Lately I’ve really been struggling to blog. I don’t feel enthusiastic or motivated about it. I’m not sure if I’m feeling burnout or what is going on. Have you ever gone through this as a blogger? If so, what did you do? Did you force yourself to keep to your blogging schedule anyway and just trudge through it? Did you take a little vacation? Find some outside way to motivate yourself?
I don’t think it is simply coincidence that this feeling has come at a time that I have been fighting off a deep depression, but I’m not sure if that is all of it. To be fair, it has been hard to motivate myself to do much of anything lately, but writing seems especially tedious right now, and I feel like I have nothing of value to say anyway 😦
Ugh! I’m feeling annoyed right now. You ever feel like people purposefully do (or don’t do) certain things just to annoy you? I know that is probably a skewed viewpoint, influenced by my own sense of self-importance lol, but I just don’t understand why when someone says they will or won’t do something….they can’t just stick by their word.
Sorry for the rant. I couldn’t think of anything else to write about today because I’m so irritated. Maybe you could share something funny or interesting in the comments to distract me. I hope you all are having a better day so far than I am!
Note to self – if the coloring of the meat on your sandwich looks off to you, don’t eat it, even if it smells/tastes ok!
Man, I’ve had a miserable last 20 hours or so. I’m not entirely sure, but think I might have gotten food poisoning, or if nothing else, some slightly spoiled meat really upset my stomach. Guess that will teach me to get takeout from a sandwich shop and then run a bunch of errands in hot weather before getting home to refrigerate the leftovers.
I think today is going to be a lazy day of recuperating. The saddest part? The sandwich didn’t even taste that good 😦
I’ve had a really rough few days. Because of acting out behaviors online, my husband and I had set some boundaries for online use. He broke a couple of these boundaries a few days ago. Not a huge violation, but still not honoring the safeguards we put in place is a big deal and I have to treat it as such. So for now, he has moved to the spare bedroom. I’m very sad and I miss him. I feel like I’m suffering as much for his actions as he is.
I am proud of myself though for honoring myself enough to enforce the boundaries we had agreed upon. In the past, I never would have done so. He even said that he felt there would never actually be real consequences and he even admitted that he knew he needed them. He is attending a 12 step program and will probably be switching counselors to a specialist who deals with these kinds of issues. I am glad he is taking the initiative to help himself and try to heal our relationship as well.
I only wish it didn’t make me feel so sad and lonely too.
Over the weekend my husband and I went over to Indiana for my uncle’s viewing and funeral. Although the occasion was obviously sad, it was really nice to see some of the relative I rarely see, especially my cousins. One of my cousins even told me that he had been reading my writing and loved it. He encouraged me to “keep doing what you’re doing”, and that meant a lot ♥ I didn’t even know any of them read my work!
I got a few momentos to remember my uncle by as well, which was nice. Since we both love Egyptian art and mythology, I got several of his Egyptian figurines, and a quilt that was made by my great-grandma. Having that connection to your roots during sad times like this can be comforting and make you feel a part of something bigger than just you.
I was tempted to just post a poem or something today, but I know some of you are worried about me after my last post and I could use your support right now, so I’m going to share what I’m comfortable sharing about what is going on.
Those of you who have followed me for a long time have figured out some of it I’m sure. I’ve mentioned enough times how my husband is my whole world and my main support system. So it will come as no surprise that we are having trouble right now. We are not separated or planning to divorce or anything like that, but my husband made some very foolish decisions lately that hurt me deeply, destroyed my ability to trust him fully, and have set us on a long road to relationship recovery.
He didn’t fully cheat (thank God), but his inability to deal with his feelings of depression/isolation, feeling drained at work, and overwhelmed at times by being a caretaker to someone with severe chronic illness (me), caused a perfect storm, and instead of handling it the right way by communicating with me or someone who could really help, he started acting out stupidly, doing things behind my back, and lying to me.
It isn’t even so much what he did that bothers me, but the lying and sneaking around. That has to change and end. He shows an immense amount of remorse, and I can tell it is genuine. We do plan to get help by doing couples counseling. Both of us can sometimes struggle with communication when it comes to anything that might cause confrontation or that we think might upset the other and I know we need to work on that to solve this.
At this point I’m cautiously optimistic. Trust is such a hard thing for me anyway because of my abusive past, and I fear I may never be able to get that back. I think that is what I’m most scared of. And if we can’t work through that, I don’t know what to do.
It’s been a minute since I just did a life update, so let’s take a minute to do so! I’ll break it up into categories for ease:
Physical health – Thank God, the Topamax increase seems to have helped the migraines quite a bit. They aren’t gone entirely, but have been much better lately. Still having some digestive issues, so I’m seeing the GI doctor soon. We suspect Gastroparesis or some other motility disorder might be at play. I’ve already been following a gastroparesis diet and it has been helping my symptoms, but we won’t know till I get a test obviously. That condition is really common with Ehlers Danlos though.
Mental health – Uh, all over the place. Anxiety like crazy. Kinda hyper. Hard to concentrate and focus…that one has been a real pain lately. Even getting stuff like this done isn’t easy. My brain wants to go in fifty million directions, none of them what they are supposed to be doing. Depression too, but kind of medium level. Like just the blahs. Apathetic. Need constant positive stimuli to not start feeling blah again, but that isn’t reality, is it?
My writing – Finally, some good news!!! First off, I was contacted by a music professor at Central Washington University in Washington state who wants to use one of my poems to set to music for a project she and her colleagues and a few students are working on. They will compose music for the poem (for instrument and voice) and then put together a concert music video for it (because covid and all I assume) and it will be released in April. Of course, I will be credited for my part in the project, and will share the video when I can.
Also, I just got an email today that the educational resources website Twinkl has chosen my blog to be one of their Top Autism Blogs of 2020! They get pretty high traffic on their site, so it is quite an honor and I’m psyched about it!
Well, I did get the test done yesterday at a drive-thru testing center. I was so glad it was drive-thru, because the last thing I wanted to do was be around a bunch of other potentially covid-infected people when I wasn’t sure if I have it yet or not. My doctor decided to go ahead and test my husband too. (By the way, the test wasn’t that bad, I’ve had MUCH worse medical tests!)
We won’t know the results for about a week probably. I’m not sure what to do in the meantime? Do we go ahead and quarantine ourselves in the house since we don’t know? If we do that and we are infected, we will end up being quarantined for about 3 weeks at least.
I don’t know how that will work when someone has to go get milk, prescriptions, and other essentials and it is just the two of us living here. I guess we just minimize going out as much as possible? We definitely won’t be visiting anyone, going out to eat, or shopping for unnecessary items.
Any of you had to self-quarantine at home? Any tips?
Ok, I had a weird experience this morning. I woke up to a loud, male voice urgently calling out my childhood nickname (Mandy). At first, I thought it was my husband, so I got up to see if he was ok, but quickly saw he wasn’t here and his car was gone. I texted him to make sure he was ok because I felt kind of weirded out, then went back to bed.
Right before I fell back to sleep, I had an image flash before me (with my eyes closed) of some children’s alphabet blocks spelling out the word “Dad”. I found that weird too, but went back to sleep.
When my husband got home, he had to have me unlock the door, because somehow the lock that can only be unlocked from inside was locked. I hadn’t touched the door all morning, and my husband couldn’t have possibly locked it from the outside.
When I sat down to breakfast, I decided to use the GhostRadar app (similar to the spirit box they use on ghosthunting shows) on my phone to ask if my dad (who passed away when I was 12) had been here. The first three words I got were “house”, “visit”, and “parent”. I was a bit blown away by that.