The grief from losing my kitty is starting to ease a little bit. Still a big loss, but I’m trying to focus on the future and how to bring more good things into my life right now because it feels like I could really use some good things.
Tonight I’m attending a poetry class at the library. The idea of the class is to use everyday castoff materials (like old ads, receipts, junk mail, etc.) as inspiration to create poetry. Thought it sounded fun and I could use the social connections right now.
I’m seriously thinking about auditioning for a part in a local theatre production soon. It makes me nervous as I haven’t done anything like that since school, but I feel I need to grow and add a little excitement to my life. I don’t even want a big role or anything, I just want to be a part of something fun and creative.
Just a thought, but I noticed something recently I wanted to share. It seems to me that when people share their darker thoughts and feelings straight out in essay form, prose, or spoken word, they are often sort of subtly shamed and told to cheer up in one way or another, which I find interesting, because when those same dark thoughts/feelings are shared in artistic forms like poetry/art, I’ve never seen people react in the same way by telling them to simply focus on the positive or cheer up. It makes me think that our darker thoughts and feelings are only really acceptable to many when slightly masked in some sort of art form. Why is that?
I am feeling lazy today, but I wanted to take a moment to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas Eve and Christmas Day tomorrow if you celebrate those holidays. I plan to have a quiet holiday here at home with my husband: enjoying our presents, going out for Christmas dinner (probably Chinese since nowhere else is open lol), going to see some Christmas lights, and maybe seeing the new Disney Frozen movie.
We already celebrated with family and friends over the weekend, so now we feel like it is time for just us. In some ways that is nicer than any big party. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday whatever it is you choose to do!
My baby kitty Spyder is dying. I’m pretty sure of it now. We’ve ruled out pretty much everything but cancer or autoimmune disease, with cancer looking most likely. He hasn’t eaten for 3 days now and is getting weaker and weaker. We’ve tried everything we know. Spent well over $1,000 to try to get him well in the past month.
He is around 14 years old, so at least he has lived a good length of life for a cat, but my heart is breaking. About 3 days ago it is almost as if he suddenly decided it was time to prepare to die. Since then, he has refused to eat, wants to hide away and sleep, and gets weaker every day. He does not seem to be in pain, except when he has to go to the bathroom and try to get stool out. Luckily, that isn’t happening often as he has very little to expel.
Our only other options at this point would be a feeding tube, and if he does indeed have cancer, I don’t want to just prolong his suffering and death. I know we couldn’t afford all the treatment that would require, nor would I want to put him through all that. Spyder is a quiet, shy cat and I know he would rather go at home quietly. He is one of the sweetest cats I have ever known. Knowing him has been an honor.
Spyder got his name from a dream of mine. Right before he showed up in our lives, I had a dream that I had a baby of my own and named it Spyder for some reason. So, when we got this kitty soon after, I figured it was fate and gave him the name from my dream. He indeed became my baby. The kitty that I was closest to. The one who pulled my heartstrings hardest for some reason. I am hurting.
This week has been stressful. First off, I have a sick kitty that has recently cost us over $700 in vet bills (for severe diarrhea) and even after spending all that money and giving him antibiotics and treating him for parasites just in case, he isn’t any better. The clean up hasn’t been any fun at all either.
I’m not sure if he is not any better because something else is wrong with him or because we had a hell of a time getting him to eat the food with his medicine in it. I don’t know how much of the medicine he even got down. He has a follow up with the vet this Friday, so we’ll see what they say. Maybe they’ll give us another way to give him the meds or run more tests to see what is going on. Either way, more $.
I have also been struggling with exhaustion, full body achiness, and general malaise since our trip on my birthday near the end of October. My CFS/ME is flaring big time. Chronic fatigue syndrome sucks and the name is misleading, because it is so much more than fatigue. It is more like the worst flu that keeps on going and going and coming back again and again.
Wish I had better things to report, but that’s the truth, and I always try to be honest with you all.
My husband and I had a great time on my birthday trip, although I am exhausted and extremely sore now! It will probably take at least a week for me to recuperate physically, but it was worth it! Here are a few of my favorite photos from the trip:
Today my husband and I finally have the time to go see the Joker movie. I am really excited. I hear it is quite dark and nihilistic, similar in some ways to the Heath Ledger version of the Joker from The Dark Knight movie. I know it probably doesn’t help my depression, but I love dark, bleak movies like that.
Maybe I relate to them because of my depression. I have too much empathy for people to become a mass murderer or abuser, but I must admit that there are many times that I feel like life is pointless, everything we do is pointless, happiness is pointless, pain is pointless, etc. I feel like that most often when in a severe depressed state. I think that is why I look up to artists like Kurt Cobain, Vincent Van Gogh, Edvard Munch, Sylvia Plath, etc., because they expressed similar feelings at times.
This week I also have been catching up on the tv show American Horror Story and watched the 8th Season called Apocalypse. I loved this season! They brought back the witches from the Coven season which was one of my favorites, and I always love an apocalypse-themed story, but my favorite part of the season was Michael Langdon. Partly because I found him kind of hot, and partly because I found him often hilarious as the Antichrist. The poor guy showed us how uniquely stressful and confusing it could be to try to figure out how to bring about the end of days! Why doesn’t this “son of satan” stuff come with a guidebook???
This week has been stressful. I’m not sure if I’m just overreacting to things because I’m autistic and hypersensitive to everything (especially changes in routine), or if this would even throw many normal people off their game, but since Monday:
I had to wait hours at the BMV to renew my driver’s license and then sweat it out when they weren’t sure if my two forms of address verification were acceptable. (Thank God they ended up accepting them in the end so I didn’t have to do the whole process over again.)
Our electricity went out Monday night (along with 3,000 other homes and businesses in the area, eventually they did get it restored.)
My husband’s birthday was on Monday and I ended up going to 4 different stores looking for a birthday balloon for him because everyone was out 😦
My psychiatrist appointment got moved up today from 3pm to 2pm which meant I had to alert my husband who drives me. He then had to check to see if the school could get a substitute teacher in earlier to relieve him so he could take me.
I almost got kicked off Instagram again (I got warnings again but luckily they haven’t kicked me off yet. I think I may have discovered the issue. I have used an app to track unfollowers and I think that might be what they were picking up on as a “3rd party”. So, I’m just not going to use that app right now.)
I’ve been kicked off Instagram now for about 3 days. Tomorrow is listed as the last day of my “punishment”, so I assume I will get to use my account again either tomorrow or the next day. So what did I do to get kicked off? I have no freaking clue.
The message they sent said something about giving a 3rd party access to my account to increase likes and follows, but I know damn well I didn’t give ANYONE access to the account but me. I couldn’t even afford to hire one of those companies that buys you followers if I wanted to lol.
It really is ironic, because I always thought that if I did get kicked off social media, it would probably be Facebook or Twitter, and it would be for criticizing the government. I have seen people get punished on social media for supposedly spreading “fake news” when what they were really doing was sharing proof of corruption in the government or expressing anti-war views. I could easily see that happening to me, but this?
I will say that this short suspension has made me realize how much social media has become a part of my daily routine. It has really thrown me off and caused anxiety because I can’t respond to comments, messages, or otherwise interact on IG.