Lately I have really been struggling with motivation to blog. Due to a depressive slump, I’ve been having trouble with the desire to do much of anything, but blogging especially has fallen by the wayside.
It makes me feel bad because I truly do appreciate this community and love the interaction I get with all of you, but when the whole world feels dark, it is hard to even try to reach for some light.
I’m not sure if my current state is just a continuation of the depression I was already feeling, or if it is worsened by gradually switching mood stabilizers (Seroquel to Lamictal), but I am hoping the situation improves soon. I have only been on the Lamictal since Monday and am only on the first dosage level, with at least two increases planned, so maybe my brain is just struggling to adjust.
I’m hoping my passion for blogging will return eventually, but for now, I’m trying to hang in there. If I’m not as active as usual, all of this stuff is probably why.
I’m struggling right now mentally and emotionally. Here are some of the reasons:
- I found out yesterday that my psychiatrist is retiring at the end of the month, so I have to start seeing someone new, beginning with my next appointment in June. I think one of the worst things is that I won’t get a chance to say goodbye and I really liked my current psychiatrist. He was weird, but in a good way. I feel anxiety and fatigue at the thought of having to start over with someone new and share all my issues from the beginning.
- My husband is in a bad funk because of the quarantine. He desperately misses work and since school has been cancelled for the rest of the year, he won’t be able to get back to work until at least the next school year starts, if then. His constant low mood is making it more difficult for me to keep my head above water mentally-speaking.
- I’m feeling lonely and disconnected, perhaps due to the quarantine? Although it is certainly a feeling I was familiar with far before all this madness began. Maybe the social distancing just heightens what was already there.
- I have no desire to do anything. I don’t want to write this blog, but I am pushing through. I don’t want to do my normal housework, online work…any of it.
To be honest, I’m feeling pretty damn shitty today. Bad mood all over. I also can’t seem to do anything right today. I’ve knocked half the shit I tried to pick up or handle on the floor today.
Feeling unloved, unlovable, and like everything is ultimately pointless and I don’t even like my own company when I am in this kind of mood 😦
Man, I feel lousy. I think the only way I’d feel much worse is if there were two of me.
Sometimes I really hate being bipolar or whatever the fuck is wrong with me.
This is just a short note to let all my blog readers know that I need to take a break for a week or so. I’m feeling a bit burned out and things are stressful in my personal life right now (I had to take my husband to the ER yesterday because his back gave out entirely, it sucked to have to do so with the fear of the pandemic going on!)
So, if you notice I’m not posting, don’t worry, I’ll be back 🙂 If you believe in prayer or good vibes or anything like that, feel free to send them my way. I need all the help I can get right now lol.
Been feeling stressed. I don’t know if it is because I am autistic or just part of my personality, but even the smallest changes to my routine tend to throw me off and cause a lot of anxiety…and the holidays seem to be filled with those kinds of routine manglers.
For instance, tonight I have a friend’s Yule party to go to and tomorrow I am supposed to meet my mom for an early Christmas dinner/present exchange. Part of me is looking forward to these events and even wants to go, but part of me is stressed out and just wants to go back to bed and hide under the covers until the weekend is over.
All the anxiety takes a physical toll too. It turns my tummy into a wreck and brings on headaches that can easily slip into migraines if I’m not careful. The anxiety last night about the events this weekend was so bad that it did give me a migraine, so I had to take my migraine prescription. Hoping that won’t happen again.
I often tend to think depression is worse than anxiety because its symptoms are more obvious and immediate, but I think I underestimate the compounding ability of high anxiety.
I pour myself out,
a puddle of libation on the floor…
If any of my fancies
ever pleased you,
I beg of you to accept
the mental influences at work.
My affection may be disputable,
but it was never plagiarized.
Of my loyalty,
none could fairly doubt,
as my poverty
is a witness
to my honesty.
Been really fighting off a depression slump again, and I’m losing. Today I slept in until after noon – that is often one of the first signs that the depression is getting real. The longer and later I sleep in often correlates directly to a diminishing mood.
You may ask if there is something triggering this slump. The holidays often seem to be related to the issue. Last night I had a dream about revisiting the house my dad died in when I was 12, I’m sure that might have something to do with it – approaching the holidays and thinking of all the family losses again.
My cat, Spyder, really has me down too. He has been sick for over a month now. We’ve spent a ridiculous amount of money on 3 vet visits, 3 rounds of antibiotics, special diet foods, and medical tests – all to be no closer to a real answer about what is wrong and with him not getting any better, at least not for long. He’ll get a little better on the antibiotics, but once they stop, he quickly gets sick again. Yesterday and today he hasn’t even been eating and just sleeps all day.
Feeling pretty low and hopeless at the moment.
I fear I may be
the unfortunate reincarnation
of Sylvia Plath.
Born fifty years to the day
from her initial entrance,
I draw the parallels
between our lives –
lines that connect
far more than astrology.
Both of us poets,
living through our literary confessions.
Desperate to be taken seriously –
a gift freely granted
to the masculine,
but almost impossible to achieve
with a soft voice and gentle hands.
Both with daddy complexes
due to the abandonment
of an early death,
we seek that missing link
in other men
(some more worthwhile
Our final connection results
in a morbidly strengthened bond –
a certain disregard
for our own lives.
We dream of being free
from this earthly game,
but lack the forbearance
for a lengthy battle.
Instead, we choose to dream of release –
and in our darker moments,
even plan it.