Depression: Complete and Utter Apathy

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Today I woke up feeling like utter dog-shit. Depressed to the point of feeling nothing and not caring about anything. I honestly don’t even care about this blog post lol, but I’m writing it anyway. I often think of this mood as the “don’t give a fuck” mood. The house is dirty? Don’t give a fuck. The cats are whining and tearing the bathroom apart? Don’t give a fuck. I’m hungry and my stomach is growling? Don’t give a fuck. I forgot to take my medicine? Don’t give a fuck. There are aliens invading earth? Don’t give a fuck.

In a sense, it is almost an enjoyable, freeing feeling. As someone who is usually extremely anxious and overthinks everything, feeling like I honestly don’t give a shit about anything is kind of relaxing and oddly calming. Of course, the downside is that if I let it, this feeling will paralyze me and I won’t do anything I need to do or live up to the responsibilities I have (even as few as they are).

Hopefully people won’t be offended by the harsh language of this post, but if they are, you can probably guess what my reaction would be today.

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I’m Super Grumpy and Annoyed Today

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I am in a mood today. Seriously grumpy and feeling like crap both mentally and physically. I was supposed to go to a support group meeting today, but the absolute last thing I want to do when I feel like this is socialize or go anywhere. Instead, I just want to cocoon on the recliner or in bed, watching tv or YouTube and letting my grumpy butt get over this particular mood swing.

I could feel this irritability building and creeping up on me the last few days. Even when my husband and I took a walk in the park and I posted those pictures of snakes, turtles and frogs in my last blog post, I was starting to feel more and more off kilter. Every time a couple or family crept up behind us on the trail and made noise, I just wanted to throttle them, which isn’t like me. I normally love kids and adore having them around, but that day I just wanted to ship them all off to Siberia. I felt somehow personally offended that other people were simply sharing my space…and even though I knew how irrational that was, I still felt that way.

Last night I noticed that I was falling into one of those moods where I wanted to spit and hiss like a cat at anyone who dared touch me or even looked at me wrong. I’m still feeling that way today, so it is probably a good thing that I’m home alone right now lol. Hopefully this feeling will pass soon and I will get back to my more humane self.

How I Feel

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I don’t feel like writing today. I don’t feel like moving today. I feel like becoming a permanent bump on the couch and eating no bake cookies all day while listening to sad 90’s music. That’s ALL I feel like doing today.