven’t worked too well. Botox didn’t work. Tomorrow I try my first nerve block and I’m cautiously hopeful. Still, through it all, I try to remember how lucky I am that I don’t have to work, as I have no clue how I could ever hold down a job like this. I’m thankful that my husband is committed to taking care of me and loving me even when life sucks. I’m glad my kitties bring me a smile. I’m glad to have social media to vent to lol. Looking for things to be grateful for makes you feel better, even at your worst.

Flash fiction – Old man

Her old man died. She’d never forget that day. Coming into the house after canning peaches all day in the shed, and finding him laid out on the carpet, a halo of red surrounding his head. She’d known he had guns – had often felt safer and protected knowing they were within reach – but somehow, she had never considered their potential use for self-destruction. Now she wished that firearms had never been created.

Why I’ve Been MIA (and my 39th birthday!)

Hi everyone! I know it has been a while since you heard from me! I went from blogging everyday or every other day, to struggling to blog once or twice a week, to just not blogging at all for over a month. I think part of it might have been burnout, part of it was a deep depression I was going through, and part of it was feeling somewhat like I put a lot of effort into blogging and didn’t feel like I always got a lot out of it.

Have you ever felt that way? I decided I wanted to concentrate more on my “real” life instead of spending so much time online and on social media. Have you ever felt like maybe you were neglecting your real life by spending too much time online? I think it is a huge problem in today’s society. We miss out on so much by always being on our phones, computers, etc. I want to make sure I am fully present in my life and experiencing real things, not just simulated things or living vicariously through others.

By the way, today is my 39th birthday! I figured it would be a good time to check in, since I’ve been meaning to write something on here but just kept putting it off. Once you get out of the habit, it can be hard to get back in. Anyhow, I can’t believe that I’m so close to 40 now! That used to sound so old! It kind of still does to be honest lol. I feel like I should still be in my 20’s, but here I am!

To celebrate my birthday, I think I’m going to do something I always wanted to do as a kid, but never got to…I’m having a party at Chuck E. Cheese. I’m gonna eat some pizza and chocolate cake, play some skeeball and video games, and pretend to be a kid again. We all need that once in a while.

By the way, I went to an art class yesterday and I created this cute little Halloween picture, thought you guys might like it 🙂

Fellow Blogger Drama

(If you enjoy personal drama posts, you’ll like this one lol. I’m not going to name the person or blog, as I don’t think that is necessary or constructive, but the whole set of circumstances hurt my feelings and disappointed me and I wanted to vent.)

Ok, so I had this blogger friend. One that I thought of as a close friend and great source of mutual support. Something rare to find in the blogging community. She also blogs about many of the issues I blog about (mental illness, etc.) We encouraged each other consistently and even supported each other outside of WordPress by reading and reviewing each other’s books. I really thought of her as a close blogging/online friend.

Then one day she posted about a medical procedure that I had been told by my psychiatrist was dangerous and could have some serious side effects. I mentioned what I had been advised about the procedure by my doctor in a comment on the post, although I did explain that I certainly was no expert on the subject and wasn’t entirely sure if my doctor gave me completely accurate information and that I would have to investigate the subject further.

Because of me even questioning the safety of the procedure, it seemed like she just cut off all communication with me. I waited a while thinking maybe I hadn’t worded things right and had hurt her feelings or something and wanted to give her time to cool off. However, even though I tried to keep supporting her because I wanted to salvage our friendship, she refused to respond. Eventually I decided to email her and apologize if I had misspoken, hurt her feelings, or offended her as I definitely did NOT have any intention of doing so.

She emailed me back (I do appreciate that, because had she not, I never would have gotten any closure on the whole issue), and told me that since I had “promoted stigmatizing misinformation” that she pretty much blocked me automatically across the board.

So, am I the asshole for thinking this was an overreaction and being very hurt by the blatant rejection of someone I had considered a close blogger friend? How would you feel?

Mental Illness – Personal or Societal Issue?

Do you ever stop to wonder if the exploding rates of mental illness might signify that there isn’t a personal issue going on with many people, but instead, a societal or lifestyle issue? The pandemic has shown without a doubt that outside influences can make huge differences in collective mental health. The isolation, the fear of the virus, the missing out on all the things you love to do – these affected us hugely in the past couple years.

Even before the pandemic though, mental illness had been a steadily growing problem. Most of the time the medical establishment treats it all as a personal issue. You must have a chemical imbalance, a mood disorder, or you are doing things wrong and somehow causing your own problems. But what if WE aren’t causing the problem? What if the system is?

In our world, people have become increasingly isolated and lonely, way before the pandemic started. The internet has brought some great things, but it has also made it so that we rely less on real, local community. We were made to be tribal, group animals, but many of us have lost our tribe long ago. Even when we try to build a sense of community, I feel like many of us have no idea how to go about doing that in our disconnected, busy, hustle culture.

We also live in a world where many people are forced to work ridiculous hours at jobs they hate just to survive. And then they barely survive at that. They are swimming in debt and praying nothing major goes wrong between paychecks. Corporations are treated better and are often given more rights than us. We are told to consume and we will feel better, but that only leads to emptiness and more debt.

If you happen to be disabled, like me, you are often made to feel like you are a drain on society and are weak and useless. Depending on the disability, you can become even more isolated and lonely. Many of us have few close family ties to begin with, and frequently, family members and friends eventually end up moving away from each other so they can get a good job and survive.

And don’t even get me started on the corruption, genocide, and other downright criminal activity the government leeches off us to support. Or how we are out of touch with the natural world around us, and even worse, destroying it at a rapid rate.

Maybe it isn’t you. Maybe it isn’t me. Maybe it is all of us, and maybe it is time we make some huge changes.

Struggling to Blog – Depression or something more?

Lately I’ve really been struggling to blog. I don’t feel enthusiastic or motivated about it. I’m not sure if I’m feeling burnout or what is going on. Have you ever gone through this as a blogger? If so, what did you do? Did you force yourself to keep to your blogging schedule anyway and just trudge through it? Did you take a little vacation? Find some outside way to motivate yourself?

I don’t think it is simply coincidence that this feeling has come at a time that I have been fighting off a deep depression, but I’m not sure if that is all of it. To be fair, it has been hard to motivate myself to do much of anything lately, but writing seems especially tedious right now, and I feel like I have nothing of value to say anyway 😦

Affirmation of the Day

I love a good affirmation. I came across this one on a Reddit thread of all things lol, but really liked it and thought I would share.

"I'm getting better
every day
in every way
than the day before"

For me, the affirmation supports the concept that you should never compare yourself to others, you should only compare yourself to prior versions of yourself and try to improve your life in regards to that.

DEPRESSION CYCLE AGAIN

I’m really struggling with depression right now and have been for at least a few days. I honestly can’t remember exactly how long it has been because when I’m this depressed, days just run into one another and I don’t even have the motivation or desire to keep track.

I struggle to make myself do anything, but I try. I force myself to do my household chores, force myself to stick to my social media/blogging schedule, and even made myself get out and do things I normally enjoy, hoping it would help, but unfortunately, it hasn’t.

Right now I feel like I don’t care about anything, and I HATE that feeling, because I normally care so much. I really hate having depression/mood disorder/bipolar type 2 – whatever you want to call it. I wish I could just blink out of existence for a while and come back in a better frame of mind. If I was a drug/alcohol kind of girl, I would probably be turning to that for escape, but I guess it is lucky I’m not into that stuff.

My only consolation is knowing that at some point, it will pass, even if it feels right now like it won’t.