When you feel nothing
why does it always end up
Here are a couple recent ACEO artist trading cards I made when I was struggling through a nasty depressive episode. I find creating art like this is therapeutic, even if I don’t feel like doing it at first.
Check out my art currently for sale on my Ebay store!
I’m going through a depression slump right now. I can tell because I am sleeping half the day away and not wanting to get out of bed even when I do finally wake up. I don’t feel like writing, creating art, talking to anyone, or simply functioning. I want to stay in bed and either sleep my life away or curl up under all my heavy blankets and leave reality behind.
I have some important appointments coming up soon (my Ehlers Danlos testing and my SSDI hearing top the list), but right now I don’t even care about those things. I don’t feel like doing them and the thought of dealing with them is overwhelming. I hope this slump passes soon.
I’ve been severely depressed for a week or two now and yesterday it kind of hit a boiling point. I decided to try to get out of the house and drive to a local park to do some journaling, but all that ended up doing was causing a breakdown. I cried on the drive over, I cried while at the park, I cried on the drive home, and when I got back home I collapsed into bed and sobbed for at least an hour straight. By the time it was over, my pillow was soaked clear through and I had a migraine coming on.
I did journal while I was at the park, but it sort of ended up turning into a mock suicide letter – I was that depressed. I didn’t have the intention to go through with any form of suicidal action, but I sure felt the desire to do so. I felt so low that I had almost convinced myself that even my husband would be better off without me and would probably be relieved to be rid of me. Depression is a masterful liar and can be very persuasive.
Today I’m not feeling a lot better. More numb than anything I suppose. My body feels extremely heavy, like I have put on several hundred pounds, although I know the real weight is internal, not external. I might try to force myself out of the house again, just to see if today might go better than yesterday, but right now, I can’t even drum up the energy to take a bath. The most depressing thing is that THIS is my life. THIS is what living with Bipolar type 2 is like. I’m stuck on a wheel that I can’t get off. I’m so sick of this cycle.