Lately I have really been struggling with motivation to blog. Due to a depressive slump, I’ve been having trouble with the desire to do much of anything, but blogging especially has fallen by the wayside.
It makes me feel bad because I truly do appreciate this community and love the interaction I get with all of you, but when the whole world feels dark, it is hard to even try to reach for some light.
I’m not sure if my current state is just a continuation of the depression I was already feeling, or if it is worsened by gradually switching mood stabilizers (Seroquel to Lamictal), but I am hoping the situation improves soon. I have only been on the Lamictal since Monday and am only on the first dosage level, with at least two increases planned, so maybe my brain is just struggling to adjust.
I’m hoping my passion for blogging will return eventually, but for now, I’m trying to hang in there. If I’m not as active as usual, all of this stuff is probably why.
We saw a couple more snakes while out walking yesterday. These critters seem to always be drawn to us! Do you like snakes? The babies or small ones are my favorites.
I didn’t write for a few days because my husband and I went on a mini vacation to the Hocking Hills area of Ohio. It is beautiful country with tons of state parks, nature preserves, hiking trails, caves, etc. We also had some fun looking up haunted places in the area (I’m always hoping to see a ghost, but didn’t have any luck this time).
We had a great time, although there was still a lot of stuff closed in the area due to Covid. We had to eat in our car several times due to restaurant dining areas being closed. And we got kicked out of one state park that was closed (we didn’t know that of course), but the ranger was nice and just told us to get out instead of ticketing us or anything bad.
Here are a few of my fave pics from the trip:
We found this little guy in the middle of a country back road. We chased him off the road. I hope his mama came to get him soon after!
This large rat snake crossed our path on a nature trail. He wasn’t friendly lol, but we were still thrilled to see him.
This is the coolest pic from the ghost hunts. That rainbow orb is super weird. Especially since their hadn’t been any rain whatsoever that day. It didn’t show up on any other pictures. This was an old asylum turned into a museum. Sadly they were closed, so we couldn’t go inside 😦
This stain image in one of the limestone cliffs reminded me so much of Anubis. It just needed to be black lol.
Me posing at Ash Cave (the state park we got thrown out of later lol). This cave was a huge amphitheater-style structure that was so cool. In the past it was used for ancient Native American rituals and was even used as a Christian church many years ago.
Warning: mature explicit content ahead (including rape)!
I think I had the most messed up dream of my life last night!
In the dream, I was a little girl and my mom (who wasn’t the same mom I have in real life) had just gotten together with this creepy guy. The guy told me he had some weed, but if I told my mom, he would kill me. Of course, I had to then go tell my mom. When the guy got home and found out I had told on him, he decided to kill my mother in front of me instead of killing me.
How did he kill her? By stapling her to death. Yes, with a stapler. At one point, he used the stapler to beat a small hole in the side of her head, then decided to rape her in front of me, but instead of normal rape, he raped her by sticking his dick in the hole in the side of her head, which pushed her brains and other stuff in her head out the other side.
What the fuck is wrong with my brain?!! How did it come up with this shit???
I didn’t really have a good idea for a blog post today, so here are a few random little bits of prose from my journal that I like and thought I’d share:
I want to cause chaos. I want the entire world to feel the insecurities and fragility that creates the glass enclosure I dare not shake or shatter.
I lean towards darkness, but not cruelty or evil. The comforting dark. The mysterious dark. The exciting dark. The natural dark. The darkness inside is strong, but it need not be frightening.
I believe in justice, in fairness, in self protection, and in reflecting negativity back to its source, but I do not believe in malevolence.
I should have been a whore when I was younger. I was a good girl – I ran from impropriety. I feared intimacy. I swam in self-doubt and self-consciousness. I was afraid to be sexual. I was afraid to be sensual. I was afraid to be attractive.
Here in Ohio, non-essential retail stores reopen today! I have been in a depressed funk this past week, so I plan to go out and try to cheer myself up. I know I want to go to the bookstore (bookstores, how I have missed you!) and probably Goodwill. Don’t worry, I will be cautious and try to maintain my distance from others, but I need to feel a bit of normalcy return to my life!
Honestly, I think I likely already had coronavirus a couple months ago anyhow, although I would need to be tested for the antibodies to know for sure. Of course, I have heard reports that you might be able to get it more than once, so still doesn’t hurt to be careful.
Hair salons reopen at the end of the week I think, and it will feel good to get my hair cut again. Funny how you miss little things like that when you can’t do them for a while.
What is going on where you live? Are you still under lockdown? Are things slowly opening back up? Do you plan to go back to normal activity if they do reopen?
Dolls ponies kickball screaming bruise
Boys angst shame body confusion
Marriage work pretending big loss
Health Pain Drugs Homebody Silence
forties? fifties? sixties?
yet to come
Lately, I’ve really gotten into making my own zines – handmade little booklets of my art and writing on subjects I find fun or interesting. I am selling these on Ebay, but there are currently limited print runs of 5 copies each (I’m not sure if I’ll do future reprints or not). So if you see one you want, you might want to get it soon 🙂
Here are samples of the ones I’ve made so far (covers and first page of each zine is shown):
So which is your favorite? Let me know in the comments!
To be honest, I’m feeling pretty damn shitty today. Bad mood all over. I also can’t seem to do anything right today. I’ve knocked half the shit I tried to pick up or handle on the floor today.
Feeling unloved, unlovable, and like everything is ultimately pointless and I don’t even like my own company when I am in this kind of mood 😦
Man, I feel lousy. I think the only way I’d feel much worse is if there were two of me.
Sometimes I really hate being bipolar or whatever the fuck is wrong with me.